Friday, September 26, 2008

from the shadow cast !!

I started just like any other child on this planet begins or maybe not exactly. I have always been different since the day have started seeing myself, understanding things , I cud but figure out one thing I was not the same. I dont remember much of my childhood and so have had no childhood dreams like any other kid. I dont remember if I ever wished to be an astronaut but ya I do remember faces, incidents. People who have left a mark on this little heart. I am a good grown up kid of 23 yrs. now. It has been eventful. N sadly for me I cant really recall many of those events.
This is not going to be an autobiography at all. All these yeras I have never had many friends. N so I canot really give this term a definition. I still see how at a very young age I used to have this girl in my class n how she had a lot of friends . She wasnt just good with teachers but brilliant at her studies. This might sound like repetitive but this is true. All I cud ever think of was she being there. She was the only person I can still make an image of after all these years. Never did I even notice anyone around or more rightly put never did anyone ever notice this soul around. I am a scared person. N this could hva been my worst nightmares coming true when one day she told me she's gona leave this palce. I dont remember exactly but I know I cried a lot dat day. She was the person I got used to hiding behind in my class, in school, among other children. I never wanted to go back to that place called school. I have no other memories. coz I never came out of that shadow to see anything.
I am just used to hiding behind. Sumtimes when I was cornered so beautifully at family gatherings, I dont even remember, but I know. It helps to have a goldfish memory though. I took a long time before I knew who I was or even sumone by me even existed. My Dad has been the person I remember hiding behind all these years. They say she's a Daddy's girl. when even amidst a lot of people I'd slide off to the corner where my Dad is standing. I know he used to take pride in the fact. How at the parent teacher meetings I used to stand behind him comfortably. Even my teacher had to bend a little to have a look at me. My friend told me he got scared of my Dad , wondering if he's the strict one for me to keep scared. I told him later how My dad is the sweetest of 'em all, how he's stayed awake late in the nights wen I was studying for my social studies paper the other morning. He's been the person I look back to when I have to make a decision. Even if its just which foot to move forward. He's the one I run over to and hide behind when I felt fear. He's been the only guy (if u can call Dads as guys ) in my life all those years. I dont recognize with talking to guys as sumthing I'd associate myself with. With time things started changing. I had friends who were guys maybe one or two or more. But was never really used to. I was used to only one thing staying away, hiding behind, running away, being scared.
When I left my home for the first time to stay away alone. I know how it felt.It was different. Things started changing. Dad was still the one who got to decide. but he not being there all the time made it tough for me to do things by myself. Sumthing am not used to. I never got to do. I never thought I'd do. That's when I realized something in me thinks. It does. I decides. It can take responsibility but is afraid to. coz m not used to being responsible. I think I used to look for a place to hide behind for a long while till I got used to roaming alone. I was becomming bold or was I really that bold always. I could still not talk to many people at once. I was still uncomfortable in gatherings. I would still shy away n go missing if people called out my name. I felt at ease when ppl used to miss out on me even when we were just two of us standing there. These were a few moments that made me feel better and me. I dont make many friends coz m not used to. What I hav always been acquainted with is being pushed a little away, aside, out of the picture. Am happy being the crowd. And maybe that's the reason I become what ppl think I am. I have never stood alone to see who am I. coz am afraid I might just see. And then what, I'll start thinking by myself, I might have my own dreams when all this time have lived in a shadow.
I believe in what I am made to believe and its been a comfort that way.
But time changes at 23 today it seems different then what it has been. I started by holding his fingers. I know today I can walk all by myself. I still make ita point to hold his hand even when my hand is slipping out. its growing. I know for sure however may I grow up I'll be his little girl. but where all this is creating a rift is He still thinks am the one hiding behind. Sumtimes he cannot see me running away to even catch a butterfly, I know I'll come back to him, n hide behind. But he gets scared. I can see it. Sumtimes when I decide on the color of my dress He gets a little disappointed, coz I dint turn to ask him, I cud see the expression which says he thinks have grown up . But I want to tell him its he who still decides I just point at it. He is the one I'll always be hiding behind. I know how at times when am confused over sumthing unable to decide I keep mum for days, maybe I ahve grown up, or maybe I have started thinking. or maybe its him who has taught me how to think. I can see it on his face , that am hiding things from him. Am I? maybe but am still there under his shadow from where it all seems rosy and beautiful. I now try to make decisions. I can understand now how tough it is.

