Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
I had a fight with Mom n Dad. I almost always do.they think m the one quarrelome.. n ill-mannered. ya actually more than that, m just a little misunderstood I know everyone has the same complaint. but I was dreading this moment for the past two months. Its been 2 months m home now. yup sitting idle,surfing through the unbearable tv channels.
when I thought of mentioning this guy whom I knew wasnt just a friend. He was sumthing more, a little more. but things went so hurriedly for me to relate to. now when hav been away from him for quite sumtime I feel a void.
m a not to be trusted kinna soul. n m not ashamed to confess that myself. but I just felt an urge to go back n find a few answers by myself. n hav always thought that if ever I come across a guy, my Dad's gonna be teh first to say Yes.. n only then wud I even consider or else.. so before I even check out on him I want to b sure Dad knows. but yaaa. the volcano blew outta hand. he never expected this from me.. his eyes kept on telling me. n my Mom she even got to slapping me hard. well its just a mention. n the guy sits clueless in his place wondering how;s he ever gonna ask me this question. which he already has. n he knows m not gonna say yes..
Dad's not cooling down. Thought he'd atleast ask me how? Why? but its just how I had expected things to turn out. I just wanted their approval before I even start thinking bout a guy. now who the hell on Earth does that. I hav a patent in doing the most idiotic things.. rather define them. n now they wont let me go back to that place.. Bingo!! but have to go. its not just him.. but there are many ppl hav left behind. hav to catch up with.. I left home.
My train leaves in another 10 minutes . neither Mom nor Dad's here to drop me.. no justifications. have done them wrong. n have to bear the consequences.. like always the journey to that place has never been boring. its kinna all men compartment today. but how does that matter m gonna continue with my book reading n sleep off the night. the night.. would never wash of my dreams ever. it ruined everything i'd ever managed to build,I tried hard to ascape but thy were like seven of them.. I wanted to shout .. but I could not. I tried.. everything.. plzzz leave me... I have to tell him... I have to meet... Dadddddddd!!!!!
I opened my eyes in a hospital.. n why did I open them .. he was there.. they must have informed him.. got his no. from my phone.. with tears flowing.. I could still manage to see him... n there were his eyes... eyees that have been telling me how much he loves me.. he just wasnt.. looking at me.. this half dead body.. wasnt worth it anymore... I had longed for his touch all these two months... how everytime I have stayed away from him , have never let a being touch me .. never.. Noone else there eveer came to know I had come ... he got my tickets done for the next day. the only time he spoke to me.. n he said since he's to atten dto his office he wont b able to come see me off.. I nodded.... a nod I'd been saving for years , a nod that meant I am ready to take u as my better half, a nod that said u can hold me today, a nod that said thanks for being there, a nod that said it was you, a nod I took pride in.. a nod that landed there just in time to stop me from crying.. crying hard, stopped me from rushing over to him.. n hold him tight,, tell him am scared... tell him ... he's free of this burden. I left for my place.
I came back. Though Dad always wondered why m I so quite andnot mentioning that guy he was happy sumwhere thinking that the guy might have ditched me. some time passed. I was so engulfed into my own screams I dint realize until one day when my Mom slapped me hard again. That was when I came back to my senses, first time after that nite. just to wish why I survived it. she just could not control her tears.. she said she always knew I wasnt good enuf. she was broken to bits.. n I was more like a rock.. he always said I was heartless... I so wish I was.. the doc warned it was risky to get it aborted. I just could not get anything... I wanted to run away. I just dint knew what to do.. all I could see was those faces.. all I could manage to hear was my screams.. all I wanted was him to hold me tight .. hide me in his arms.. I saw tears again rolling down these eyes.. once again... I cannot even imagine my Dad looking at me.. I wouldnt be able to stand his helplessness. how he'll blame himself for everything.. I love him more than nething else. I left that place.
