Sunday, December 13, 2009

And the fear!!


I was taken aback when out of a sudden on a bad hair day,a bad mood day, came from you my dear friend, with a trembling voice, and a shaking hand, that you see me as your girl. I thought you were trying to cheer me up, n have a little cute fun. But I looked into your eyes for a quarter of a second or even less, n I knew I was at fault. We left for the day then, when next day You werent' looking at me, n i shouted your name out loud, thinking we were friends,n we'd always be.

That's not how things go, I held your hand or you held mine, it was a bond I'd die if broken. You were the one who'd be embarassed by me in public but still would fight to be the only one to be seen with me in public or otherwise. I could see you suffering a lot, but I tried to be fair to you n to me n to us but then of course it was getting tough day be day, there were others I was accomodating. I let things be, and were we moving apart, away, far, maybe we were but for good. We had a string still intact. We did get our chance, to be what we were good at, being there for the other, just when needed, just when looked for, just when felt.

On that hilltop with my forzen hands, were you, you were the one warming them, in your pockets, You were the one scolding me for an unfinished meal or a banana shared, You were the one walking besides, chasing, me, accompanying me, my footsteps you could measure n see from whereever you fall behind. On that rock in the river where you sat, gloomy, I saw me at fault again, n it set me thinking, I was enjoying my days of freedom of being me, of being with you n of us together.Till that night when in the moonlight I sat thinking, If I am gonna lose you only at the cost of being a friend, It was my dream, I realize today, sitting by a lake with the stars in sight. You sat with me, n then I saw you leaving, a scare that I felt left a chill. Next morning when I was busy being me, not proving nay bit of me, to any being on earth, You pulled me and out of the fear I muttered, Two years, can you give me two years of my own life . Can I just save my answer till then. And You knew not, the context, you were the friend today I waited for all this while. You nodded your head, and wondered why that long. I am sure to have given you an unsatisfactory answer, which you'd surely have accepted knowing me. But it was the time, I was banking on. I thought two years either I'd start to see you the way you so wish, or We'd grow up to be teh best of friends they have ever seen or so i wished. That was teh day I lost my friends forever never to go back. A moment of fear and a life to follow on , walk on ,move on without you.

I was a friend when you first fought with me, when you never took that chair besides me in the mess, when you decided to give me the most awaited company on the dinner table, when you cracked all your jokes on me, when you'd compete with me on the TT table, when You took on your bike for the first time, when you wanted to go for a walk , when you talked bout your girl, when you had tears in your eyes on the bank of a fast flowing river, n in the cold night I put my hands across your shoulders, n tried to hold you tight, cheer you up, you gave a good reason for a moist eye, but wasnt I reading beneath those lines.

I never got to tell you, that a girl would thank her stars for finding you, I had thanked them enuf for having given you to me, You were mine, n I owned you. I have found you hot in your black shorts, n I have wished you to be my guy, but more than nything else I have loved to be your friend, ride on your bike n fly, my bike it has been or so I have thought it to be.

Being friends is not my cup of tea, I failed to keep up, n wen I look back it was just the fear that I had felt, fear of losing you, that made me lose you.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

back home... ;)


okk bag on my lap or on the seat.. on the lap maybe if someone would come n sit, but then what if just anybody would come n sit alongside, ok on the lap dats it, book out "If God was a Banker!". Specs.. hmmm no let it be.. ohh n the bus starts finally, n its a nice perfume , guy sitting right next. Perrrfect.. the bus leaves my work city these days. Am deep into my book, a little bored, looking out of the window would be better, am tired too n sleepy.. gosh , I'd rather close my eyes n take a quick nap. bus rides make me sleepy always.The other occupant of the seat keeping a good distance, me ok. His ear phones are a two way music system, n on a stoppage, even I can tap my fingers on my fav songs. N a sudden jerk makes me awake, n thus within the first half an hour I realize I am to stay wide awake. Book opened, n me into it, but can I feel a pair of those eyes peeping into my pages. I just move a little away but then on the window seat you can only go as far as the window is. midway almost naah 2 hours n the bus comes to a full stop, am usual in no mood of getting down, alone no way, would just get a little change in position, my back's stuck. " Excuse me, the bag, will you take care".. A smile follows, Did i for the first time glanced at the face of my co occupant for the trip or not excatly, not dat I can even think of recognizing if sumone else comes n occupies his seat. The book though lost my interest for sumtime, like all other books, when I just feel like skipping to the last page n reading what I am waiting for, am a little rather a lot impatient. " would you like to have? " .. No thanks, a packet of chips and a cold drink, " Would you like to??? " No thank you, thanks a lot.. a few smses and the book continues, And its just when i hear my co occupant cough I feel myself coughing tooo, sumone's smoking.. n that makes two of these very unacquainted ppl have smthing in common, We cant bear the cigarette smoke. not at all.. n having said dat With a covered cold nose the window gives me the company. Do I feel the distance the safe one diminishing, but more than that my heavy pullover (in a fear of it being very cold) is making me uncomfortable, if i could just take it off, but me, I just cannot think of even changing my fixed posture, A painter would appreciate , not even a millimetre of change. Its getting interesting, n am too eager with the sun disappearing faster now, I want to read the end, n aah finally, even this book had a moment wherein the moist eyes it lend to these very dry ones. Closed! I looik outside, A vibration on my cell tells me its Dad, Guess Am bout to reach soon, " Its SBOP Murthal, " .." Another half an hour you'd take..", I so wish.. " Will get down at the bypass.. See you then".. The window now and the signboard that tells me 44kms." Delhi..???" .. A nod of my head to this guy sitting right next, makes me feel as if even he's heading there, well almost of course since that's all that's left to come now.. after around ten minutes , " ISBT... ?? " Well no I'll be getting down at the bypass... n who ever said I was this cunning ugly girl, said it again "You are going to Del too.." .. " Gurgaon.." .. i nod n look outside, but if I may give clarifications, I'd rather not, " so You are studying..." Naay Job, n do I need mention whenever sumone asks me am studying, I get a little comfortable with the wrinkles Apperaing fast on this face. " In dElhi..???" No the city we are coming from... " Where.??" Now That I recall it appears that these monosyllabic questions slowly made me tell a lot, which branch , where am I staying,since when, till when , what next, .. " i was looking for long, Sumoen was busy reading teh book, welll engrossed, I'd get a headache in just 2 pages... " ohh I dint even see how may pages it has... " 260!" comes a prompt one,.okkkk..he knowsss.. n I can just smile on this.. well How do girls react to this.. " So if you need sumthing you can always contact me , anytime, " .. ya of course thanks, " you can take my contact number... " aahaaaa ha I'd come to your office.. ha ha ha When will I reach! " The window, n " What's your cell no. " 6300 would be a good answer.. I dont know what do you say now... " okk it is 9 9 ........." :( was sumone trying to be too smart n ended up being the stupidest of all, gave him my no. great. n bang just 20 seconds n here comes the bypass. " Please anything, anytime, anyhelp, .." Thanks a lottt!!
just to mention he talked well, he was tall, n smart, overalll, its good to come back home, ;)

:)


Saturday, November 28, 2009

is it actually changing!


