Friday, September 26, 2008

from the shadow cast !!

I started just like any other child on this planet begins or maybe not exactly. I have always been different since the day have started seeing myself, understanding things , I cud but figure out one thing I was not the same. I dont remember much of my childhood and so have had no childhood dreams like any other kid. I dont remember if I ever wished to be an astronaut but ya I do remember faces, incidents. People who have left a mark on this little heart. I am a good grown up kid of 23 yrs. now. It has been eventful. N sadly for me I cant really recall many of those events.
This is not going to be an autobiography at all. All these yeras I have never had many friends. N so I canot really give this term a definition. I still see how at a very young age I used to have this girl in my class n how she had a lot of friends . She wasnt just good with teachers but brilliant at her studies. This might sound like repetitive but this is true. All I cud ever think of was she being there. She was the only person I can still make an image of after all these years. Never did I even notice anyone around or more rightly put never did anyone ever notice this soul around. I am a scared person. N this could hva been my worst nightmares coming true when one day she told me she's gona leave this palce. I dont remember exactly but I know I cried a lot dat day. She was the person I got used to hiding behind in my class, in school, among other children. I never wanted to go back to that place called school. I have no other memories. coz I never came out of that shadow to see anything.
I am just used to hiding behind. Sumtimes when I was cornered so beautifully at family gatherings, I dont even remember, but I know. It helps to have a goldfish memory though. I took a long time before I knew who I was or even sumone by me even existed. My Dad has been the person I remember hiding behind all these years. They say she's a Daddy's girl. when even amidst a lot of people I'd slide off to the corner where my Dad is standing. I know he used to take pride in the fact. How at the parent teacher meetings I used to stand behind him comfortably. Even my teacher had to bend a little to have a look at me. My friend told me he got scared of my Dad , wondering if he's the strict one for me to keep scared. I told him later how My dad is the sweetest of 'em all, how he's stayed awake late in the nights wen I was studying for my social studies paper the other morning. He's been the person I look back to when I have to make a decision. Even if its just which foot to move forward. He's the one I run over to and hide behind when I felt fear. He's been the only guy (if u can call Dads as guys ) in my life all those years. I dont recognize with talking to guys as sumthing I'd associate myself with. With time things started changing. I had friends who were guys maybe one or two or more. But was never really used to. I was used to only one thing staying away, hiding behind, running away, being scared.
When I left my home for the first time to stay away alone. I know how it felt.It was different. Things started changing. Dad was still the one who got to decide. but he not being there all the time made it tough for me to do things by myself. Sumthing am not used to. I never got to do. I never thought I'd do. That's when I realized something in me thinks. It does. I decides. It can take responsibility but is afraid to. coz m not used to being responsible. I think I used to look for a place to hide behind for a long while till I got used to roaming alone. I was becomming bold or was I really that bold always. I could still not talk to many people at once. I was still uncomfortable in gatherings. I would still shy away n go missing if people called out my name. I felt at ease when ppl used to miss out on me even when we were just two of us standing there. These were a few moments that made me feel better and me. I dont make many friends coz m not used to. What I hav always been acquainted with is being pushed a little away, aside, out of the picture. Am happy being the crowd. And maybe that's the reason I become what ppl think I am. I have never stood alone to see who am I. coz am afraid I might just see. And then what, I'll start thinking by myself, I might have my own dreams when all this time have lived in a shadow.
I believe in what I am made to believe and its been a comfort that way.
But time changes at 23 today it seems different then what it has been. I started by holding his fingers. I know today I can walk all by myself. I still make ita point to hold his hand even when my hand is slipping out. its growing. I know for sure however may I grow up I'll be his little girl. but where all this is creating a rift is He still thinks am the one hiding behind. Sumtimes he cannot see me running away to even catch a butterfly, I know I'll come back to him, n hide behind. But he gets scared. I can see it. Sumtimes when I decide on the color of my dress He gets a little disappointed, coz I dint turn to ask him, I cud see the expression which says he thinks have grown up . But I want to tell him its he who still decides I just point at it. He is the one I'll always be hiding behind. I know how at times when am confused over sumthing unable to decide I keep mum for days, maybe I ahve grown up, or maybe I have started thinking. or maybe its him who has taught me how to think. I can see it on his face , that am hiding things from him. Am I? maybe but am still there under his shadow from where it all seems rosy and beautiful. I now try to make decisions. I can understand now how tough it is.

Its behind his back I have always stood wondering nothing at all,
N how all this while have never decided which dress to put on,
one day I'll be required to decide this way or that,
and at the crossroads when Dad will look at me and say its ur decision ur power,
I'll be dumbstruck unaware of the thought, how to decide wen have never been asked,
Its him I look out for whne even falling off the rod.
I might have decided sumthing today
but its all been behind ur back, in the shadow cast.
m nothing outside it, have never been anything beyond.
m younger than your younger one, still roaming in the house in my shorts.
when your eyes tell me have grown a lot to listen to you, or ask you what not to do.
Its the shadow am still in awe of, coz m the girl who has never seen life.
more than what u have shown or what u have taught of.
If I hold a hand today, u think m not meant for.
maybe I'd leave it, for the one you'd have in mind for me,
I may tell you DAD, its you who get to decide even today ,
I just point at it from afar..

Happy Daughter's Day..

Thursday, September 25, 2008

till my last !!