Its behind his back I have always stood wondering nothing at all,
N how all this while have never decided which dress to put on,
one day I'll be required to decide this way or that,
and at the crossroads when Dad will look at me and say its ur decision ur power,
I'll be dumbstruck unaware of the thought, how to decide wen have never been asked,
Its him I look out for whne even falling off the rod.
I might have decided sumthing today
but its all been behind ur back, in the shadow cast.
m nothing outside it, have never been anything beyond.
m younger than your younger one, still roaming in the house in my shorts.
when your eyes tell me have grown a lot to listen to you, or ask you what not to do.
Its the shadow am still in awe of, coz m the girl who has never seen life.
more than what u have shown or what u have taught of.
If I hold a hand today, u think m not meant for.
maybe I'd leave it, for the one you'd have in mind for me,
I may tell you DAD, its you who get to decide even today ,
I just point at it from afar..

Happy Daughter's Day..

Thursday, September 25, 2008

till my last !!

" I just wanna inform m .. getting married the day after... hope u r fine.. m gonna ... take care.. "
What do u mean.. not just like that... wait lemme just atleast.. come on.. u've gone nuts or wat... I hav gottta do sumthing bout it.. He cannot... how cud he ... m..
My fault.. I was the one.. all this while making him understand how we are two very very different persons.. not meant to b together.. not meant for each other.. how it's going to b impossible.. n he got it finally.. but.. why m I feeling.. I wanted this all along.. n dis is wat happened.. now wat.. distance .. distance.. everything at a distance..
day after.. dat leaves me 2 days.. m gona get to him.. he cant.. n why cant he? u asked him to..
now let him b happy.. plzz let him b by himself.. for his sake.. but .. wat bout me... wat bout u? u said nothing matters.. another guy another day.. ur words.. u repeat everytime.. everyday.. sumone tries to come close... ya.. but .. I .. need him... I know that.. as for now.. m not gonna wait.. m leaving for his place..
this is the train u've dreaded to take ever.. wat r u upto? this is not meant for u.. let him go.. I cant.. I just cant.. this is wat I've always said... but u have thought over it so many times.. its gonna b tough.. not even manageable... u've hell with it... who analyzes..
be practical.. for this once.. I dont want to... his touch still means a lot... his eyes.. they r menat to look just into mine.. plzz.. hurry up... m scared..
now wat?? wat after this.. I dont know nething.. where he puts up.. where is his home... ahhh.. great .. brilliant analyst.. think sumthing.. mayb this is it.. nowhere to go.. its the end for my journey. he's going to b sumone else's today.. u never really knew the path to him... u missed him.. I ..m .. how m I.. how cud I.. he was so near to me.. I was the one trying to act so strong.. how its gonna b the simplest thing in the world.. to let go off him.. how he meant nothing to me.
I successfully convinced him..
I think.. I'd b fine.. like how I say.. Is it time to go back.. we are not meant for each other...
wat m I?? pathetic.. this is more like.. the person neone wud hate.. come on.. is this called, to adapt.. or.. adjust.. or just move on.. more than that... comfortably sliding off... wat is it dat I want.. wud I ever know.. I never wanted him at the first place... then he became important.. I got practical.. decided it wasnt for good.. so we shud part our ways.. n wen he decided to move on.. I came all this long to get him.. wat m I upto.. just a chase outside or within.. I just love to run away.. or run after.. wat m I actually running from... shud I for once know...
I hav become a living adjustment.. why? coz m just a comfort lover.. I dont want to take chances.. or risks.. I just wanna keep it safe..
he tells me.. m on my way to make even a few good things worse for myself.. afraid that they might not go well... wat m I looking for... its not the distrust in neone.. I dont hav faith in myself... I dont even trust me..
n now I know I really do need him .. till my last breath... but then watever happens.. happens for the good.. he's gonna b happy.. n that's wat hav always claimed I wanted... I'm gonna miss u.. n miss myself always...