life's changing.. as in ya a little change of place may not be the reason for that, but sure a little change of faith maybe. falling in love or out of it, might be simpler for me, than settling in a place n moving out of it, it takes time. for some days now, am walking on the road of an unknown city, not looking sideways, just in front straight. in search of the destination am walking to, but nuthing much or rather nuthing much interesting has caught my eye yet. with a new person to share my room with, n listening to her midnite whispery chat with her guy, or friend. my idea of owning a business one day is sheepishly moving out into the sand, ready to hide away, 'white tiger' is one book have read, though not impressive at all, it did teach me, what not to have in my book, soon gonna see the light of the day, though I dint know until I wrote this sentence, but now dat I have, am sure sumthing's on its way. hav got my nxt posting details too, so am away from delhi for next 6 months for sure.. n after dat also whereever they take, hav got wheels on my feet it seems, no wonder its gona b tough to catch on with me, was this that i've always wanted, am i unknowingly, n supposedely unwillingly availing what I hav been wanting, just moving on, not staying at a palce for long, leaving the place longing for more, more of me. tonight am not gonna dream, hav a lot of them still, dat need to be realized, i hav to work on them. this one's just an insight into the blogger's thoughts, though its one place even the blogger's waiting for its turn to get in, as usual i had thought of sumthing else, ended up with sumthin entirely different, now clueless, this is how i mess things up, untangling, or trying to my so very messed up life. Am otherwise a clear headed person or so I think, I think its just one long string am so hung on, and all I have to do is open my palm.
Your Week Ahead: 'Even if you've got poor eyesight, you can still help to guide a blind person.' You may not have all the answers you now need, but you have enough. The trouble is, recent events have shaken your confidence. You can remember mistakes that got made, problems that got stirred up and worries that kept on getting worse. So you don't feel like taking charge of any situation. You'd rather let someone else have that responsibility while you just go along with whatever seems easiest. But like it or not, you're the person best qualified to make a decision now... and your choices are likely to work out best for everyone.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Tonight, I'd Dream..




That was the first time he touched me. I dint know how it felt then until one day when he came near n whispered into my ears, "It wont work this way". "Maybe m not the right guy for you". I woke up from my dream that day. n It felt great the first time he touched me, I can tell you today. Seven months have passed I haven't even heard his voice but today once again I woke up. With the same mirror where have been looking at myself wondering, what is it that made him leave. A dark circle that appeared a month after he left, or a black mole on the right side of my lower lip, that he loved. The eyes that still reflect his face, or the neck he used to brush with the back of his hand.8 and I leave for work, there on my desk something seems missing, Have never felt this way before.After an hour long meeting when i came back to my desk, having completely forgotten the missing thing, I felt my phone wibrating, Unknown no. must be Airtel service call. "It's me.. Can we meet, rite now" A few seconds lost, my forehead all wet, in a 16 degrees temperature, so, Is he back. I wrapped up my desk, with no thoughts, and my ID hanging round my neck, I combed my hair, and the face I cleaned , Why am I not wearing a better dress today. What if he changed his mind again. I can not let it all ruin. But no choice, will I be able to recognize him, his hair, might be different, and i know he'll be wearing one of his 100 t-shirts , with his fav blue denim , we spent hours selecting, and then how on seeing the price tag, I asked him to put it away and go for a cheaper one, I still remember the look he gave me, I still remember, the eyes, deep brown with a tinge of gold, very different, and rare. The mark on his chin, which he's been sporting since third standard, fighting for a girl with his friends, his chain with his initials embossed. We'll be ordering his fav Iced eskimo, even though hav been asked to stay away from ice, i dont care.
Is he the one , The shoulders are the same size, its his fav colour too, That's how he bends forward on the table, Its gotta be him. "Hi, I am glad you are here, I thought you wont, but u are still as punctual, And the pink how can I forget, that's the only colour you have ever wanted to be seen in." Moist eyes I was controlling, he has to be the one for me, noone else, he's the only one who knows me so well. " You know Its been sometime, but I realized I cannot forget you, the way you have been there always, whenever I needed a support, firm in you , I could find, And the innocence with which you hav always won this heart. Its tough to forget , you have jsut become a part." Whoever said your love comes back to you was... " I thought over it, and then I decided to meet you, to ask you once to let me be free. Stop worrying bout me. I have found my girl, and she's perfect for me. She's the only one who's ever understood me.." Holding these tears right where they were, I posed the best smile of my entire life, this is the day I kept it safe for. I told him how happy I was, and I left. No touch has ever been felt, Nights spent praying for those hands, in those arms when I slept, His finger on my back, and his scent is so hard to melt, I have been washing this frame now for hours awake. Warm breath in this ear, I can not shut them off, it comes back again n again, his long fingers entangled into mine all through the night, just a wet pillow left, with a wooden heart.
On that desk I missed me forever after then.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Vanity Unclaimed!


What with long tresses all flowing like the river into the sea, I'd stroll the deserted night lanes of the city. Bring on my favourite white gown with strings in blue and a flowery scarf. Not one living being on this Earth compares to the radiance in me, I am the dream that in the night they breathe. The wind changes direction to make way for me, and that's when the heads turn to see, unbelieving its me. The knights battle, the kings fight , with Kingdoms at stake, its only me. Sun rises every day a little early to catch a sight, the moon is the loyal one hangs around when am on my own on this lonely road. In this heart though I dream like the one who sleeps dreaming to be me. Of a heart that looks beyond, and I wonder if on this path I'd find one looking out. A window open or a door welcomming. They all walk away, rather run n stay away coz am the beauty they'd be in awe of, but not be with.
Cassiopeia was the wife of Cepheus, the Ethiopian king of Joppa (now known as Jaffa, in Israel), and the mother of Andromeda. The queen was both beautiful and vain, and the story of how her vanity caused great distress is told in relation to the constellation Andromeda.
After promising her daughter in marriage to Perseus, Cassiopeia had second thoughts. She convinced one of Poseidon's sons, Agenor, to disrupt the ceremony by claiming Andromeda for himself. Agenor arrived with an entire army, and a fierce struggle ensued.
In the battle Cassiopeia is said to have cried "Perseus must die". At any rate it was Perseus who was victorious, with the help of the Gorgon's head.
Perseus had recently slain Medusa, the Gorgon, and had put its head in a bed of coral. He retrieved the head and waved it in midst of the warring wedding party, instantly turning them all to stone. In the group was both Cepheus and Cassiopeia.
A contrite Poseidon put both father and mother in the heavens. But because of Cassiopeia's vanity, he placed her in a chair which revolves around the Pole Star, so half the time she's obliged to sit upside down.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Tonight, I'd dream..

Happy Birthday...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Tonight, I'd Dream...


Strong hands softly put on these eyes, shutting them off from this world, Goosebumps, yes I can still get them, in the cold weather, before an interview, n with the warmth of his touch. He took me out in the snow, where for the first time in 2 years he came close, N his breath I could breathe. A blow on the cheek, a slight whisper in the ear. Meant to be his n only his, or were not those eyes, I had seen in the dark of the night, the only one had ever fallen into. When seeing my shadow disappear, I hurried to get to my end, alone I paced, when caught midway, from falling along the path halfway, by his caring sight. No words spoken, was I accompanied to the doorstep and from there his eyes have never left.Or the one whose laughter had broken my silence in a new place, with unfamiliar grace, strolling down the hallway, I saw him coming, with a glitter on his face, that asked me to smile, n laugh along this road to the unseen, unknown.He was the one I had controlled tears laughing with, felt a shimmer when by a stroke of chance the back of his hand was where a tear dropped and a string it brought alongwith. Or to whom, In the middle of a night with sudden burst of a deep hidden sorrow I woke up, shaken to call someone, but the one, whom I thought is the only one I could hold on. A voice, that scared the fear I got struck with, in the most serene manner, did he play his mind games with me. Calmed me down to sleep, and dare dream again, one more time did he plead, sitting on the bedside whole night. Or with whom The colorful balloons I had flew with, embarassed when all left me, and from a far corner he located me, when all the acquantainces sought to flee, he and me with seven different colors each, ran to the horizon to find our own tree.
And If I could to blend it all together, Tonight.. I'd dream of Jeannie!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Awakening of the day!


"All men believe Women are dumb.. All women wish Men were not."

Monday, October 5, 2009

Tonight, I'd Dream...