" I just wanna inform m .. getting married the day after... hope u r fine.. m gonna ... take care.. "
What do u mean.. not just like that... wait lemme just atleast.. come on.. u've gone nuts or wat... I hav gottta do sumthing bout it.. He cannot... how cud he ... m..
My fault.. I was the one.. all this while making him understand how we are two very very different persons.. not meant to b together.. not meant for each other.. how it's going to b impossible.. n he got it finally.. but.. why m I feeling.. I wanted this all along.. n dis is wat happened.. now wat.. distance .. distance.. everything at a distance..
day after.. dat leaves me 2 days.. m gona get to him.. he cant.. n why cant he? u asked him to..
now let him b happy.. plzz let him b by himself.. for his sake.. but .. wat bout me... wat bout u? u said nothing matters.. another guy another day.. ur words.. u repeat everytime.. everyday.. sumone tries to come close... ya.. but .. I .. need him... I know that.. as for now.. m not gonna wait.. m leaving for his place..
this is the train u've dreaded to take ever.. wat r u upto? this is not meant for u.. let him go.. I cant.. I just cant.. this is wat I've always said... but u have thought over it so many times.. its gonna b tough.. not even manageable... u've analyzed...to hell with it... who analyzes..
be practical.. for this once.. I dont want to... his touch still means a lot... his eyes.. they r menat to look just into mine.. plzz.. hurry up... m scared..
now wat?? wat after this.. I dont know nething.. where he puts up.. where is his home... ahhh.. great .. brilliant analyst.. think sumthing.. mayb this is it.. nowhere to go.. its the end for my journey. he's going to b sumone else's today.. u never really knew the path to him... u missed him.. I ..m .. how m I.. how cud I.. he was so near to me.. I was the one trying to act so strong.. how its gonna b the simplest thing in the world.. to let go off him.. how he meant nothing to me.
I successfully convinced him..
I think.. I'd b fine.. like how I say.. Is it time to go back.. we are not meant for each other...
wat m I?? pathetic.. this is more like.. the person neone wud hate.. come on.. is this called, to adapt.. or.. adjust.. or just move on.. more than that... comfortably sliding off... wat is it dat I want.. wud I ever know.. I never wanted him at the first place... then he became important.. I got practical.. decided it wasnt for good.. so we shud part our ways.. n wen he decided to move on.. I came all this long to get him.. wat m I upto.. just a chase outside or within.. I just love to run away.. or run after.. wat m I actually running from... shud I for once know...
I hav become a living adjustment.. why? coz m just a comfort lover.. I dont want to take chances.. or risks.. I just wanna keep it safe..
he tells me.. m on my way to make even a few good things worse for myself.. afraid that they might not go well... wat m I looking for... its not the distrust in neone.. I dont hav faith in myself... I dont even trust me..
n now I know I really do need him .. till my last breath... but then watever happens.. happens for the good.. he's gonna b happy.. n that's wat hav always claimed I wanted... I'm gonna miss u.. n miss myself always...

Monday, September 15, 2008

too short!!!

I have never thought bout a prince charming who'd come by n take me alongwith..
no, coz of many reasons.. one just being I kno m not even supposed to dream sumthing of the sort.. coz finally I cant go along..
n so came u..
I still havent said nething to you.. nething that u can rely upon or that'll let u expect sumthing of me. I havnt yet said nething to myself.. but I must tell u.. that hav thought bout it.. wen m awake.. m asleep.. or m laughing.. there's always one thing.. m wondering bout.. n constantly..
m not saying never before a guy came to my life.. did of course.. for whom I dreamt to be with.. but not one with whom I'd b so worried I wont b able to..
coz that's wat I cant.. I cant..
m one of those who cant smile n cherish the moments coz m aware of the end of it all.
end that might not have occurred to u as yet.. but I live with it... the moment I give my hand towards you.. the reality strikes.. n for all these years wen I was always strong enuf to save neone of this pain.. n brush them off.. away.. I m sorry I ended up doing this to u.. all I had to do was.. tell u "No"... n m gonna regret it...
m just not supposed to think nething.. u'd laugh it off.. or u'd get angry... u might just stop talking to me...but how may I tell u.. that am just sorry for myself...
there cud hav been none ever like me.. n I so wish *(if my wishes are even considered) there's none ever..
I wont b able to give u.. nething.. nething.. not even me...
coz I cant...
n today wen I'll meet you m gonna let u know.. directly.. watever it might take off me... have made enuf fool of u.. I know u deserve the best...


"Hey !!"
okk I saw you... maybe this is the last time.. m seeing you.. n u look happy.. u know wat... I'd never tell u this.. hav never told neone ... I also want to show u how happy I am.. but I wont.. I'll like always say stop acting like this... n I'll fight u away... n u'll feel m not bothered.. n I'll win.. how many times hav won this game before...m not even moving.. I'll let u come over to me..
just to make sure u understand wat m gonna say.. "you are not the one m looking for... n moreover I never made ne promises.. I never said m looking forward to a life with you.. we dont match up..." n if this wont convince u.. m sure to find better reasons.. n whether or not u r convinced I'll leave..leave u without even turning back..
I'd shout a few times too, just to make sure.. u see how irritated I am..
u'll b broken.. n hurt.. u'll even cry.. but then u'll start all over again...
n I'll never come again... never .. trust me... or better not.. never...