I came home late that evening. she was still crying. dad looked at me. all he could come up with was. give me his number. we'll get u married as early as possible.. he was worried. and more than that he was holding his tears back. well I just proved him right, I wasnt the daughter he deserved.. for all the up bringing he's put his heart into. I let him down... this look is gonna haunt me all thru my life from this day on. I went to my room.. got my things packed. there were no tears left inside me.. I came out. he said it now. "what do u want?? m getting u married to whoever u want?? what else do u want fro me?? am just... I always wanted the best for u.. you were the one I thought.. all these years when your mother took u as the one girl parents consider a burden.. whenever she cried for a son.. I knew u were more than a son... why did u have to?? why?? n now.. dint u hear. I said m ready to get u married to that guy " he fell on the sofa. " I am sorry Dad... " is all I could say. I left my home.
While every night I still see his smiling face winking at me from a distance n how shocked it made me.. I still see that look on Dad's face .. like he was betrayed .. n how disgusting it made me appear.. I still see Mom telling me am the one she's so afraid would end up doing sumthing that'll shake them up.. n how I lived up to it.
"Sneh where are you??" " Am up here .. hey Mom !! u know what all my friends tell me they wish they had a Mom like you.. " I wish , this one wish goes unheard.
It was a girl... a beautiful girl.. she's three now n she's really grown into one smart kid.. Sneh..I always wanted to tell him the name I had thought for my girl. but he never let me speak..
Its her dreams am living these days .. I left mine in the dark forever.
Monday, August 18, 2008
he knew exactly what to say.. timing .. he's always been superb at it..
if there's neone who knows when to play the right tune.. he does..
from taking the right foot forward on the dance floor ..
to mingling with the right kind of people at a social gathering..
to being the most eligible boy friend material..
I have always been the better to keep it safe freak.. n if there'd be any regret in my life.. it'll b the same.. kept it safe all along..
haaaa n not only that m his girl friend.. well that's what he says.. he calls me the lucky one.. I mind??well no not really.. until m the only one.. he's keeping lucky on this part of Earth..I mean the crust.. Geography is my fav subject ..n his too.. but not on parallel lines.
tonite was no different in a way that we were together taking a stroll on the beach..n he knows my likes .. to take care of them well.. we had walked for an hour when he held me hand.. the way he does it.. it still gives me goosebumps. . after say about 5 months of our togetherness.. he still knows what it means to me when he diminishes the 2mm distance between us. or maybe he's too experienced to handle all kinna girls.. m just the ultimate test.. of his patience..
he has already warned that today is going to be different.. n though the thought had escaped my mind that moment itself. but now when he swam his fingers across mine in a rather never felt.. never done before manner.. I felt a chill.. I was preparing myself for nething that comes next.. sumthing I was expecting months back... n how I have been rehearsing the whole melodrama set btw us if he tries to...even the tears.. how they'll flow.. how he can never hurt me stare in my eyes n how.. he'll have this slight sense of guilt in his beautiful eyes.. (they are enchanting..they got to be.. that's where I fell..)
that's me actually I have the dialogues always ready.. like I foresee what's gonna happen. n the play is directed , well executed.. n applauded.. by me.. till date ..have been very very poor at foresighting.. haaa.. wonder what m I good at ?
newaz I wasnt getting anything in my mind this time.. n bingo.. I know he can hurt me now.. hurt me a lot.. timing right.. he's been perfect at.. if he's stepping ne further tahn his limits today.. all he'll see is a cry baby.. who'll b dying to run away... what has he done to me..
he started going down on that sand shining in the moonlight.. n he pulled me towards him.. m not .. m not .. what the hell... distance sweetheart.. he sat there n he gestured me to sit besides him.. well.. okk.. chill chill.. m always ready to run.. but the perfect play had already washed of my mind..