The moon's a quarter now, and the stars have got their twinkle still, smiling n winking at each other. The night is still, and the river flowing full swing. This is perhaps not gonna be the night when my prince would cross that bridge or the firemouth will cool down any bit. I'll let the breeze blow on this face and fall asleep. I turned back to see a bright smile on a handsome face, am not dreaming am I. How did you manage to slip by , my dragon's waiting with its mouth dry, words came out, surprised. He said "I was bound to come tonight," Ohh my eyes are alraedy wet, is he the one I was waiting for all this while, Of course somone who'll do it for me.I asked him, but how are we gonna leave this castle, its tough to fight the old dragon, hungry ever since , I opened my eyes here. He said we are not going anywhere, why fight the poor dragon, all alone protecting you from a world so wild. What is that supposed to be? Are you not here to take me along with you. Look my dear he said, I was listening more seriously now. Its not a nice place outside, and here we can be together, you forever mine, he explained. I have been waiting for 24 years for you or someone to come and take me out of this place. What are we going to do here away from all, dont you have someone waiting for you out there, a family, friends somebody. My dear lady, he started blurting, there is someone , someone very special , we are in love, and she's very pretty.A princess , and am just a poor guy. Whats happening, Why I asked him, did he then come to rescue me. I am not here to rescue you, I've heard there's a treasure hidden here, he added. He continued, I decided I'll do it for her, and get the treasure, I have heard the stories bout a beautiful princess waiting in here, n I thought maybe you can help me figure out the treasure. With wet eyes I turned back to the window sill, is this the nightmare for which have been going to sleep every night. He put his hand on my right shoulder and turned me towards him. There on his knees, I could see love n desire n passion and a fear to lose wat you care for the most. I led him to the treasure and the dragon I soothed with a brush on its back. Together we are menat to be , me and my dragon.
A prince charming I am not awaiting any long for, who knows maybe the princesses out there are worth dying for, n m just an average girl behind the castle bars.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Tonite I'd Dream..


I'll be going to meet a long lost friend, with complaints that am too stubborn, not bothered, became indifferent, during the last few months of my college. I know, like always he'll comment on me being the busy one, and the one who decides always, he just gets to follow. But the point is he doesnt want to decide now.So, am gonna take him for a coffee at Nesci one of our fav places, or the only place in the campus. He starts usual way talking bout nothing, ohhkk. He'll ask me, so what happened, whats special today. I'll get irritated but I'll let it pass. Have to talk to him bout things in his life. Have always done that. For hours without getting tired. And ya before we go to Nesci, since its sunday and after long have gotten one when am free, so we'll be going to the church, with my bag at my back, empty with just my wallet and the glass case, making an unusual now obvious sound. I'l again sing my fav prayer. Not that i pray now.. newaz after that we'll be on our way back he'll be cracking his usual buffalo jokes on me. We do get a place under one of those red n black umbrellas n with my feet up I'll be the one sitting like a carefree guy, he'll be the sober one. It'll take me about an hour of my nonsense talk to get him to talk bout whats been bothering him. Though he'll hide a lot, but watever he'll come up with , I'll be content coz He'll be that much better or more still.. We'll talk the night away, sitting under the moonlitsky, Me watching the stars, He watching the grass, wondering what is he doing sitting on the ground at this odd hour. I'll turn then to him n tell him he's been a great dance partner, the best, n the only one have ever had. I put my hand right to him, and ask him for another dance. He'll have his sweet childlike surprise look in his eyes, still wondering, he'll oblige this earthy being with his ohh so precious hand. The muzic that'll be playing in the background would be, "jaane tu ya jaane naa..." I'll be smiling trying to show I dint realize how have got two left feet, n for his ears maybe we'll have one of his fav numbers.
He's too shy at times, I'll just walk with him to the gate, where with the first ray of the morning new, we'll bid each other adieu!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Tonight, I'd dream...


Am gonna go meet the guy i dont really know much about. except that he comes from a forbidden land, n he can hold me tight in his arms, very tight. I wanna be held once, no not exactly, I'll be getting there red roses on my way, when his train reaches the station, I'll ask him to wait, since we dont talk much, I'll be calling him a few times till he finally answers it. And in his usual, casual manner, which actually ruins, kills rather, all the passion I have in my voice. I'll be rushing to get there in time, but the train's gonna be before time, and there with all his luggage, he'll land in my city, planning for his future, n his career. I run down the stairs at Platform no. 12, I 'll see him, he might not , N at an almost vacated platform i'll reach to him, n bent down on my knees and ask him to marry me! I'll tell him, that i know its not possible, we come from different backgrounds, we are different, I like not even a single thing bout him and I've got nothing I can expect him to like. So I'd rather marry the one am supposed to.. or watever they say, n then after am left.. when there's none who'd be bothered who am I with, I'll ask him to marry me then. with a shock look in his eyes, and a smile on his face, when he'd be out of words, I'll get up and hug him, tell him, I love my Dad, I love my Mom, I love my Sis, I love him. I have never said it, coz I am damn too rational to do that, Am too sensible, too ME. I love him with all my heart, I have loved every person have ever let talk to me with all that I have.He's no different except that he's himself.
I'd rather do it with white lilies, afterall am the one dreaming, I'll tell him I like white lilies, but its been ages have seen any.. But I know I love them I just know.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

another incomplete draft.. am sorry.. kindly skip!

my dear youth of india,

am not one of those whom you'd notice walking on the road , or in that suffocating metro, or that blueline where every eye can measure your parts and infact give you a free accupuncture massage.
there's just a bit of you in me n a smaller part of me in you, coz we call ourselves the gen zee. we are the ones who'd fight with that old man, coz he belongs to a generation who understands us not. your girl, might be the hottest of the lot, but your friends' is still the one to die for.

.....

too weak !

a long day it was,
an year long..
its just today i opened my eyes,
n the doc. said,
its just a week she's got,
what my Dad heard wasnt clear though,
he stopped talking to me instantly,
why I ask.. no replies ..
maybe he thought am already gone,
i was supposed to react,
but then I had other plans,
my last day was different than how it came,
i saw it yesterday,
n day before,.. or since the day I was born..
but then do u call it luck , a week I got..
one whole week..

he'd called me up to meet once,
i left home early that day ,
telling mom , its an exam..
n there he stood , months passed
i saw him through.. same as was..
steps we were taking towards the other,
like ages we were crossing,
n when he held me..in his arms,
I wasnt happy,i broke..
I told him am not here,
am still there at that point where i lied..
n why i asked do i ever need to lie..
its you.. only you i cum to meet so far...

m sure i got bored and now i dont think i can complete it.. i make no sense as usual

Sunday, May 31, 2009

the day..


he walked down the road,
in a usual hurry he scrolled,
the newspaper left his hands
in the back seat of his new merc it land,
sumthing was flowing in the wind today,
it was the same old day, the sun was ok..
what was it that changed,
his hands on gear , one up n it roared,
meeting up in half an hour more
the tune on the radio was not unheard,it struck,
why was he not, looking at the road,
his mind slipping sight,
the board room is where he rushed.
not even a single word, did he listen
where was it all coming from ,
a voice in the trail,
a tune, not much frail,
out that room he went,
to his lone place his own corner,
flipping over his diary, he dint realize,
when he closed his eyes,
the day she left him,
for her trip to the heavenly abode,
just came back, and still he found his hands
his eyes rolled , back n forth on that nightmare
he remembers that day when she took that last breath..
clear , with each passing second,
with each breath lost,
with every minute of an unsaid prayer,
with a beat he could not count,
with his hands entangled in her fingers,
her hand slipping out of time
his eyes with dreams and life, hers just losing on
his hold getting stronger , all she held was a sight
his lips looking for words to fill,
her words filling that hospital room,
his wishes he could hear,
her last one, he wasnt willing to give a ear..

hands over his face, moist eyes he opened
sweat engulfed his brows,
he felt her again , in the middle of the day,
why , what was missing
he remembers her last rites, her last word,
that final day,
n he flipped the pages of the calendar
he ran out of the room ,
to the burial place,
n there he cried ,
how he forgot the only day
she wanted him to remember her on,
thankful that they could meet each other
that they could be together,
that they could live those moments,
that she ever lived,
n all this while mourning the day she left,
lost sumwhere, the day she came..

n he wished her on her birthday.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The terrace and the clock tower!