take ur time today.. plzz dont u run over.. plzz.. I hav to keep my tears afar ..
n for the last time may I tell you... sumthing hav never even thought bout just coz I know this wont lead newhere.. you were all that mattered.. I know what u've been all this while... even a disconnected call meant I care.. n ....


ohh hell!! something happened.. I .. can still see you.. running over to me...
but think m not gonna make it till then... I wanna tell u am the happiest person today.. I wouldnt hav lived with u.. n m not gonna live nemore.. n m not gonna tell u nething... I have the best gift today.. but there are many here .. blood all over.. what is this... this is the kid I was playing with..
he's crying... n bleeding.. plzz dont come to me.. pick him up.. he needs u... n there are ppl lying all over.. panic stricken.. u'll b wondering why I dont feel this pain.. n have a smile on my face...
maybe I got wat I deserved.. n all I want is u to hold this hand once.. m happy u r ok... this was the blast not awaited..
but this was the moment I was waiting for...
its my life... I wonder wen m I gonna b asked...who is it?
m lying dead here.. find me a guy u think is the best for me...
coz the best one hav already lost... looking for the perfect one..
matches arent made in heaven at all...
I was here to tell you.. we are not matched up at all..
n now m here to tell you.. you were the one if I cud I'd hold on..

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Is there anything for Me???

"hey psycho!! where are you?? am unable to contact you... hey how long has it been that you talked to her.. I think you should give her a call.. 9 9 8 6 7 . . ... ..." erupted my A Mac (my answering machine..) .

--------------------------------------------
Me: "think we should go out for dinner tonight..."
Her : "well okk I'll call him also.. his mood isnt dat good.. u know.. dinner wud be a good idea.. so wat time " she replied.
Me: " 8 wud b fine!! I'll be there to",
Her : " I'll inform him.. I'llll come with him only . see you there!!".

n like always this wud b a dinner to lighten sumone's mood... not that I hav problems . he's more a friend of mine than her. but why I just cudnt understand it could b just the two of us for once maybe.

Me: "hey how bout this one? "
Her: "its good...."
Me: "okk n this one.. I think the checks look good .."
Her: " .. how could he do this to her .. how could anyone do sumthing...like " she repeated..,
Me: " hey whats up .. u r ok!! is sumthing wrong " I shouted the third time.
Her: "ya.. actually no...u know I talked to Priya in the eve , my friend..I mentioned the other day.. "
Me: " ya .. so wat bout her... she's fine?" is all I needed to say before..
Her: " she was in tears.. poor girl.. this guy.. they were seeing each other since college days and he just broke up with her.. I never liked him ever .. but she was a fool .. to trust him blindly.. he just messaged her n it was over.. over just like dat. I mean wat now, what bout her.. she's crying.. n alone there I cant even be with her.. she's so... "

2 hrs.. n it would hav continued for more had she not got thirsty n needed a few drops of water .. I dropped the idea of shopping.. for then.. or maybe forever.. even the shopkeeper had tears in his eyes.. though I wonder the reason behind them.

Me: "where are you? " ,
Her: , ".... ya I think the blue one looks better.. ", came the answer.
Me: " how do u know m wearing my fav blue shirt today " ,almost surprised.
Her: " what?? wait a sec, try this one also.." ,
Me: what?? " hey what are u upto.. ",
Her: " i'll call u back. we are here in the mall... shopping for him.. he's leaving today in the eve...by e.",
Me: " but..." .

ya why not. has to b busy shopping. afterall he's leaving today... one less for relief.. she's too busy always.. his call.. her boyfriend.. his exam .. her paper.. his health.. his headache,, his girl.. her guy... heck... I just want a minute for me. n why do these ppl dont get to doing things by themselves. she's not his girlfriend... she's not... she's not..my....girlfriend .. then why do I..

Me: "what plans for the eve? " (let's see...)
Her: " what plans?? you hav got to study, its ur exam in a week.. come on.. u shud better.. "
(what does she think of herself ...)
Me: " u know wat u shud better keep ur mouth shut.. who do u think u are... I know what I shud do.. u think m no good.. I cannot clear that paper... right? that's wat u think madame' u think u r too intelligent for me. well.. stop it now.. stop pretending.. miss goody two shoes.. dont u get tired. u know wat u cannot be the saviour for all.. n solve everyone's problems.. they call you two faced at ur back.. dont u know dat... or u dont care.. or ur so called friends dint tell u this one bit of necessary for u info... ohhhooo poor girl. m just fed up... he has to go to hospital.. she has to go shopping... she needs me.. he needs company... we need to cheer him up... ohh hell... will u stop it for once... ever in 24 hrs of the day.. do you think bout me.. ??? "
Her: " I ... u know... am sorry.. I thought atleast you.. newaz m sorry I actually am.. all the best ",
Me: " yaaa okkk... watever "...

wat did I do..I just cannot be without talking to her.. n she's actually not that bad.. she isnt bad.. she's just concerned... she's always been bout me ... ohh wat did I do... this big mouth I should hav given one thought.. I really hurt her.. her eyes they had so many unasked questions... like .. ohh no... how m I gonna call her back... usually wenever we fight she calls back.. n all's fine.. u know its like she's never hurt... I even called her heartless few times.. but she's just.. she'll still be there for you.. n sumwhere I knew the answer to my ques. she was never needed to say it.. n maybe this is what she always was telling me.. that I can see it in her eyes... n if I cant.. she is never gonna say it.. but ... m human.. I need to hear it.. neone would.. she cares.. she shows not.. but she does wat noone would do.... she is hurt.. she speaks not.. but she keeps on smiling.. n watever,.. m not gonna call her... let her be... m really angry this time... but she's hurt...