Monday, September 15, 2008

too short!!!

I have never thought bout a prince charming who'd come by n take me alongwith..
no, coz of many reasons.. one just being I kno m not even supposed to dream sumthing of the sort.. coz finally I cant go along..
n so came u..
I still havent said nething to you.. nething that u can rely upon or that'll let u expect sumthing of me. I havnt yet said nething to myself.. but I must tell u.. that hav thought bout it.. wen m awake.. m asleep.. or m laughing.. there's always one thing.. m wondering bout.. n constantly..
m not saying never before a guy came to my life.. did of course.. for whom I dreamt to be with.. but not one with whom I'd b so worried I wont b able to..
coz that's wat I cant.. I cant..
m one of those who cant smile n cherish the moments coz m aware of the end of it all.
end that might not have occurred to u as yet.. but I live with it... the moment I give my hand towards you.. the reality strikes.. n for all these years wen I was always strong enuf to save neone of this pain.. n brush them off.. away.. I m sorry I ended up doing this to u.. all I had to do was.. tell u "No"... n m gonna regret it...
m just not supposed to think nething.. u'd laugh it off.. or u'd get angry... u might just stop talking to me...but how may I tell u.. that am just sorry for myself...
there cud hav been none ever like me.. n I so wish *(if my wishes are even considered) there's none ever..
I wont b able to give u.. nething.. nething.. not even me...
coz I cant...
n today wen I'll meet you m gonna let u know.. directly.. watever it might take off me... have made enuf fool of u.. I know u deserve the best...

"Hey !!"
okk I saw you... maybe this is the last time.. m seeing you.. n u look happy.. u know wat... I'd never tell u this.. hav never told neone ... I also want to show u how happy I am.. but I wont.. I'll like always say stop acting like this... n I'll fight u away... n u'll feel m not bothered.. n I'll win.. how many times hav won this game before...m not even moving.. I'll let u come over to me..
just to make sure u understand wat m gonna say.. "you are not the one m looking for... n moreover I never made ne promises.. I never said m looking forward to a life with you.. we dont match up..." n if this wont convince u.. m sure to find better reasons.. n whether or not u r convinced I'll leave..leave u without even turning back..
I'd shout a few times too, just to make sure.. u see how irritated I am..
u'll b broken.. n hurt.. u'll even cry.. but then u'll start all over again...
n I'll never come again... never .. trust me... or better not.. never...

take ur time today.. plzz dont u run over.. plzz.. I hav to keep my tears afar ..
n for the last time may I tell you... sumthing hav never even thought bout just coz I know this wont lead newhere.. you were all that mattered.. I know what u've been all this while... even a disconnected call meant I care.. n ....

ohh hell!! something happened.. I .. can still see you.. running over to me...
but think m not gonna make it till then... I wanna tell u am the happiest person today.. I wouldnt hav lived with u.. n m not gonna live nemore.. n m not gonna tell u nething... I have the best gift today.. but there are many here .. blood all over.. what is this... this is the kid I was playing with..
he's crying... n bleeding.. plzz dont come to me.. pick him up.. he needs u... n there are ppl lying all over.. panic stricken.. u'll b wondering why I dont feel this pain.. n have a smile on my face...
maybe I got wat I deserved.. n all I want is u to hold this hand once.. m happy u r ok... this was the blast not awaited..
but this was the moment I was waiting for...
its my life... I wonder wen m I gonna b asked...who is it?
m lying dead here.. find me a guy u think is the best for me...
coz the best one hav already lost... looking for the perfect one..
matches arent made in heaven at all...
I was here to tell you.. we are not matched up at all..
n now m here to tell you.. you were the one if I cud I'd hold on..

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Is there anything for Me???

"hey psycho!! where are you?? am unable to contact you... hey how long has it been that you talked to her.. I think you should give her a call.. 9 9 8 6 7 . . ... ..." erupted my A Mac (my answering machine..) .