Years passed, both of us have spent minutes, hours and days standing on that terrace, staring the moon. This was going to be the longest moment we have spent here. You were coming for long now. I was getting ready since morning hours. Never before have I asked that mirror on the wall, if am the one it has been letting in for decades now. It struck midnight. I rushed to the spot of your arrival. Like always I was the one reaching early.

Never mind the wait today, I have been waiting. One look at the clock tower, and I could hear your voice, from my behind. I dint turn just to see you in time. The minutes hand was moving very slowly, how both of us have constantly kept an eye on it, just to see it move. You tell me, its gonna be dawn soon and the sun will rise, your moon will disappear and will never arise. It made me scared, the thought of not seeing the moon again, made me shiver. My moist eyes when I hide, from you to the other side, you seem to realize. The next thing that ever came out of your mind, its your moon, its my sun’s guiding light. If there’s a tomorrow, the sun will arrive, and the moon will follow close behind, you tell me every night. I close my eyes and I hear the clock strike 3 in the night.

Did I see you and you left with the moon or you dint appear, and it’s still fine. I heard the footsteps and the tower I turned back again to. You stood still. I could feel you. Have we been there together before, I have a feeling, a stranger standing on the terrace tonight. Not even taking those last steps that take you to my shadow falling beside. You have been away for a while, and the moon you took along too. Maybe you are a little shy, maybe you’ve changed too. But am still gazing at the sky, today a moonless night. Dint you bring the moon, you once said is the one who guides.

I want to turn around, to see your face after such a long time. Call my name so that I have a reason to smile. Silence, is that all you came here for. This terrace we have stayed awake on. The clock strikes a four. Nothing else came out of your mind, something to follow, when again the tears I try to hide. I turn around. Are you not there?
There you hold me tight, in your arms you hideout the time n the watery eyes I close infinite, never to open again to see a moonless sky.

Friday, May 22, 2009

words..


The lack of them makes my sentences incomplete. And I thought they were meaningless in themselves, defined by a sentence. I realized otherwise, they were the one shaping my speech all along. Today without them I had nothing coming out of this very big mouth of mine.
Was it there not one thing to say, or no words to describe, or not even that. A moment of silence or two was what I needed, just to listen to something. An unheard voice, a never before seen dream, yet unrealized.There were thousands of these words always lying unused with me, n again they lie there not touched coz amidst them all am hiding the ones am afraid to spill out, or even see.If only I could just show you. But then everything else would lose its meaning, its place.You n me together in space, we meet one day just to see a few words missing in between. You wont recognize this face but the voice u'll know. Caught unawares have I been many a times, just trying to hide these away, so that you dont locate.
The bridge you see n I do not, one reason I can tell, I have turned my back. I would like to have one taking me away instead coz am far I know, but am not moving and if caught I'll be unable to run , afar. And so I keep them deep in a well, dry , and away from every eye. The words they scare me. What if the crossover they find and find you then, just to say, what am yet to see.
Am not making sentences anymore , I keep mum these days, or I dance away. You cannot hear and I dont say. There are no words that can ever go, reach you and stay.
This is how I feel am safe. Not anymore though, as the wave is high and the rain's unending, the dry well is filling up each day. Its now just a bridge am afraid you might cross one day and the well you see, floating in there would be my words, have somehow managed to keep away.
So, I walk another way, leaving no trail, not a voice even frail, making sure that I keep you safe.
Stay away, am without words anyways !

Monday, May 18, 2009

... cud not think of a title

N I saw a pic where the leader of the opposition was wiping tears of his eyes, a man over 70 yrs, gave it all up. Men dont cry, not in public atleast, in the dark of night, in the corner of that room, behind that tabledesk, with their face covered when they are assured none is watching them, they shed the mask that shields them from every eye, and they let the tears flow. I dint like the pic though. I felt bad.

But I did realize what might hav made him do so, the moment he decided he's no more the leader of the opposition, not the person who's leading the next big party, not the public man, not someone who needs to be looked up to, he wnated to be the person he is in the dark of his soul, in there. Just a normal being who gave best of his years to his passion, with regrets , with delays, with PTMs missed, with all those fears, with that feeling, with the sense of being tired, with a relief, with the idea of being his own person, his own ideal, his own belief. He's been himself in that pic. , with his disappointments, with acceptance, with no speeches to give, no tales to tell. He is an old man.

I am the part of the so called youth, or maybe I am not. I think alike or not. I did vote, but was it to make a difference, or to have that mark on my finger, the mark of pride they say, but why dint the rest approve of my choice, we are different people, different ideas, different reasons. When I saw that man cry, I felt a pinch, a chill, they are the ones, we curse, or make decisions on, we claim or discaim them but how exactly do we decide. do we really know what we are looking for, a young leaer, a strong leader, we vote on an ideology or do we ever bother to read that manifesto. Well at least I dint have any such thing in mind.

Next day of elections my friend told me with a disappointed look on her face," someone had alraedy cast my vote.." I thought I didnt get it right, hows that possible, is that possible at all. she's a rebel unlike me. And with all these campaigns of you are asleep if not voting, she got hyper and did even create a scene but to no use. They asked her to cast a proxy vote. Left unmarked from that dot of pride, she was sure her vote was not counted. For her if the govt. is not what she chose, if at all, at least she knows why. but for others how do you explain?

Well the season is over now, an unexpected but albeit a better result, one big player better than many small ones.Some new face might even take over as the leader of the opposition, we forget the hullaboo and its all gone. The leader is no more a leader, a voter no more human. Everything well taken care of.

Big boys need to cry sometimes.

Monday, April 27, 2009

restore...


a system that was refreshed everytime it was switched on.. as if every work done on it had no effect. nothing mattered. no matter how many changes u made , it was blank everytime you got back , giving you a feeling of being lost, making you find a place deep within where all these changes were stored, just as they were made, where the difference was seen n felt clearly.
but all it took was 5 minutes and the system was restored, back to the way you saw it there, in there. it was my fault, i obviously in sleep, late night net surfing and all, logged it off instead of turning it off, the usual way...

but how I wonder, would it be , if we could restore our lives back to that date , from when on you saw it falling off, tearing apart into pieces, pieces that flew by, never to be found n seen again , never again.
there was this moment back sumtime, when I knew all was under control, things would never be bad , so bad , I had never imagined, but they got , clearly slipping outta these hands, hands bleeding,. held tight , every second that passed,
watever happened after dat never left a mark, not even a sign of its occurence, a smile has lost its meaning, a tear has no stand, what really matters is that lost stance.. I want a restore, so badly, n nothing else matters. coz what mattered was left on that desktop , carelessly, logged off. how I dared to log into any other account , how I now want to get back to my own account , of deeds , done bad , or good , or felt, seen at last, coz this life now refreshed every morn when i open my eyes , is alien .
how I knew this wasnt my account, there wasnt any other place I was meant to be..
no other person meant that much . no one was more important... most important .. is on that desktop in my account... I want to log in again...

Monday, April 20, 2009

..oooh... am irritated...