Her: " hey , just called to say All the best!!.. I hav got to leave.. "
Me: " okk why are u even telling me.. as if I care.. go on.. go shopping.. who needs ur company now... "
(she thinks she's smart.. but m happy she called... was just afraid.. its been two days... n I cud never .. I was angry.. no actually more than that.. I was wrong.)
Her: " m leaving, for home.. have to.. actually ",
Me: (what now?? )" whatttt?? why??? now where did dis come up from... " ( this is not done...)
Her: " its important.. n then u know afterall its them I was here.. "
Me: (heck !! ) " ya!! why m I asking... of course mam...who knows better than me .. ur life is for them.. ur decisions for them.. ur time for all of them.. ur smile for him. ur tears for her. Is there anything.. anything at all for Me?? " ..
Her: " You.. "
Me: (this is just.. ) "of course how can I forget..millions of disconnected calls , thousands of those unsent SMSes, humdreds n hundreds of reasons.. go to hell!! do watever u have to.. plzzz..dont tell me.."
I hung up.
------------------------------------------
my A Mach was still beeping...

call 'her' after how many?... three years.. he's kidding .

hell why would I.. hav got better things to do.. m too tired .. this conference.. gotta sleep ...
what time is it... 2:00 in the morn... haaa... she can still bother me.. why did he even have to mention her .. like after all these years.. I am not gonna call her..
what was the number?? 9 9 8 6..what.. okk its ringing .. not answering?? no wonder.. must b busy with sumone's problem... its 2:00 am .. plzz b a little considerate dumbo.. n dont use her lingo.. okk I'll try one more time... 9 9 8... busy!!! why m I even bothered.. go to wherever..

Him: " hey.. where have you been.. outta reach all these days.. I tried so many times.. " ..
Me: "had this conference.. off to Liverpool.. i got ur message, but why did u mention.. " ...
Him: " look am already halfway.. its near to ur place, u wont take long... if u leave now.. it'll b just 15 minutes...meet me there.. "
Me: " hey who.." (... cremation ground.. ??? why was he talking like that.. he has never ever .. was he crying.. possibly not.. he never .. but hav to meet him... )

where is he now?? okk gotcha!! hope .. hope wat?? I dont even know wats...
Me: " hey.. its okk.. it'll be fine.. wh.. ", n he started
Him: " I wish , it could have been... she's been so strong.. she's always been.. u know how.. she used to.. I'm gonna miss her .. I really m gonna... I tried to contact u.. but.. guess she could not wait any longer "
(he was crying.. I could not believe my eyes.. )
Me: " m sorry.. I should have been here.. "
Him: " ya.. u shud.. this is for you "

?????? he put a neatly folded paper in my hand... he can say it.. he neednt " what is this ??? " he was talking to sumone.. sumone I know too.. hey I know a lot of ppl here or do I... n I unfolded it..
-----
Hey, I dont know where to start from..
I know u did well in ur exam.. I always knew u would .. :)
I just wanted to give u your answer..
I know I never say nething...
but if not now.. I wont ever get to..
the last time we talked u asked me, if there was anything...
maybe I never had the time as u wanted,
maybe I never had the right words, or never the right occassion..
all I had for u was "Me" , well nothing that could be counted..
n maybe I could never understand you.
It was good for you to move on. I was no good.
n m happy today as you are happy in your life.
n u know I was talking to him today.. he's got his girl finally he's happy..
he always talks bout u...
m really happy for him.. hav u met the girl.. u must have.. she's beautiful..
I started again.. like always.
by the time u read this I dont think i'd even be able to say sorry by myself.
take care, all the best.
n ya I missed you.
----------

hell, what is this.. ? what m I missing here ??

Me: " hey who gave you this.. ? "
Him: " you know.. I gave you her number, she's been hospitalized.. ten days.. she never let me talk to u bout her.. n yesterday she gave me this.. well.. u know I was there till late.. n she was all smiles wen I left. she was cheering me up.. I just wonder.. I .. n at 2:00 am in the night.. she!! ohhh her face still "
(aaah... m .. but .. u ... ohh u stupid girl... I was.. I knew ..always.. I just..)
" wait where are u going.. they have.."

.. where.. no.. I want to see her.. she cannot.. I know her.. she's a strong girl.....
I.. stop.. wait for me... she cant.. u cannot do this to me...

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

.. it isnt as much still..


my life kinna became monotonous.. that's wat I was complaining a couple of months back.. well it might have appeared so.. but not really.. if at all I thought it has come to a standstill, it was moving at an uncomparable pace.. everything, every single living or non living piece round me was moving. I just got sum time to take a look around, rest awhile n amybe live life.. sumthing we forget while just trying to add to the excitement, get that punch, make it less routine...
human nature.. we just pray day n night for that bit of rest, a laughter shared, a smile passed, a hand held, pair of footsteps besides. n its just that moment we always await, spend the time just waiting for sumthing, looking out for a different world, for things to take a turn, change the scene n its that momnet onwards we feel we are stuck.. nothing's moving.. its a lifeless Life..

