" Charu come on u have to.. this is the time.. u cannot just let things go like this for long.. u have to sumday.. so why not now..."
I cannot.. I just cannot.. I know I should but am just .. too scared..or not. He kept telling me.. but Dad always say m too stubborn.. once I decide sumthing nobody can convince me to do otherwise...
but it wasnt the usual. If thats the word I may say , m commitment phobic.. I know its quite filmy..but I am.or maybe not.. why m I always so confused. I can never actually figure out things.
I always say "NO" the first time the question pops.n why dint I do it this time round?
M still wondering. maybe I dint want to. n I regret.. I don... oops yet again.. I can never decide on nething. why?
I know him for some time now.. he's a nice guy.. n more than that.. but have never really said a clear "Yes".. not even unclear. still he's been there. I know he knows the future's gonna be tough to imagine.. courtesy me..
m a living example of I think therefore .. I have to suffer..
why? like ne other normal being I can just think n worry bout myself.. for that's the last thing on Earth I think of doing.. or rather never think of. I have had a dream man.. I dont disagree to that. n this guy I know. nowhere nears that image I have in my mind. have had for a long time. but then He's much much beyond ,, too good.. he takes care of me like a baby.. n what more .. no expectations. ya barring a few here n there.. now n then. for months now have been trying to convince him to look for sumone better for himself..
n this way I just wanna steer out of my guilt for not having given ne effort to liven this relationship. .. Relationship.. wat??
m going crazy over this R word for sumtime.. quite sum time. but to no use.
I may rightly be called one of those hypocrites hwo talks tall.. n wen it comes to doing sumthing shruggs off the shoulders n runs off... poetic .. eh??
well, as for me.. I know wat kinna person I am.. n where I'd started from... far behind...
n not to say have not been able to convince him..
I for once wanted to stand up for sumthing.. in trying to b fair to all.. I just cannot forget to be fair to him.. to be fair to myself... forget it.. I just dont have the guts. no wonder I discourage ppl who start of well with their relationships.. (again...)
but how can I not think bout how nothing matches..his life.. n mine ( well is not that same now..)
his family n mine..(we need to workout) his lifestyle n mine( just a state of mind..) his thoughts n mine ( well dats good...)..
what else... is it just me?.. m not trying... why not.. why??
m I scared Dad wont say yes.. or Mom.. she just wont approve... but then ..
more than that.. m I sure of this .. sure of what.. m I even ready?
ready?? how much more time do I need.. I kinna know.. we'll manage.. manage ? nothing more??
ahh!! n now time is running out.. I need sum time.. is not what I can say.. I have taken long.. I just could never give him his girl.. He so deserves sumone.. he can talk to... but never.. I just always.. be in that " we are just friends " stage...wen I know maybe its not just that..
M a coward..
he always tells me he'll fight.. he's ready to take the call...
n I always tell him I wont fight.. I dont.. m a coward.. a coward have I been throughout this life..
Life m blaming these days.. should blame me... actually m doing no good to it..
I'll never forgive myself .. n He .. He's just spared of me.. this is what I'll keep on saying to shove off my guilt.. but I think I ..
I am in most probability getting engaged to some guy this weekend.. someone I dont know.. I dont know how n when would I be able to know him.. n even if I do.. I dont know if he'll ever know who I am..
I am not a fighter!!
3 years ago