"You will have a great day, mostly because you are very lucky today. The number 23 will prove to be lucky for you today."

says my horoscope today.. crap it is. its horrorscope..I had an awful day today.. a person who's so bent on proving me his secretary.. aahhh as if hav ever even tried to be sumthing more to anyone at all..how cud he even expect to behave like that in the workplace.. if at all uw ork that is...enough for aperson.. it seem sI can never reply back.. or wat else m I waiting for... I was so irritated the whole day.. trying to keep myself busy.. no lunch nothing..and then there's this person whom u'd like to shake and wake up.. if at all sum of ur words ever strike his mind.. u wonder.. u shout .. and 1000 of times repeat the same things again n again n again.. but he wont understand...can i use the word dumb.. plzzz... it seems they all are.. or if thats d case may be I am...

its a terrible place out there.. work ...I just wanna quit.. today...

wat for is it dat I work.. not money for sure.. coz when they asked me before handing over my appraisal letter.. what are your expectations.. I stupidly replied .. nothing at all.. whatever u think i deserve.. as if... not pleaure.. actually.. coz dont even remember the last time I even bothered to look up that word in the dictionary... maybe coz it keeps me alive... 24hrs.. easy to pass... nothing else am i looking for... not satisfaction .. rubbish.. words nobody knows the meaning of...

ohh i so wanna run away....

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

one day.. gosh!!

today after like three days of enjoyin my weekend.. a long weekend... when I had to wake up in the morn.. obviously the very lazy me.. was strong enuf to make me get out late of my bed..
and then I rushed.. wasnt willing to go to office.. and with no heart at all when I entered my office place.. ok.. I felt ok.. not bad.. and that's kinna good..
I was doing some work.. when sumone stood behind me.. greeting me the morning ritual.. I wasnt tooawake.. when he said we missed you... n i laughed it of saying.. nobody ever misses me.. he said.. no i really missed you..I dont talk to him much.. I dont talk to him.. just that he sits right across.. right in front of my seating place.. n is it allowed to say.. i felt good..
but just then Sir interrupted saying.. we know you miss everyone in the office... ooohhkkkk!! but he said so.. meant a lot...pa bhar ke liye effect may be...

this post wasnt meant only to capture this one moment before it slips outta my ever slippery mind..
Aly wasnt feeling good today.. she was realy unhappy.. it showed on her face.. very disappointed.. helpless.. seeing nothing work.. we've been trying a lot now.. for 4 months since she joined my team.. but none of the candidates have we been able to place.. not tat we dont understand why.. but.. u know teh act tat she's agemini.. makes me feel bad seeing her like this... :(
and this was followed by a sudden burst in the ceiling.. now what's this... a good omen or a warning...
day passed rather quick as in relative to other days... with a meeting...
meetings it appears are a necessary part of management functions.. Some of mUkherjee's issues.. and a little bit here and there..
in the evening when we left.. Aly in her so so mood opted for aaloo tikki.. and me and Sir went for Lemon soda... it was good...
its kinna fun..a lot of different ppl.. with few irritating voices am unable to bear...

Monday, April 13, 2009

if ...


if I knew wat forgiveness was..
days that pass, without even thinking of you even once.. what was it that your eyes were saying.. repeatedly telling me.. shouting at me.. you came near .. stood for few minutes and time flew.. I lived every moment of being with you..
i knew I had to leave.. my days were counted back then.. ur phone call.. I missed.. u called back.. reluctant.. I picked.. you took your time.." come meet me.." I asked why.. what for.. maybe no need I saw.. like a baby you spoke , your voice still in store.. " meet me.. come on..." there was arelief .. I wasnt willing, for long I know how I could not resist.. how it was difficult for me to refuse.. tell you "no" am not gonna come..and how i could sense that you were aware of this helplessnes.. all along you knew.. I could not say No...
and today as if you knew am not gonna come.. and tat's the only reason I came.. this time this day... today only because you wanted me to come.. not me... I wont say I felt good.. but better.. much better... on that bench.. we sat together alone, a wall I sensed.. and a comfort I felt.. like never before..
u started with your usual talk bout the town.. and then come back to see yourself.. for once I saw you trying to pull away your sight from me.. not looking straight into these eyes..you had a lot to say tat day.. a lot you never say.. just keep away... you tried.. and finaly did u say sorry... you apologized.. you said sumthing.. i dint hear.. it was sumthing else you were saying behind those words.. I could hear.. your whispers.. you were so low...your voice was hardly reaching my ears.. but you did what I wanted you to do.. for long.. not coz it was wat I wanted.. coz this was what I wanted for you...
you asked me if we can be friends.. I said we are.. but how you knew .. u knew.. maybe this was not true.. friends we never were.. u asked again.. and I repeated we are friends.. I think it was there i told you ..its time for you to leave.. you turned back.. and again asked me.. can we ever be friends.. I said what I had twice.. but what was it that you were waiting for.. u left.. disappointed.. I smiled.. but to no use..
I think I dint tell you I forgave you long back.. its just tat today you dint even look into these eyes of mine..

Sunday, April 12, 2009

what more.. ;)


outside the church I stood with doubts abound,
was this I was supposed to be doing..
walking down the aisle..
am I ready for this moment,
am not smiling..
I can still run away before the gates open..
but then how many times
n where am I gonna go..

When I was choosing this gown
with you my best friend,
how I was telling you..
how I'd met my life partner..
n How much i love him..
I told you bout the first night we'd spent together,
it was raining.. n outside the trees knew..
we were meant to be together in time..
I tell you everything and you tell me all..
a pact we've been following since..
we realized we've become friends..

I told you am seeing sumone,
n you were worried,
but the faith you have in me, never gave in,
u let it pass..
the day he went down on his knees,
you were more excited than I was,
you knew I had my doubts, as usual..
you held my hand..n told me..
comeon..have fun..enjoy your moment

then one day..I gave you a call..
n broke down.. into tears...
and you rushed to my place.. just see me faint..
n fall in the pool of my love...
that lie there flowing in red form my veins..
every drop that felt for him..
I wanted it out of me.. n away..
I saw you coming..
my eyes refused to open in this world again..

yesterday when you went down on your knees,
you shocked me..
not a pleasant surprise I'd say..
an year passed, but you know
I still walk away from celebrations,
from happiness i grow sour..
why then you want to take this good for nothing soul..
dead in its own skin, praying to fade away..
I dint knew what to say..I just turned away
coz you were the one who said what I was meant to...
n you said "I know you dont love me.. kiddo!!"
in your eyes I looked ..
just to find.. my best friend..
asking a favour for his best friend..
I held your hand.. dont ask me why
coz you know the answers I can never reply...

I have been running away for some time now..
but running away only to get to you..
and I am coming to you again,
this time though..every step I take,
I dont know if am right.. you my dear friend
have been with me all this while..
why Do I do this to you today..
am indebted, the life i have is nurtured by you...
n I dont even love you...you told me

your smile, just asks me to run over to you,
a place am safe always..
the priest asks me if I Do?
how can i tell him, am not sure..
I dont know what to do..
You just look into my eyes.. n I say "I do"..
as if the words were held by you...u knew..
"you may kiss the bride now!!".. the priest calls
a small peck on my cheek..
n you whisper .. thank you my friend...
for giving me my lifelong friend,
thank you for doing a favour to my best friend..
I hugged you tight and cried..cried a lot..
I cannot even thank you ..
how may I tell you why?

Saturday, April 4, 2009

just to see!

it engulfed me...
a fear of being..
u were there!
I thought a prank u were playing..
a hand I thought would get into mine...
a shadow that I saw..
I recognized from far..
in dim twilight..

n I turned back to see.
I following me..

Monday, March 30, 2009

awake ever since!!


and i was asleep...
when you held my hand..
n whispered those words..
words I longed to hear..
n the bedside when you sat..
u came near.. too near..
your heartbeats were mine..
mine just dissolved in time..

and i was asleep..
when you left me that night..
alone I have been ever since..
with the sleepless nights..

:)

Sunday, March 22, 2009

happy be her days!