it was just then when it took a straight angle turn.. I could still see the same faces. but this time. I was the one on the move.. they appeared to b standing aloof.. farther.. they were being left behind.. Life just toppled me out of its streams.. the slower ones as I thought them to be .. Its a different world all together from the sidewalk.. m scared to the core.. but m still walking.. I want to see.. afterall I was the one waiting for this dawn.. how boring the same dusk was getting for me. I ruined it all for my own sake.. it just got outta hands, a whirlpool.. was this what I called for..
m still trying to figure out the bits.. its dark.. its lighted. its the same place have been before..
a lot of new faces have become a part of this new pathway, a few m still searching.. are they lost sumwhere, a few trying to make their way, a few that have been there.. n among all of them do I still call my life monotonous.. yes I guess this is the complaint I have... n I'll always have as long as there's life.. even today m sure walking, running at a supersonic speed, but its all fixed at a point.. nothing beyond.. nothing behind, maybe sumone's trying to catch up with me.. who feels life's still... n

how I wish that moment stayed on.. this isnt the end of that inability to move... a no excitement phase.. It has just disfigured my life in ways unknown..
I have sumthing I cannot have, I have lost sumthing I was dying to have,
someone m afraid to look back to, someone I was afraid to lose,
someplace I was dreading to stay on in, someplace I was measuring milimetres to reach,
a hand I was always looking for, a hand that taught me how to walk, stand on....
a hug I left halfway.. a hug I was running to get hold of..

( today he asked me, "can u tell me from what 'moment', after the 'moment' u have dialled my number are you trying to keep the phone down... n trying hard..."
how long m I gonna take before I get this point straight..
another swirl , another wind, a topple to the mainstream or bay..
how many more moments m I gonna ask for,
n then wait to run away from the same.. maybe until I get them)

Friday, August 22, 2008

n again i left..

3 years.. she has definitely grown up. .

I had a fight with Mom n Dad. I almost always do.they think m the one quarrelome.. n ill-mannered. ya actually more than that, m just a little misunderstood I know everyone has the same complaint. but I was dreading this moment for the past two months. Its been 2 months m home now. yup sitting idle,surfing through the unbearable tv channels.
when I thought of mentioning this guy whom I knew wasnt just a friend. He was sumthing more, a little more. but things went so hurriedly for me to relate to. now when hav been away from him for quite sumtime I feel a void.
m a not to be trusted kinna soul. n m not ashamed to confess that myself. but I just felt an urge to go back n find a few answers by myself. n hav always thought that if ever I come across a guy, my Dad's gonna be teh first to say Yes.. n only then wud I even consider or else.. so before I even check out on him I want to b sure Dad knows. but yaaa. the volcano blew outta hand. he never expected this from me.. his eyes kept on telling me. n my Mom she even got to slapping me hard. well its just a mention. n the guy sits clueless in his place wondering how;s he ever gonna ask me this question. which he already has. n he knows m not gonna say yes..
Dad's not cooling down. Thought he'd atleast ask me how? Why? but its just how I had expected things to turn out. I just wanted their approval before I even start thinking bout a guy. now who the hell on Earth does that. I hav a patent in doing the most idiotic things.. rather define them. n now they wont let me go back to that place.. Bingo!! but have to go. its not just him.. but there are many ppl hav left behind. hav to catch up with.. I left home.
My train leaves in another 10 minutes . neither Mom nor Dad's here to drop me.. no justifications. have done them wrong. n have to bear the consequences.. like always the journey to that place has never been boring. its kinna all men compartment today. but how does that matter m gonna continue with my book reading n sleep off the night. the night.. would never wash of my dreams ever. it ruined everything i'd ever managed to build,I tried hard to ascape but thy were like seven of them.. I wanted to shout .. but I could not. I tried.. everything.. plzzz leave me... I have to tell him... I have to meet... Dadddddddd!!!!!
I opened my eyes in a hospital.. n why did I open them .. he was there.. they must have informed him.. got his no. from my phone.. with tears flowing.. I could still manage to see him... n there were his eyes... eyees that have been telling me how much he loves me.. he just wasnt.. looking at me.. this half dead body.. wasnt worth it anymore... I had longed for his touch all these two months... how everytime I have stayed away from him , have never let a being touch me .. never.. Noone else there eveer came to know I had come ... he got my tickets done for the next day. the only time he spoke to me.. n he said since he's to atten dto his office he wont b able to come see me off.. I nodded.... a nod I'd been saving for years , a nod that meant I am ready to take u as my better half, a nod that said u can hold me today, a nod that said thanks for being there, a nod that said it was you, a nod I took pride in.. a nod that landed there just in time to stop me from crying.. crying hard, stopped me from rushing over to him.. n hold him tight,, tell him am scared... tell him ... he's free of this burden. I left for my place.