Me: "think we should go out for dinner tonight..."
Her : "well okk I'll call him also.. his mood isnt dat good.. u know.. dinner wud be a good idea.. so wat time " she replied.
Me: " 8 wud b fine!! I'll be there to",
Her : " I'll inform him.. I'llll come with him only . see you there!!".

n like always this wud b a dinner to lighten sumone's mood... not that I hav problems . he's more a friend of mine than her. but why I just cudnt understand it could b just the two of us for once maybe.

Me: "hey how bout this one? "
Her: "its good...."
Me: "okk n this one.. I think the checks look good .."
Her: " .. how could he do this to her .. how could anyone do " she repeated..,
Me: " hey whats up .. u r ok!! is sumthing wrong " I shouted the third time.
Her: "ya.. actually no...u know I talked to Priya in the eve , my friend..I mentioned the other day.. "
Me: " ya .. so wat bout her... she's fine?" is all I needed to say before..
Her: " she was in tears.. poor girl.. this guy.. they were seeing each other since college days and he just broke up with her.. I never liked him ever .. but she was a fool .. to trust him blindly.. he just messaged her n it was over.. over just like dat. I mean wat now, what bout her.. she's crying.. n alone there I cant even be with her.. she's so... "

2 hrs.. n it would hav continued for more had she not got thirsty n needed a few drops of water .. I dropped the idea of shopping.. for then.. or maybe forever.. even the shopkeeper had tears in his eyes.. though I wonder the reason behind them.

Me: "where are you? " ,
Her: , ".... ya I think the blue one looks better.. ", came the answer.
Me: " how do u know m wearing my fav blue shirt today " ,almost surprised.
Her: " what?? wait a sec, try this one also.." ,
Me: what?? " hey what are u upto.. ",
Her: " i'll call u back. we are here in the mall... shopping for him.. he's leaving today in the e.",
Me: " but..." .

ya why not. has to b busy shopping. afterall he's leaving today... one less for relief.. she's too busy always.. his call.. her boyfriend.. his exam .. her paper.. his health.. his headache,, his girl.. her guy... heck... I just want a minute for me. n why do these ppl dont get to doing things by themselves. she's not his girlfriend... she's not... she's .. then why do I..

Me: "what plans for the eve? " (let's see...)
Her: " what plans?? you hav got to study, its ur exam in a week.. come on.. u shud better.. "
(what does she think of herself ...)
Me: " u know wat u shud better keep ur mouth shut.. who do u think u are... I know what I shud do.. u think m no good.. I cannot clear that paper... right? that's wat u think madame' u think u r too intelligent for me. well.. stop it now.. stop pretending.. miss goody two shoes.. dont u get tired. u know wat u cannot be the saviour for all.. n solve everyone's problems.. they call you two faced at ur back.. dont u know dat... or u dont care.. or ur so called friends dint tell u this one bit of necessary for u info... ohhhooo poor girl. m just fed up... he has to go to hospital.. she has to go shopping... she needs me.. he needs company... we need to cheer him up... ohh hell... will u stop it for once... ever in 24 hrs of the day.. do you think bout me.. ??? "
Her: " I ... u know... am sorry.. I thought atleast you.. newaz m sorry I actually am.. all the best ",
Me: " yaaa okkk... watever "...

wat did I do..I just cannot be without talking to her.. n she's actually not that bad.. she isnt bad.. she's just concerned... she's always been bout me ... ohh wat did I do... this big mouth I should hav given one thought.. I really hurt her.. her eyes they had so many unasked questions... like .. ohh no... how m I gonna call her back... usually wenever we fight she calls back.. n all's fine.. u know its like she's never hurt... I even called her heartless few times.. but she's just.. she'll still be there for you.. n sumwhere I knew the answer to my ques. she was never needed to say it.. n maybe this is what she always was telling me.. that I can see it in her eyes... n if I cant.. she is never gonna say it.. but ... m human.. I need to hear it.. neone would.. she cares.. she shows not.. but she does wat noone would do.... she is hurt.. she speaks not.. but she keeps on smiling.. n watever,.. m not gonna call her... let her be... m really angry this time... but she's hurt...