he let my hand go.. aahaaa.. what next.. he looked straight into those waves rushing towards us..n then retreating.. like sumone's pulling them away.. this is not happening.. m just not prepared for this.. he's .. how could he.. I just.. m .. I never thought he'd.. with glittering eyes.. like a ocean full of waves .. from sideways.. where I was looking from.. (my side.. he's always had this complaint of not being able to see things from my side..)
he continued.. " I never thought I'd say this to anyone.. I dont think like you.. I cant.. I just know.. I love you.. " m I drunk or wat.. " n its fine with me.. if you dont 'think' so.. " , he added. n the 'think' has never pinched me like that before.. I always thought he was just passing time...
n all this time when he was trying hard to hold it back.. a tear rolled down his eyes..
I held his hand that nite.. when we sat under the starlitsky that nite..
Saturday, August 16, 2008
I cannot.. I just cannot.. I know I should but am just .. too scared..or not. He kept telling me.. but Dad always say m too stubborn.. once I decide sumthing nobody can convince me to do otherwise...
but it wasnt the usual. If thats the word I may say , m commitment phobic.. I know its quite filmy..but I am.or maybe not.. why m I always so confused. I can never actually figure out things.
I always say "NO" the first time the question pops.n why dint I do it this time round?
M still wondering. maybe I dint want to. n I regret.. I don... oops yet again.. I can never decide on nething. why?
I know him for some time now.. he's a nice guy.. n more than that.. but have never really said a clear "Yes".. not even unclear. still he's been there. I know he knows the future's gonna be tough to imagine.. courtesy me..
m a living example of I think therefore .. I have to suffer..
why? like ne other normal being I can just think n worry bout myself.. for that's the last thing on Earth I think of doing.. or rather never think of. I have had a dream man.. I dont disagree to that. n this guy I know. nowhere nears that image I have in my mind. have had for a long time. but then He's much much beyond ,, too good.. he takes care of me like a baby.. n what more .. no expectations. ya barring a few here n there.. now n then. for months now have been trying to convince him to look for sumone better for himself..
n this way I just wanna steer out of my guilt for not having given ne effort to liven this relationship. .. Relationship.. wat??
m going crazy over this R word for sumtime.. quite sum time. but to no use.
I may rightly be called one of those hypocrites hwo talks tall.. n wen it comes to doing sumthing shruggs off the shoulders n runs off... poetic .. eh??
well, as for me.. I know wat kinna person I am.. n where I'd started from... far behind...
n not to say have not been able to convince him..
I for once wanted to stand up for sumthing.. in trying to b fair to all.. I just cannot forget to be fair to him.. to be fair to myself... forget it.. I just dont have the guts. no wonder I discourage ppl who start of well with their relationships.. (again...)
but how can I not think bout how nothing matches..his life.. n mine ( well is not that same now..)
his family n mine..(we need to workout) his lifestyle n mine( just a state of mind..) his thoughts n mine ( well dats good...)..
what else... is it just me?.. m not trying... why not.. why??
m I scared Dad wont say yes.. or Mom.. she just wont approve... but then ..
more than that.. m I sure of this .. sure of what.. m I even ready?
ready?? how much more time do I need.. I kinna know.. we'll manage.. manage ? nothing more??
ahh!! n now time is running out.. I need sum time.. is not what I can say.. I have taken long.. I just could never give him his girl.. He so deserves sumone.. he can talk to... but never.. I just always.. be in that " we are just friends " stage...wen I know maybe its not just that..
M a coward..
he always tells me he'll fight.. he's ready to take the call...
n I always tell him I wont fight.. I dont.. m a coward.. a coward have I been throughout this life..
Life m blaming these days.. should blame me... actually m doing no good to it..
I'll never forgive myself .. n He .. He's just spared of me.. this is what I'll keep on saying to shove off my guilt.. but I think I ..
I am in most probability getting engaged to some guy this weekend.. someone I dont know.. I dont know how n when would I be able to know him.. n even if I do.. I dont know if he'll ever know who I am..