I came back. Though Dad always wondered why m I so quite andnot mentioning that guy he was happy sumwhere thinking that the guy might have ditched me. some time passed. I was so engulfed into my own screams I dint realize until one day when my Mom slapped me hard again. That was when I came back to my senses, first time after that nite. just to wish why I survived it. she just could not control her tears.. she said she always knew I wasnt good enuf. she was broken to bits.. n I was more like a rock.. he always said I was heartless... I so wish I was.. the doc warned it was risky to get it aborted. I just could not get anything... I wanted to run away. I just dint knew what to do.. all I could see was those faces.. all I could manage to hear was my screams.. all I wanted was him to hold me tight .. hide me in his arms.. I saw tears again rolling down these eyes.. once again... I cannot even imagine my Dad looking at me.. I wouldnt be able to stand his helplessness. how he'll blame himself for everything.. I love him more than nething else. I left that place.
I came home late that evening. she was still crying. dad looked at me. all he could come up with was. give me his number. we'll get u married as early as possible.. he was worried. and more than that he was holding his tears back. well I just proved him right, I wasnt the daughter he deserved.. for all the up bringing he's put his heart into. I let him down... this look is gonna haunt me all thru my life from this day on. I went to my room.. got my things packed. there were no tears left inside me.. I came out. he said it now. "what do u want?? m getting u married to whoever u want?? what else do u want fro me?? am just... I always wanted the best for u.. you were the one I thought.. all these years when your mother took u as the one girl parents consider a burden.. whenever she cried for a son.. I knew u were more than a son... why did u have to?? why?? n now.. dint u hear. I said m ready to get u married to that guy " he fell on the sofa. " I am sorry Dad... " is all I could say. I left my home.

While every night I still see his smiling face winking at me from a distance n how shocked it made me.. I still see that look on Dad's face .. like he was betrayed .. n how disgusting it made me appear.. I still see Mom telling me am the one she's so afraid would end up doing sumthing that'll shake them up.. n how I lived up to it.

"Sneh where are you??" " Am up here .. hey Mom !! u know what all my friends tell me they wish they had a Mom like you.. " I wish , this one wish goes unheard.
It was a girl... a beautiful girl.. she's three now n she's really grown into one smart kid.. Sneh..I always wanted to tell him the name I had thought for my girl. but he never let me speak..
Its her dreams am living these days .. I left mine in the dark forever.

Monday, August 18, 2008

As if there's no TomoRrow ..

we sat under a bountiful of stars that nite..
he knew exactly what to say.. timing .. he's always been superb at it..
if there's neone who knows when to play the right tune.. he does..
from taking the right foot forward on the dance floor ..
to mingling with the right kind of people at a social gathering..
to being the most eligible boy friend material..

I have always been the better to keep it safe freak.. n if there'd be any regret in my life.. it'll b the same.. kept it safe all along..
haaaa n not only that m his girl friend.. well that's what he says.. he calls me the lucky one.. I mind??well no not really.. until m the only one.. he's keeping lucky on this part of Earth..I mean the crust.. Geography is my fav subject ..n his too.. but not on parallel lines.

tonite was no different in a way that we were together taking a stroll on the beach..n he knows my likes .. to take care of them well.. we had walked for an hour when he held me hand.. the way he does it.. it still gives me goosebumps. . after say about 5 months of our togetherness.. he still knows what it means to me when he diminishes the 2mm distance between us. or maybe he's too experienced to handle all kinna girls.. m just the ultimate test.. of his patience..

he has already warned that today is going to be different.. n though the thought had escaped my mind that moment itself. but now when he swam his fingers across mine in a rather never felt.. never done before manner.. I felt a chill.. I was preparing myself for nething that comes next.. sumthing I was expecting months back... n how I have been rehearsing the whole melodrama set btw us if he tries to...even the tears.. how they'll flow.. how he can never hurt me stare in my eyes n how.. he'll have this slight sense of guilt in his beautiful eyes.. (they are enchanting..they got to be.. that's where I fell..)
that's me actually I have the dialogues always ready.. like I foresee what's gonna happen. n the play is directed , well executed.. n applauded.. by me.. till date ..have been very very poor at foresighting.. haaa.. wonder what m I good at ?
newaz I wasnt getting anything in my mind this time.. n bingo.. I know he can hurt me now.. hurt me a lot.. timing right.. he's been perfect at.. if he's stepping ne further tahn his limits today.. all he'll see is a cry baby.. who'll b dying to run away... what has he done to me..
he started going down on that sand shining in the moonlight.. n he pulled me towards him.. m not .. m not .. what the hell... distance sweetheart.. he sat there n he gestured me to sit besides him.. well.. okk.. chill chill.. m always ready to run.. but the perfect play had already washed of my mind..
he let my hand go.. aahaaa.. what next.. he looked straight into those waves rushing towards us..n then retreating.. like sumone's pulling them away.. this is not happening.. m just not prepared for this.. he's .. how could he.. I just.. m .. I never thought he'd.. with glittering eyes.. like a ocean full of waves .. from sideways.. where I was looking from.. (my side.. he's always had this complaint of not being able to see things from my side..)
he continued.. " I never thought I'd say this to anyone.. I dont think like you.. I cant.. I just know.. I love you.. " m I drunk or wat.. " n its fine with me.. if you dont 'think' so.. " , he added. n the 'think' has never pinched me like that before.. I always thought he was just passing time...
n all this time when he was trying hard to hold it back.. a tear rolled down his eyes..
I held his hand that nite.. when we sat under the starlitsky that nite..

Saturday, August 16, 2008

... Let your Love pass you by!!!

