Friday, September 26, 2008

from the shadow cast !!

I started just like any other child on this planet begins or maybe not exactly. I have always been different since the day have started seeing myself, understanding things , I cud but figure out one thing I was not the same. I dont remember much of my childhood and so have had no childhood dreams like any other kid. I dont remember if I ever wished to be an astronaut but ya I do remember faces, incidents. People who have left a mark on this little heart. I am a good grown up kid of 23 yrs. now. It has been eventful. N sadly for me I cant really recall many of those events.
This is not going to be an autobiography at all. All these yeras I have never had many friends. N so I canot really give this term a definition. I still see how at a very young age I used to have this girl in my class n how she had a lot of friends . She wasnt just good with teachers but brilliant at her studies. This might sound like repetitive but this is true. All I cud ever think of was she being there. She was the only person I can still make an image of after all these years. Never did I even notice anyone around or more rightly put never did anyone ever notice this soul around. I am a scared person. N this could hva been my worst nightmares coming true when one day she told me she's gona leave this palce. I dont remember exactly but I know I cried a lot dat day. She was the person I got used to hiding behind in my class, in school, among other children. I never wanted to go back to that place called school. I have no other memories. coz I never came out of that shadow to see anything.
I am just used to hiding behind. Sumtimes when I was cornered so beautifully at family gatherings, I dont even remember, but I know. It helps to have a goldfish memory though. I took a long time before I knew who I was or even sumone by me even existed. My Dad has been the person I remember hiding behind all these years. They say she's a Daddy's girl. when even amidst a lot of people I'd slide off to the corner where my Dad is standing. I know he used to take pride in the fact. How at the parent teacher meetings I used to stand behind him comfortably. Even my teacher had to bend a little to have a look at me. My friend told me he got scared of my Dad , wondering if he's the strict one for me to keep scared. I told him later how My dad is the sweetest of 'em all, how he's stayed awake late in the nights wen I was studying for my social studies paper the other morning. He's been the person I look back to when I have to make a decision. Even if its just which foot to move forward. He's the one I run over to and hide behind when I felt fear. He's been the only guy (if u can call Dads as guys ) in my life all those years. I dont recognize with talking to guys as sumthing I'd associate myself with. With time things started changing. I had friends who were guys maybe one or two or more. But was never really used to. I was used to only one thing staying away, hiding behind, running away, being scared.
When I left my home for the first time to stay away alone. I know how it felt.It was different. Things started changing. Dad was still the one who got to decide. but he not being there all the time made it tough for me to do things by myself. Sumthing am not used to. I never got to do. I never thought I'd do. That's when I realized something in me thinks. It does. I decides. It can take responsibility but is afraid to. coz m not used to being responsible. I think I used to look for a place to hide behind for a long while till I got used to roaming alone. I was becomming bold or was I really that bold always. I could still not talk to many people at once. I was still uncomfortable in gatherings. I would still shy away n go missing if people called out my name. I felt at ease when ppl used to miss out on me even when we were just two of us standing there. These were a few moments that made me feel better and me. I dont make many friends coz m not used to. What I hav always been acquainted with is being pushed a little away, aside, out of the picture. Am happy being the crowd. And maybe that's the reason I become what ppl think I am. I have never stood alone to see who am I. coz am afraid I might just see. And then what, I'll start thinking by myself, I might have my own dreams when all this time have lived in a shadow.
I believe in what I am made to believe and its been a comfort that way.
But time changes at 23 today it seems different then what it has been. I started by holding his fingers. I know today I can walk all by myself. I still make ita point to hold his hand even when my hand is slipping out. its growing. I know for sure however may I grow up I'll be his little girl. but where all this is creating a rift is He still thinks am the one hiding behind. Sumtimes he cannot see me running away to even catch a butterfly, I know I'll come back to him, n hide behind. But he gets scared. I can see it. Sumtimes when I decide on the color of my dress He gets a little disappointed, coz I dint turn to ask him, I cud see the expression which says he thinks have grown up . But I want to tell him its he who still decides I just point at it. He is the one I'll always be hiding behind. I know how at times when am confused over sumthing unable to decide I keep mum for days, maybe I ahve grown up, or maybe I have started thinking. or maybe its him who has taught me how to think. I can see it on his face , that am hiding things from him. Am I? maybe but am still there under his shadow from where it all seems rosy and beautiful. I now try to make decisions. I can understand now how tough it is.

Its behind his back I have always stood wondering nothing at all,
N how all this while have never decided which dress to put on,
one day I'll be required to decide this way or that,
and at the crossroads when Dad will look at me and say its ur decision ur power,
I'll be dumbstruck unaware of the thought, how to decide wen have never been asked,
Its him I look out for whne even falling off the rod.
I might have decided sumthing today
but its all been behind ur back, in the shadow cast.
m nothing outside it, have never been anything beyond.
m younger than your younger one, still roaming in the house in my shorts.
when your eyes tell me have grown a lot to listen to you, or ask you what not to do.
Its the shadow am still in awe of, coz m the girl who has never seen life.
more than what u have shown or what u have taught of.
If I hold a hand today, u think m not meant for.
maybe I'd leave it, for the one you'd have in mind for me,
I may tell you DAD, its you who get to decide even today ,
I just point at it from afar..

Happy Daughter's Day..

3 comments:

aupsy said...

nice one... a true dedication to daddy dearest... hope he gets to read it more than neone else...

n hey...u aint "growing bolder"...ur'e jus gettin olderrr!!!

;)

Gemini said...

i know kiddo!!

;)

Aupsy-The cOOlest One!! said...

yeah...the kiddo who u call sir