Friday, August 22, 2008

n again i left..

3 years.. she has definitely grown up. .

I had a fight with Mom n Dad. I almost always do.they think m the one quarrelome.. n ill-mannered. ya actually more than that, m just a little misunderstood I know everyone has the same complaint. but I was dreading this moment for the past two months. Its been 2 months m home now. yup sitting idle,surfing through the unbearable tv channels.
when I thought of mentioning this guy whom I knew wasnt just a friend. He was sumthing more, a little more. but things went so hurriedly for me to relate to. now when hav been away from him for quite sumtime I feel a void.
m a not to be trusted kinna soul. n m not ashamed to confess that myself. but I just felt an urge to go back n find a few answers by myself. n hav always thought that if ever I come across a guy, my Dad's gonna be teh first to say Yes.. n only then wud I even consider or else.. so before I even check out on him I want to b sure Dad knows. but yaaa. the volcano blew outta hand. he never expected this from me.. his eyes kept on telling me. n my Mom she even got to slapping me hard. well its just a mention. n the guy sits clueless in his place wondering how;s he ever gonna ask me this question. which he already has. n he knows m not gonna say yes..
Dad's not cooling down. Thought he'd atleast ask me how? Why? but its just how I had expected things to turn out. I just wanted their approval before I even start thinking bout a guy. now who the hell on Earth does that. I hav a patent in doing the most idiotic things.. rather define them. n now they wont let me go back to that place.. Bingo!! but have to go. its not just him.. but there are many ppl hav left behind. hav to catch up with.. I left home.
My train leaves in another 10 minutes . neither Mom nor Dad's here to drop me.. no justifications. have done them wrong. n have to bear the consequences.. like always the journey to that place has never been boring. its kinna all men compartment today. but how does that matter m gonna continue with my book reading n sleep off the night. the night.. would never wash of my dreams ever. it ruined everything i'd ever managed to build,I tried hard to ascape but thy were like seven of them.. I wanted to shout .. but I could not. I tried.. everything.. plzzz leave me... I have to tell him... I have to meet... Dadddddddd!!!!!
I opened my eyes in a hospital.. n why did I open them .. he was there.. they must have informed him.. got his no. from my phone.. with tears flowing.. I could still manage to see him... n there were his eyes... eyees that have been telling me how much he loves me.. he just wasnt.. looking at me.. this half dead body.. wasnt worth it anymore... I had longed for his touch all these two months... how everytime I have stayed away from him , have never let a being touch me .. never.. Noone else there eveer came to know I had come ... he got my tickets done for the next day. the only time he spoke to me.. n he said since he's to atten dto his office he wont b able to come see me off.. I nodded.... a nod I'd been saving for years , a nod that meant I am ready to take u as my better half, a nod that said u can hold me today, a nod that said thanks for being there, a nod that said it was you, a nod I took pride in.. a nod that landed there just in time to stop me from crying.. crying hard, stopped me from rushing over to him.. n hold him tight,, tell him am scared... tell him ... he's free of this burden. I left for my place.

I came back. Though Dad always wondered why m I so quite andnot mentioning that guy he was happy sumwhere thinking that the guy might have ditched me. some time passed. I was so engulfed into my own screams I dint realize until one day when my Mom slapped me hard again. That was when I came back to my senses, first time after that nite. just to wish why I survived it. she just could not control her tears.. she said she always knew I wasnt good enuf. she was broken to bits.. n I was more like a rock.. he always said I was heartless... I so wish I was.. the doc warned it was risky to get it aborted. I just could not get anything... I wanted to run away. I just dint knew what to do.. all I could see was those faces.. all I could manage to hear was my screams.. all I wanted was him to hold me tight .. hide me in his arms.. I saw tears again rolling down these eyes.. once again... I cannot even imagine my Dad looking at me.. I wouldnt be able to stand his helplessness. how he'll blame himself for everything.. I love him more than nething else. I left that place.
I came home late that evening. she was still crying. dad looked at me. all he could come up with was. give me his number. we'll get u married as early as possible.. he was worried. and more than that he was holding his tears back. well I just proved him right, I wasnt the daughter he deserved.. for all the up bringing he's put his heart into. I let him down... this look is gonna haunt me all thru my life from this day on. I went to my room.. got my things packed. there were no tears left inside me.. I came out. he said it now. "what do u want?? m getting u married to whoever u want?? what else do u want fro me?? am just... I always wanted the best for u.. you were the one I thought.. all these years when your mother took u as the one girl parents consider a burden.. whenever she cried for a son.. I knew u were more than a son... why did u have to?? why?? n now.. dint u hear. I said m ready to get u married to that guy " he fell on the sofa. " I am sorry Dad... " is all I could say. I left my home.

While every night I still see his smiling face winking at me from a distance n how shocked it made me.. I still see that look on Dad's face .. like he was betrayed .. n how disgusting it made me appear.. I still see Mom telling me am the one she's so afraid would end up doing sumthing that'll shake them up.. n how I lived up to it.

"Sneh where are you??" " Am up here .. hey Mom !! u know what all my friends tell me they wish they had a Mom like you.. " I wish , this one wish goes unheard.
It was a girl... a beautiful girl.. she's three now n she's really grown into one smart kid.. Sneh..I always wanted to tell him the name I had thought for my girl. but he never let me speak..
Its her dreams am living these days .. I left mine in the dark forever.

1 comment:

Aupsy-The cOOlest One!! said...

awesome...mind blowing... still in awe of ur imagination, jus like a bollywood movie i must say, put astutely into words , with ur usual panache!!!
Gr8 goin... :)