International Women's day...
for years , since I know this day existed..
I have been religiously wishing my mother...
but sumthing happened this time..
two messages on my cell..
told me I too have grown up..
they wished me a happy international women's day...
well surprised rather shocked...,to see them.
am a woman too..
were not the Mothers and aunts, meant to be woman,
well, old I am now. I thought.. Laughed it of...jokes apart..
yesterday only I saw a lady , perform on a dance show,
while her hubby taking care of child’s examination.
A woman is a special creation, they say
Special she is, n u see a full page dedicated to her,
In the Sunday morn newspaper,
When she’s been in exile for 9 years,
Years spent in horror, n darkness of her soul,
A cage her, own people, her own Dad, created for her,
N her Mom said keep quiet,
This is your fate woman,,
A man fathering six of his daughter’s children,
N happy may u live till years to come, woman..
Naked was a woman, made to run in her village,
Coz they say, she’s the one who dared to fall in love..
Well, how many times have you tore her clothes apart..
Naked has she been.. all this while, On her way
Hear a girl cry on her birth, don’t make her smile,
Coz happy are gonna be her days..
She’s yet to see a happy woman’s day..
I leave my office in the eve,
N I hear a comment, a guy on cycle follows me,
I speed up, n there’s sumthing I wanna say, y I don’t react..
my pleasure I chose to be a woman..
Is that what it says..
You define a woman, by a creature who cooks ur meal,
Does the laundry, washes ur meal plates,
Bears your child, n then every night on that bed..
In the dark of your room, is ur dream girl..
Frustrated you feel n take it out on her..
She’s a gift you’ve got, use it n throw her…
Proud may I be.. to be one,
But the day I understood what this meant,
Its just another woman I am..
Celebrate this day, or one more..
It’s a curse she has got on…
Happy Woman’s day..
to you little born..
Now tat you have come along..
I cannot ask you to go.. run away..
This place is heaven they say..

Saturday, March 21, 2009

its scary!

scared...

if tomorrow m not there...

noone will ever know what I had to say.. not even me...
coz hav never said nething..

noone will know who I was.. not even me..
coz have never told nething..

sumhow I can see that nobody listens to wat u r not saying,
noone hears your silence...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

.. on that Hilltop!!

it was a usual trek..
I have never been to any before..
like a real trek No...
we started..it took us like 2 days of train journey
to reach our first destination..
late in the night..
we hadnt still reached
wen our train abruptly stopped
like around 4-5 kms. away..
plan...no. 1
we'll get down on the tracks and cross over to the platform
take a rickshaw..
who's gonna wait here in dark.. nowhere...
heroic me.. was the first among gals to monkey jump
from the train onto the tracks to the platform..
plan.. no. 2
seems like our train's gonna start...
with only 5 ppl having crossed till now...
we decide to go back to the train...
be heroic... just be laughed at...
jump again..
n this time it was tough..
still managed to crossover n get into the train..
another 5 minutes..
plan ... no. 3
we get to the platform...
n they all turn around to look at me...
monkeys first written all over their faces...
okkkkkey.. I jump again.. n get to the platform..
I 'll carry my own luggage...I announce... fell on deaf ears
within 5 minutes all reached the platform..
n rushed out to get a vehicle to our first destination...
best part... we see our train leaving before
we even managed to fit in that auto...
we do reach our first stop...
at one in the morning
alone when I sat at the banks of the river...
I still knew me..
just the river when I was busy looking at ..
n the star studded sky above my head...
I knew there are just 2 or 3 I know here..
rest all strangers... I was afraid..
n I dialed a number... not dat the person realized why?
but I knew where I belonged...
it was gonna be tough..
when we start again tomorrow morning...

So I got up late the next day...
n hurried up to get the breakfast...
n a bad mood did I carry along...
well this was not unusual..
when things deviate alittle from wat I think..
the moon turns down on my face side...
we get into our tata sumos...
on our way..
i just love the road trips..
sitting by the window side...
n ya..there were two of these special ppl..
both were thought of by rest as my to be bets..
but we were very good friends...
we reach a hotel...without electricity..
n now some last minute .. just mentioned
shopping to be done..
n then rush to destination 2..
the guys were welcommed by two very new faces...
n for them this is when the quest began..
for the gals.. the fun started.. for me atleast it did...
when we reached our base camp..
one look at our tents
and we know the adventure begins...
we were thereafter.. puppets
who get lives on a whistle blown...n only then..
they divide us into teams...five !
team three was where I stood..
first one in my team was a cutie.. girls thought of...
but how depressed he was to be with..
a girl who cannot cook..I smiled...
next name was not a surprise...
he was meant to be in mine...
one of the two couldnt make it..
n both of us knew.. he's got his nerves blowing hottt...
the three of us.. are so true.. to be friends...
I just loved it...touchwood..
for the rest.. I'll be referring the one in my team..
by the taller one 'T'
n the one who couldnt made it and landed up in the 5th ..
by the fairer one 'F'

I was made the captain of the day...
there were ppl in my team who
never seemed to be happy with me being there..
I know... but then did I care.. maybe i did...
there was this game we had to play..
not once did this cloth ball go straight into his hand..
there was this guy...right across..
n how the cute guy 'C', tells me.. u r useless..
u r worthless.. how I was scared of that guy standing across
but that guy just gave me a sweet msile.. telling me it's okay..
but it was not... oohh... I might be laughing..
but I was so damn clumsy all through...
my team members knew.. they've already lost it on day 1...
second game.. we tried to give our best..
but.. maybe the clumsiness that I was contributing to...
we lost.. day end..when we sat together..
my teammates.. complained..
I was a poor leader.. I defended.. but to no use..
even T seemed to be on the other side..
I was upset.. and scared of days ahead..
there was a number I dialled.. but to no use...
there among the strangers .. I felt alone...
next day I was awake before the sun rays..
I hardly slept.. reviewing the day that went by...my habit...
we were off to some place.. trekking
with our backpacks..I was excited...
and me, T n F with C together...
it was gonna be fun..
we started walking.. sumthing I love.. I love a lot..
I was walking.. without any thoughts..
F followed by me...followed by T
slowly the trek became steeper.. I kept moving..
further n farther.. away.. far.. too far..
not ahead of them all..but ahead of myself..
It was me...when I saw myself jumping
on reaching that beautiful village atop...
I might be a stranger to them all..
but how I know I met myself..
when we started back.. I was tired...
I might have hurt myself sumwhere... too
we were almost the first one's to reach back...
n ya there was this beautiful girl in F's team...
when all were jealous of this guy..
n me, T n C never lost a moment when we can tease him..
he seemed uninterested... :(
second half of the day was maybe for river crossing..
excuse me the sequence of events..
the Instructor turned to name the person who'd go first.
when I was busy making faces on how tough it is...
he called out my name..
there was this sweet girl ready to take it... come on!!
again I was the first one to go full on..
why is it me?? I am the dumb one...
I am not there to prove anything tooo...
I turned to look at T and F..for sympathy..
F got the best joke in life ..
they tell me I had my eyes closed like a 1 month old..
too scared to open.. and midway when I saw the sky..
n the river flowing beneath.. I tell you it was heaven...
I always think m not allowed there..
n so I got to see how's it gonna be...
there was nothin I had to prove to anyone there..
there were ppl who were shouting for me..
even though I never cared to talk to them...
n it meant a lot..
when I was back.. F had the second best joke of his lifetime.. that still makes him laugh...
I was happy.. my team was happy..
I wasnt dat bad...