Her: " hey , just called to say All the best!!.. I hav got to leave.. "
Me: " okk why are u even telling me.. as if I care.. go on.. go shopping.. who needs ur company now... "
(she thinks she's smart.. but m happy she called... was just afraid.. its been two days... n I cud never .. I was angry.. no actually more than that.. I was wrong.)
Her: " m leaving, for home.. have to.. actually ",
Me: (what now?? )" whatttt?? why??? now where did dis come up from... " ( this is not done...)
Her: " its important.. n then u know afterall its them I was here.. "
Me: (heck !! ) " ya!! why m I asking... of course mam...who knows better than me .. ur life is for them.. ur decisions for them.. ur time for all of them.. ur smile for him. ur tears for her. Is there anything.. anything at all for Me?? " ..
Her: " You.. "
Me: (this is just.. ) "of course how can I forget..millions of disconnected calls , thousands of those unsent SMSes, humdreds n hundreds of reasons.. go to hell!! do watever u have to.. plzzz..dont tell me.."
I hung up.
my A Mach was still beeping...

call 'her' after how many?... three years.. he's kidding .

hell why would I.. hav got better things to do.. m too tired .. this conference.. gotta sleep ...
what time is it... 2:00 in the morn... haaa... she can still bother me.. why did he even have to mention her .. like after all these years.. I am not gonna call her..
what was the number?? 9 9 8 6..what.. okk its ringing .. not answering?? no wonder.. must b busy with sumone's problem... its 2:00 am .. plzz b a little considerate dumbo.. n dont use her lingo.. okk I'll try one more time... 9 9 8... busy!!! why m I even bothered.. go to wherever..

Him: " hey.. where have you been.. outta reach all these days.. I tried so many times.. " ..
Me: "had this conference.. off to Liverpool.. i got ur message, but why did u mention.. " ...
Him: " look am already halfway.. its near to ur place, u wont take long... if u leave now.. it'll b just 15 me there.. "
Me: " hey who.." (... cremation ground.. ??? why was he talking like that.. he has never ever .. was he crying.. possibly not.. he never .. but hav to meet him... )

where is he now?? okk gotcha!! hope .. hope wat?? I dont even know wats...
Me: " hey.. its okk.. it'll be fine.. wh.. ", n he started
Him: " I wish , it could have been... she's been so strong.. she's always been.. u know how.. she used to.. I'm gonna miss her .. I really m gonna... I tried to contact u.. but.. guess she could not wait any longer "
(he was crying.. I could not believe my eyes.. )
Me: " m sorry.. I should have been here.. "
Him: " ya.. u shud.. this is for you "

?????? he put a neatly folded paper in my hand... he can say it.. he neednt " what is this ??? " he was talking to sumone.. sumone I know too.. hey I know a lot of ppl here or do I... n I unfolded it..
Hey, I dont know where to start from..
I know u did well in ur exam.. I always knew u would .. :)
I just wanted to give u your answer..
I know I never say nething...
but if not now.. I wont ever get to..
the last time we talked u asked me, if there was anything...
maybe I never had the time as u wanted,
maybe I never had the right words, or never the right occassion..
all I had for u was "Me" , well nothing that could be counted..
n maybe I could never understand you.
It was good for you to move on. I was no good.
n m happy today as you are happy in your life.
n u know I was talking to him today.. he's got his girl finally he's happy..
he always talks bout u...
m really happy for him.. hav u met the girl.. u must have.. she's beautiful..
I started again.. like always.
by the time u read this I dont think i'd even be able to say sorry by myself.
take care, all the best.
n ya I missed you.

hell, what is this.. ? what m I missing here ??

Me: " hey who gave you this.. ? "
Him: " you know.. I gave you her number, she's been hospitalized.. ten days.. she never let me talk to u bout her.. n yesterday she gave me this.. well.. u know I was there till late.. n she was all smiles wen I left. she was cheering me up.. I just wonder.. I .. n at 2:00 am in the night.. she!! ohhh her face still "
(aaah... m .. but .. u ... ohh u stupid girl... I was.. I knew ..always.. I just..)
" wait where are u going.. they have.."

.. where.. no.. I want to see her.. she cannot.. I know her.. she's a strong girl.....
I.. stop.. wait for me... she cant.. u cannot do this to me...