I am not a fighter!!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I am getting ready. Ya the usual make-up n all.. The girl thing.
It’s been a long courtship, if that’s wat they say.. N today.. yess today I am gonna say it..
To think of it.. I don’t have to say nething. He already knows..
He’s the guy I met long back.. We moved on from being strangers.. To acquaintances.. To friends.. Good friends.. The best of friends..
We have been together.. n he was the one to say it first n then again .. n again.. n many times since then..
I was always the one asking to wait.. Wait n watch kinds.. I am habitually a little cowardice. I just wanted to make sure if things were just the way they appear or not.
We fight, we laugh.. We have the memories of school children, college friends, flirting grown ups.. Anything to everything.
N today I say he’s my guy.. He is…
He called up an hour back.. which is not his usual thing.. coz he just bumps in a minute b4 n we are on talks for long whenever we get time.. this time though I was a little occupied .. n though we were keeping each other updated .. we are gonna meet after 2 months.. long time…
I still remember the night when he called me up n continued by his usual philosophical stance.. n how I knew its another break up. All nite long.. he went on with how he can never say yes.. till the time its knowing each other.. going out.. he’s ok.. but then he just wants to retreat back.. way back..
N how the girls eyes just lingers on.. for long..
N how he cannot sleep coz of the questions in those eyes…
He’s real sweetheart I know him.. very very well…
He’s always wanted to hear sumthing from me.. n I always do say sumthing.. in fact I say a lot.. but its that sumthing else , sumthing more he waits for.. Before keeping the phone down.. Every time how he just waits.. Gives me sum time.. To say something… I know.
Though I really never knew what is it he wanted to hear?
We are good friends… rite..
Have I ever told him.. how I always thought his perfume was irresistible.. I am a strong girl.. but I was wondering bout the other weaker ones.. how do they manage.. J
I never told him how even though I cannot smell his perfume today.. I can feel how it felt.. n I never told him.. how his hold.. I just long for it..
Nobody ever held me that way.. When have always wished for someone to. He just held me.. not that I wasn’t as usual trying to let go. Free myself.. Stay far.. but he kept holding me. it was so firm.. I have come across a lot of guys.. a lot of friends I have they were all given a chance.. Unconsciously or … but they could just never come up.. with the courage.. He did.. M still amazed.. How??
Think m going to tell him all of this today.. all what he ever wanted to hear n more.. Its today..
Here he is… “I.. I.. Sir…”
He was a sikh guy.. n it was the summer of ’84..
I was born six months later.. famous for my timing since then.
I look like my Dad... they say
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I am a big fan of pink Lloyd whether or not I know what is it they play.
N am not unaware of the recent Olympic sway by AB and how this has helped put under dark shadows the remaining undercover mice brigade. But u never know, guess, as my friend has started putting it grass is not always greener on the other side, maybe it is not.
M off work these days. Its unusual for those who have got to see me sitting idle for hours like say 24 hrs a day. But then I always put it this way, there’s much more to life then just a cheque that pays, n pays well. M, no ascetic in search of my ultimate goal in life.
M just a usual normal being in search of my life these days.
N ya before I go any further m back form the hospital today.
It was a long day, yesterday. Haven’t really slept, to think of it.
My sister was there. We are the fighting duo. We never talk. The peace talk thing never happened between us. N no regrets. We don’t think alike n we don’t match at all..
I was the happiest being when she got married last to last year. Its kina strange but she’s the only one without any doubts in her eyes as to what m I doing these days.
But ya, that nowhere makes us friends.
Late last night we had to take her to the hospital. I was sound in sleep. N dreaming bout my dream girl when the hussle bussle started.
Oh no. not at this hour . Its 12 midnight. But then come on it was serious. Dad was almost swimming in sweat. For once he wasn’t bothered by me being home. N I was happy. How he called on my name.
Everything gonna be fine dad ,I told him. Mom was worried too.. but how she manages to keep her cool at such panic times is sumthing I’ll wonder forever.