my team..
'V' he seemed to be a born leader..
everything was always planned for him..
n the plans were fool proof...
we never talked before...
n it appeared the state of no change..
'R' okk.. this one nothing much to say...
I was impressed by his will..
very very impressed..that's it..
n ya.. he hated me! :)
'S' this guy.. one never notices..
but ya.. there's always sumthing.. u an look forward to...
n the days ahead showed it...
he I hope hated me not.. ;)
C n T not given much thought upon...
this day was for some direction full game in the morn..
the leader said.. she will tell the direction..
now I know I felt sumthing... happy
I wont mention that..
we started in full gear.. running from pillar to post..
after the first leap ..we realized we started on wrong track..
n the words.. she will tell the direction started echoing..
n to ground zero did I land with a bang...
but we were still running...
n how they hardly listened to me..
I was right... :(
newaz... running hard.. hurting myself too..we reached..
n this one needs a mention..
this guy.. I supposedly die for...
took my name.. n cheered me..
when I was too tired to even stand up...
n like a fueled engine.. of an old train.. I ran.. too fast...
too smiley.. my day u call..
we did it the fastest...
I almost hugged this strong willed guy...
oops..
n then there was this.. I forgot the name..
I hardly got it then...m waiting for T to answer in gmail..
n how i know.. he'll make it today..he cant
so I tell u I was scared..
this was impossible...
there was this big mountain rock in front of us..
20-30 or more mts...rap sailing.. he got it...doubtful still
the neck pained even looking up...
this is wat u see on discovery...
n only see....
while this really always enthu sweet girl..
turns to me and say...lets go.. we'll do it first...
who me.. well.. I'll better stay put...if I could..
teamwise was it announced..
there's still some time.. before i go up there...
not to come back again...
wish I could say Nooooo....
newaz.. F in one of his very romantic styles.. turned to say...
I want you to do it the best way...
aah... wish he was my guy... newaz...
well the process of reaching to the top..
was purposefully difficult I guess..
as coming down wasnt tat tough...
ya n before I went there... I took 'P' s sweater..
dunno how it looked.. but it was pretty cold..
n he got to be a hero... :)
okk n ya this reminds me of another 'P' this time a girl..
I do talk to them... ;)
she was with me.. or I was with her..
since I dint talk to many there...I'd like to thank her here..
n ya I did it fine... how dont ask me...
u dont just see it on discovery...finally!
F was eager to do it... now who shud tell him..
well ok.. not me but other girls was he trying to impress..
C told us later how F came back on way up..
to get hold of the pretty lady in his team..
he defended.. n we just laughed..a lot..
day end.. al of us went back to our den...
it seems the guys forgot there was a girl in our team tooo..

our base camp
was situated right amid these big high mountains...
n a beautiful river flowing downstream there...
a river I have always liked.. with rocks ..
where you can sit n just sit..
for long.. without any thought..
n you dont care.. as to who's there who's not...
there was more to enjoy... a lot left still...
but I almost always miss..
n how after every C managed to find me
a comany to the river to wash our plates..
n in exact words.. for that spoon..
till he manged to get his own..
he's more lazy than I am....
but I never mind his company whatever, however...
in dat chilled water , we still had our egos intact..
we could still find faults..
n not talk to the person.. we'd not talk to...
we are too coool...
I actually could get to my own nerves in any normal situation..
how I didnt like
F sitting on that rock with that girl in his team..
I even sang some depressing situational songs..
which T had to bear...
but that day if am not wrong F was not in a good mood.
why? well mystery I wont say, but I wont reveal..
me and T took him away .. n both of us .. liek his girlfriends..
pardon me the usage of that word...
were trying to bring a smile on his face...tough
but we managed, I did, T slipped conveniently out.. :(

when we packed our bags for the rock climbing session
away from our base camp.. we were excited
with some wierd tools handed over to us..
ohh we started wlaking.. thsi was long..
how we could just not bother to stop..
our team did try to rockkk..
we noticed .. ya everybody did.. by this time
R had developed an affection for this sweet girl in the other team..
another topic we found.. C was having real fun..
n how he also found a point of attraction,
in tat girl in F's team...n even F was enjoying..
me n T always do..
afterall its fun to live life... ;)
our leader was on a different mission..
with his marriage scheduled a couple of weeks later..
he dreamt of seeing a flatter tummy...
girls change your life.. they say it right..
n so he was always the first one in the row..
among all teams...our team was far away
from any materiaistic thing.. world had to offer..
well it appeared that way...
time to take rest.. when we reached this awesome.. location
there was more to see..
when after a break we moved further.. to the rocks all over...
after a demo session.. n it was no piece of cake...
our team with our trainer .. moved to another rock.. rock no. 7
7 .. who's lucky number is it..
n it was straight rock.. verticaly...
my team hardly remembered there was a girl there tooo..
n how I wanted to remind them.
the expressions said,.. al other teams would do it..
n the clumsy me.. got on.. that rockkk... oooohhhh
I could do it tooo.. okk
n ya R was this hero material.. do it first, do it fast..
T ..was more like.. do it for urself.. do it your own way...
C .. do it any way.. just get over with it..
S we still dint notice.. no we did..
coz he did it the right way.. n did it on his turn..
V had to do it.. but how he did it.. was ..
when we got down of it.. I was sure this ends
n then we rushed to another..noway!
I was enjoying u may say..
after a few we came back to this demo rock..
wat appeared cool.. was a test to do..
I retained my clumsiness.. I just cudnt lift myself up..
I still know..I know why..
there were eyes staring.. n I just could not.. go beyond..
I lost it..there was apoint. when I tried...
gave it my best.. n cried like a child..
T had to grab me like ababy.. n put me down...
I held him tight...n ran aside...it was me..
n now it was over for me... n one of our instructors..
asked me to do it again.. no I said..
he was stuck on his point...
my weight wasnt getting off in the air.. I was scared..
I did it.. agian.. oops.. thank him now..
I know I can do it .. even when I have said no.. n cried..
there were other rocks too.. but I skipped one or two..
feeling back to earth.. n making a girl's presence felt.
P later told me , none of the girls could manage all..
ego.. boost.. u say.. maybe... ;)
I even hurt my back when I fell hard form one of these rocks...
it started raining thereater..
got really cold...cosily did F sit with his girl..
when C all jealous right in front.. with me n P..
sang his heart out.. it was so much fun...
n we were too wet...sumhow managed to get our meal..
got the tent ready.. n off to bed...four in one.. aahaaa
next morning we packed it alll... n started towards the camp..
we should this day in the camp.. if am not wrong..
but the sequence was pardonable...

now before we leave the base camp for a trek..
where we'd be like those early men.. wandering
I decided to write sumthing,
like how one night me n F
sat on that rock in fornt of our tents..
I was busy looking at the stars..
n he went on with sumthing.. I dint hear..
n I know he likes it not... but then he likes me a lot...
n I take advantage..
one night when I was looking up to the sky..
among those still bright stars.. I noticed sumthing moving...
as imaginative as I am..I was sure its a satellite or a UFO.
I showed it to T..one person.. who'd dare not go against..
I take adavantage of that fact too... :)
I know he tried to be polite ..
n make me understand its not , just a plane maybe...
n human nature.. we became 5 from just the 2 curious..
n except me all were convinced it wasnt a spaceship..
this guy.. he was good looking..but dat's all
he swayed all saying its nothing.. get back to work..
he stared at me.. witha alook I can still imagine...
n I gave T a joke he'd dare not laugh..
not in front of me at least.. :(
n day one how.. T managed to get that human star right!
He kept on telling me for long after...
I never hear him say..
but the child like excitement never goes out of my way..
how he mixed a few ppl.. mingled a few names..
exact version cannot be given.. wasnt there..
n the chocolate biscuits dat disappeared
before seeing the light of the day...
n I dont even mind the one taken away form my hand..
can I have one more!! n here it goes..
the water tank filling sessions are unforgettable too..
hard but fun..n why I wonder.. I forget to enjoy..
or that is how I enjoy... I wonder..
a lot am I missing.. goldfish memory to be blamed..


to be continued....

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It's Ok.. ;)

there's more!

there's more drama in real life

than what is portrayed in these eyes..

the very first time you shouted " you ass$**$"

and I slapped you hard..

you said "what the f**$"

this is how I knew my 12 yr old has grown up..

not long ago..when you cried " Mom!! this guy over here!!"

n I ran to catch hold of you.. my little boy!!

what more could I do then kiss you softly on your forehead!

tell you, "its ok..if you dont hit back when they do so to you"

amazed you looked at me.. I smiled back..

you thought maybe its true..

next morning when I came to your room..