" Charu come on u have to.. this is the time.. u cannot just let things go like this for long.. u have to sumday.. so why not now..."
I cannot.. I just cannot.. I know I should but am just .. too scared..or not. He kept telling me.. but Dad always say m too stubborn.. once I decide sumthing nobody can convince me to do otherwise...
but it wasnt the usual. If thats the word I may say , m commitment phobic.. I know its quite filmy..but I am.or maybe not.. why m I always so confused. I can never actually figure out things.
I always say "NO" the first time the question pops.n why dint I do it this time round?
M still wondering. maybe I dint want to. n I regret.. I don... oops yet again.. I can never decide on nething. why?
I know him for some time now.. he's a nice guy.. n more than that.. but have never really said a clear "Yes".. not even unclear. still he's been there. I know he knows the future's gonna be tough to imagine.. courtesy me..
m a living example of I think therefore .. I have to suffer..
why? like ne other normal being I can just think n worry bout myself.. for that's the last thing on Earth I think of doing.. or rather never think of. I have had a dream man.. I dont disagree to that. n this guy I know. nowhere nears that image I have in my mind. have had for a long time. but then He's much much beyond ,, too good.. he takes care of me like a baby.. n what more .. no expectations. ya barring a few here n there.. now n then. for months now have been trying to convince him to look for sumone better for himself..
n this way I just wanna steer out of my guilt for not having given ne effort to liven this relationship. .. Relationship.. wat??
m going crazy over this R word for sumtime.. quite sum time. but to no use.
I may rightly be called one of those hypocrites hwo talks tall.. n wen it comes to doing sumthing shruggs off the shoulders n runs off... poetic .. eh??
well, as for me.. I know wat kinna person I am.. n where I'd started from... far behind...
n not to say have not been able to convince him..
I for once wanted to stand up for sumthing.. in trying to b fair to all.. I just cannot forget to be fair to him.. to be fair to myself... forget it.. I just dont have the guts. no wonder I discourage ppl who start of well with their relationships.. (again...)
but how can I not think bout how nothing matches..his life.. n mine ( well is not that same now..)
his family n mine..(we need to workout) his lifestyle n mine( just a state of mind..) his thoughts n mine ( well dats good...)..
what else... is it just me?.. m not trying... why not.. why??
m I scared Dad wont say yes.. or Mom.. she just wont approve... but then ..
more than that.. m I sure of this .. sure of what.. m I even ready?
ready?? how much more time do I need.. I kinna know.. we'll manage.. manage ? nothing more??
ahh!! n now time is running out.. I need sum time.. is not what I can say.. I have taken long.. I just could never give him his girl.. He so deserves sumone.. he can talk to... but never.. I just always.. be in that " we are just friends " stage...wen I know maybe its not just that..
M a coward..
he always tells me he'll fight.. he's ready to take the call...
n I always tell him I wont fight.. I dont.. m a coward.. a coward have I been throughout this life..
Life m blaming these days.. should blame me... actually m doing no good to it..
I'll never forgive myself .. n He .. He's just spared of me.. this is what I'll keep on saying to shove off my guilt.. but I think I ..
I am in most probability getting engaged to some guy this weekend.. someone I dont know.. I dont know how n when would I be able to know him.. n even if I do.. I dont know if he'll ever know who I am..
I am not a fighter!!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

... just as they say !!

I am getting ready. Ya the usual make-up n all.. The girl thing.
It’s been a long courtship, if that’s wat they say.. N today.. yess today I am gonna say it..
To think of it.. I don’t have to say nething. He already knows..
He’s the guy I met long back.. We moved on from being strangers.. To acquaintances.. To friends.. Good friends.. The best of friends..
We have been together.. n he was the one to say it first n then again .. n again.. n many times since then..
I was always the one asking to wait.. Wait n watch kinds.. I am habitually a little cowardice. I just wanted to make sure if things were just the way they appear or not.
We fight, we laugh.. We have the memories of school children, college friends, flirting grown ups.. Anything to everything.
N today I say he’s my guy.. He is…
He called up an hour back.. which is not his usual thing.. coz he just bumps in a minute b4 n we are on talks for long whenever we get time.. this time though I was a little occupied .. n though we were keeping each other updated .. we are gonna meet after 2 months.. long time…
I still remember the night when he called me up n continued by his usual philosophical stance.. n how I knew its another break up. All nite long.. he went on with how he can never say yes.. till the time its knowing each other.. going out.. he’s ok.. but then he just wants to retreat back.. way back..
N how the girls eyes just lingers on.. for long..
N how he cannot sleep coz of the questions in those eyes…
He’s real sweetheart I know him.. very very well…

He’s always wanted to hear sumthing from me.. n I always do say sumthing.. in fact I say a lot.. but its that sumthing else , sumthing more he waits for.. Before keeping the phone down.. Every time how he just waits.. Gives me sum time.. To say something… I know.
Though I really never knew what is it he wanted to hear?
We are good friends… rite..

Have I ever told him.. how I always thought his perfume was irresistible.. I am a strong girl.. but I was wondering bout the other weaker ones.. how do they manage.. J
I never told him how even though I cannot smell his perfume today.. I can feel how it felt.. n I never told him.. how his hold.. I just long for it..
Nobody ever held me that way.. When have always wished for someone to. He just held me.. not that I wasn’t as usual trying to let go. Free myself.. Stay far.. but he kept holding me. it was so firm.. I have come across a lot of guys.. a lot of friends I have they were all given a chance.. Unconsciously or … but they could just never come up.. with the courage.. He did.. M still amazed.. How??
Think m going to tell him all of this today.. all what he ever wanted to hear n more.. Its today..

Here he is… “I.. I.. Sir…”

He was a sikh guy.. n it was the summer of ’84..
I was born six months later.. famous for my timing since then.

I look like my Dad... they say

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Its a Love story!!