Class tenth I still remember how embarrassed I was learning the fact that it was my sister on whose dance performance my classmates were whistling at my back.
She won the 1st prize n she came to me. N like any other male I brushed her away. She almost came down to tears in front of her friends. Hmmm.. m not sorry. Or even if I was then I never said so. It was her last year in school. N I think at times I missed her not being around. No not missed actually ya how can I wen I was never me. I was always her brother all thru my school life. What else would she want.
Then the studies a few years later the volcano kina erupted. She asked Dad to meet a guy.
Tadaa… that was it, or it was that. My sis, my lovely sis. I cannot tell how happy I was this years long image came down to shatters. bingo!! Dad never said yes.
He never wanted to meet the guy. For he was sure she cannot ever make a right choice. N her decisions well, they’re not the ones to go for. I don’t exactly remember if she has ever taken ne decision though.
But it so happened, n for the first time had I ever seen her standing so strong. Wondering what has got on to her. She wasn’t herself for sure. Not just a guy. I know her she’s like no other girl. Anyways, it all worked fine. N her guy’s, sumhow, my best mate, my secrets keeper these days. Though m shocked by myself why him. I couldn’t find one ever by myself. I’d always thank her for him. I must confess how much I might have hated her she’s been my shining armor, Solutions to my problems, the curtain to hide behind. N a sure shot emotional fool to get ur work done.
Haa.. n now seeing the nurse hurrying, there’s this second confession to b made. I got scared too… they asked if someone would like to come n meet her. Mom went in n came back to call me. Me???? No way. M sure she’s having some trick up her sleeve even now.
I hate her. Doctors last call Mom pushed me a little. Ok ok.. m going, going… where to meet her. She sure is one devil. Where the hell is her guy now.. okkk.. I know he’s on his way tooo..
There she is, she wants me to come near. Now what else. Why the heck was I home today? She held my hand. She looked straight into my eyes. N its been years now. It is the same stare. Asking for nothing , not a query, nota answer, no expectations. Just a look. She just looks.n it still gives me shivers after all these years. Doc signals for me to leave. N I thank my stars. What perfect timing? I hurriedly turn back to leave. When she holds my hand tight n she whispers r not even that her lips move to say, is this wat she said “I am scared”… well well.. she’s scared.. n all this time she’s made me feel bad bout how I was the one scared to step up the stage. N how she was always there right there standing behind, to make me feel strong. N how she alwaz used to slip down the stares to amuse me n make me feel the smarter of the two. My friends still tell me she’s a smart gal. but but.. she’s really scared.
I stop there n I look at her, the doc takes her in., her hand slips outta mine. I felt a scare. Down this spine. As if… stop I almost shouted. But they have taken her.
I stood there without a movement of a bone.
“ she’s strong girl… It’s a girl…” my Mom was all smiles… wait wait .. what m I missing.. why m I lost always..why dint I hear what was meant to be heard. Damn.. the doc came towards me.. what now. What the hell did she do. He shook my hands n said “It’s a girl..” well.. gotcha.. I went inside . she was in tears. She looked at me..( how she always searches me outta the crowd I know) I almost ran over to her. She landed a beauty in my arms.. oops.. she’s soo small..soo cute… n I believe in love at first sight.. it was love at first sight.. I looked at my sis, she had no fear giving her girl into these irresponsible arms of mine.. no fear at all.. I am this good for nothing guy.. n I look at this girl in my arms.. she’s so calm.. just like her Mom.. just like my Sis.. I looked at her..n I can tell you I was scared.. when they took her away. I was bout to blurt out sumthing. N bang.. here he is .. her guy… I was talking bout. This guy has got some timing. Only coz of him. I was there.. n not to tell anyone. M thankful .
It is the first and the last time m gonna say this..
I love her.
Monday, August 11, 2008
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
~~ Neil Gaiman