So I am this guy, next door or next to next.
I am a big fan of pink Lloyd whether or not I know what is it they play.
N am not unaware of the recent Olympic sway by AB and how this has helped put under dark shadows the remaining undercover mice brigade. But u never know, guess, as my friend has started putting it grass is not always greener on the other side, maybe it is not.
M off work these days. Its unusual for those who have got to see me sitting idle for hours like say 24 hrs a day. But then I always put it this way, there’s much more to life then just a cheque that pays, n pays well. M, no ascetic in search of my ultimate goal in life.
M just a usual normal being in search of my life these days.
N ya before I go any further m back form the hospital today.
It was a long day, yesterday. Haven’t really slept, to think of it.
My sister was there. We are the fighting duo. We never talk. The peace talk thing never happened between us. N no regrets. We don’t think alike n we don’t match at all..
I was the happiest being when she got married last to last year. Its kina strange but she’s the only one without any doubts in her eyes as to what m I doing these days.
But ya, that nowhere makes us friends.
Late last night we had to take her to the hospital. I was sound in sleep. N dreaming bout my dream girl when the hussle bussle started.
Oh no. not at this hour . Its 12 midnight. But then come on it was serious. Dad was almost swimming in sweat. For once he wasn’t bothered by me being home. N I was happy. How he called on my name.
Everything gonna be fine dad ,I told him. Mom was worried too.. but how she manages to keep her cool at such panic times is sumthing I’ll wonder forever.
Class tenth I still remember how embarrassed I was learning the fact that it was my sister on whose dance performance my classmates were whistling at my back.
She won the 1st prize n she came to me. N like any other male I brushed her away. She almost came down to tears in front of her friends. Hmmm.. m not sorry. Or even if I was then I never said so. It was her last year in school. N I think at times I missed her not being around. No not missed actually ya how can I wen I was never me. I was always her brother all thru my school life. What else would she want.
Then the studies a few years later the volcano kina erupted. She asked Dad to meet a guy.
Tadaa… that was it, or it was that. My sis, my lovely sis. I cannot tell how happy I was this years long image came down to shatters. bingo!! Dad never said yes.
He never wanted to meet the guy. For he was sure she cannot ever make a right choice. N her decisions well, they’re not the ones to go for. I don’t exactly remember if she has ever taken ne decision though.
But it so happened, n for the first time had I ever seen her standing so strong. Wondering what has got on to her. She wasn’t herself for sure. Not just a guy. I know her she’s like no other girl. Anyways, it all worked fine. N her guy’s, sumhow, my best mate, my secrets keeper these days. Though m shocked by myself why him. I couldn’t find one ever by myself. I’d always thank her for him. I must confess how much I might have hated her she’s been my shining armor, Solutions to my problems, the curtain to hide behind. N a sure shot emotional fool to get ur work done.
Haa.. n now seeing the nurse hurrying, there’s this second confession to b made. I got scared too… they asked if someone would like to come n meet her. Mom went in n came back to call me. Me???? No way. M sure she’s having some trick up her sleeve even now.
I hate her. Doctors last call Mom pushed me a little. Ok ok.. m going, going… where to meet her. She sure is one devil. Where the hell is her guy now.. okkk.. I know he’s on his way tooo..
There she is, she wants me to come near. Now what else. Why the heck was I home today? She held my hand. She looked straight into my eyes. N its been years now. It is the same stare. Asking for nothing , not a query, nota answer, no expectations. Just a look. She just looks.n it still gives me shivers after all these years. Doc signals for me to leave. N I thank my stars. What perfect timing? I hurriedly turn back to leave. When she holds my hand tight n she whispers r not even that her lips move to say, is this wat she said “I am scared”… well well.. she’s scared.. n all this time she’s made me feel bad bout how I was the one scared to step up the stage. N how she was always there right there standing behind, to make me feel strong. N how she alwaz used to slip down the stares to amuse me n make me feel the smarter of the two. My friends still tell me she’s a smart gal. but but.. she’s really scared.
I stop there n I look at her, the doc takes her in., her hand slips outta mine. I felt a scare. Down this spine. As if… stop I almost shouted. But they have taken her.
I stood there without a movement of a bone.
“ she’s strong girl… It’s a girl…” my Mom was all smiles… wait wait .. what m I missing.. why m I lost always..why dint I hear what was meant to be heard. Damn.. the doc came towards me.. what now. What the hell did she do. He shook my hands n said “It’s a girl..” well.. gotcha.. I went inside . she was in tears. She looked at me..( how she always searches me outta the crowd I know) I almost ran over to her. She landed a beauty in my arms.. oops.. she’s soo small..soo cute… n I believe in love at first sight.. it was love at first sight.. I looked at my sis, she had no fear giving her girl into these irresponsible arms of mine.. no fear at all.. I am this good for nothing guy.. n I look at this girl in my arms.. she’s so calm.. just like her Mom.. just like my Sis.. I looked at her..n I can tell you I was scared.. when they took her away. I was bout to blurt out sumthing. N bang.. here he is .. her guy… I was talking bout. This guy has got some timing. Only coz of him. I was there.. n not to tell anyone. M thankful .
It is the first and the last time m gonna say this..
I love her.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Something.... ;-)

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~~ Neil Gaiman

Look For...


“You want to think and say that you have everything you need, but then you realize that something is missing, someone is missing... and once you think you've found it, it goes and disappears on you and you don't understand what to do or even where to start looking for that missing piece of the puzzle. You sit at home in lonely frustration and you just wait...wait...and wait. No where to look, no one to look for...”