I sat near you for five minutes, before I woke you up..

You asked me " is it really ok!!"

ohh I know you were so innocent then!!

I could not help but laugh..take you in my lap...n wish there's never a day .

I need to tell you..it's not that ok!!


there's more mystery..

there's more mystery that unfolds, this life..

than the folds you see on this wrinkled face,

seventeen you joined the college...

"Am out on date tonight Mom"...

no better way to tell me

my teenager has just started seing the world outside..

go on..I said..

you looked back with a twinkle in your eye..

did I see my young one blush...

it was just yesterday you said.. you are my only girlfriend..

n I know I blushed..

the big car that you drive these days...

is too big I guess..that's why u missed me on the tracks..

the old lady you almost shouted at..

was not me..was I happy...

later you shouted back... Am Sorry!

n I know I smiled!

"she's like you...she's my girl"...

and overjoyed I saw my grown up...


there's more life

Than this one we try to live!

hidden in those smiles..those very firsts..n the last ones you missed!

I leave now.. n It's ok still...

I tell you.. you can take care of yourself...

yOu are the one who took care of me!

you get on with your life..

and one day when you sit besides your bundle of joy..

just once give a peck on her cheek ..

n tell her "It's OK!"

:)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

interview room and beyond...


one more interview n I'll be dead..
am really scared of these interviews.
wat all m scared of.. maybe everything
but when it comes to facing those fears I still manage out,about ok..
but an interview...

I reached the venue a good one hour early..
too early I thought..
I was the cooolest among them all..
wiping off there sweat.. shining on their foreheads..
come on .. what exactly are these geeks worried bout.. they know it all..
I wondered.
Anyways a low in confidence me.
figuring out wat to do next.
saw this guy..smartly dressed..
Dad expected me to ask where to go...
n I sumhow got the courage to utter .. where??

ohh up on the 2nd floor he said..
coool...move 2..
n round bout 100 or more candidates..
no chance I thought..
but still I dont understand...
how come they are all more smarter than me.. always...
newaz.. I decided this is gonna b my last third degree I put myself into..
group discussion first..well..
I have aready gone mum..
they are discussing it all..
ohh this guy next to me.. thinks he's the coolest one on Earth...
well what a wierd point of view..
lemme just tell him.. its the other way...
okk now..
m I really thirsty.. wen was the last time I saw water..
ohh this lady right across.. she's talking non sense..
just a few minutes back these ppl decided, how they're gonna give each other a chance..
n they are fighting, with whom?
is this the survival that we are looking for..
n what crap did this girl cum up with..
a smile broke on my face.. not really expected
but who the hell noticed!
the discussion, I hardly said nething...
there was a lot I had thought of...
n never did I speak..I was shivering..yess I was
m scared I realized like always..
n when the interviewers gave me my two minutes to say it all..
I still could not.. this was my chance.. maybe my last..
they did even ask all of us to put it on paper.. n I did..
if only had I said it then n there..
the discussion had just started for me..
for long... till my turn for the interview ..
how many times did I shut them all up.
when they called my name..
n I opened my eyes to this world..
I entered that room..
n I lost it.. I just wanted to run away.. far from there..
I knew even when m not answering..
there were questions being answered by me...
hardly 5 minutes and they concluded.. am not satisfied..
n I came out..
I knew I have lost the only chance I had..
never again would they know who was sitting in front of them..
a dissatisfied soul maybe..
conflicting at first I dint like it..
n I left.. with someone's dreams turned nightmare..
and how I knew I could answer ..
but the scare.. why?
is everyone like me..
what am I afraid of...
I was not me inside that room..I know..
it was an interview...
n how I know I hav failed many of these..
many of the real world one's tooo...
coz am afraid they'll laugh..
but when was I scared of being laughed at...
or maybe I hav always been.. that's how I lost it alll...
my last interview..am tired of losing..
n the self that I see in that room scares me more than anything else...
at least now when I wont utter that word out
i'll know I was scared...n I wont pretend...

Sunday, February 22, 2009

unheard.. would still be never heard... ;)

aim less u cal it n its me.. longg journey no destination, is there a path or not m wondering now tooo.. but to no use I know its tooo late. what was I running after , what m I looking for.. is there nything left or is all lost n nothing in hand. welll achiever m not or m I .. I hav done till now a lot what is supposed to be impossible. I m still doing, I do it on my own , my will..

I would tell a lot , a lot have never said , but i cannot go back, m writing all what was never heard , never, is it ?

did I ever tell 'A' , he was a great friend , he'd know not now, he's busy , m busy too. there was a time we used to sip glasses of cc without break wondering why stars appear at night and why is moon so far away, and why do we still fight over issues that make no sense in the long run. I never told you I loved your company, you were the kid in me, n the adult in me, did u see. it was till that winter evening with very cold hands when I read it, n I had nothing in my mind , it was all blank , i wasnt thinking any thing, nothing at all, I just left , just left , left the kid and took the adult alongwith .. give me that day back once .. n I would just shout at you , n laugh it offf... I have loved you more than you can ever think , you are the friend who calls me buff.. n still expects me to turn , n dint I turn , I think I did, coz it was the love the kid in me had for the kid that were you. there's not much I remember , the dance that both of us enjoyed , coz we were together , n not coz of any other reason , the walks we had , do u still mourn over the lost days , dont tell me that ..I stilll carry a thousand stars we had walked underneath , the fog that we'd enjoy , the road trips that seemed unending , but it all comes to an end I guess.. I am the old one , they say, but I know you were always older than me,... ;)

I was a usual lier all time through , n did I ever realize till 'P' told me one day , you lied , I just walked by him, coz maybe he said sumthing I always knew, I was the one who's been lying all these years , but I never heard it , till he said it on my face. I told you, I dont think so, it was you I called when I wanted to have sumone alongside for that unusual walk, walk where u say , n I fight all along , but it al stays , stays with me till date , your friends did tease you by my name , I know , how it never bothered you , how did u keep your cool. , how come you never lied , I talked to you , found a reason , you were there even before a sorry came outta this big mouth of mine . You were there on that interview night and the early morning before your final practical we again roamed round the campus, I have done it alll, crazy stufff with you , running to nesci , just to get that coffeee, how much distance have I covered with you , al in circles it seems , we came back to the same point , you have defined what friendship is ? I failed a thousand times , you win throughout this game of life.

not long they say can one wait or someone; you defy all rules I say. 'N' , you have proved what love can be for sumone , its a long wait , 2.5 years you say , for sumone like me , who was just an average in looks and ok in nature , but it was a long wait . am happy you had to say it to me,.. the reaons I wont share but its good. you were there always to hear me out , hear me cry , hear me jump in joy , you were there , n m here still, love is not what I'd say, but m a friend, coz you've been a brilliant friend all this while , i hurt you, I did, but that's me , I wasnt comfortable , If u dint realize, there's a way I see things , you dont, its ideal for you , its too real for me , a little too practical am I.. I am not gonna get back your years , that went wasted , for me it was a longest friendship have seen running , thanks to you., where I never ran.. you never gave me a chance , coz you never came too close to even try grasp,you were close tat day, did I look into your eyes, I dint , u never seem to notice, but I always knew am ugly in looks and bad in nature, haa.. funny it sounds , anyways am a friend till I die.. give me that day back and I'll tell you I was still the same , just a little cold and fever , sorry is sumthing I wont say , you dont say it to friends, .. find a good girl , and I'll b there just to take a treat from my friend of good times n even bad ones .. ;)

I still recal how 'M' once sat besides, in one of her serene moods , said to me , why do u always let people go, one day u'll be all alone . It struck like a hot iron rod.. bang.. what.. what did u say.. I defended , if she actually heard me by saying , I just dont hold them on .. I leave them free.. she said what if they want to be held , just once , once by you...I can still feel the same way I felt that night, figuring out the great bear in the sky. I have always topld her a lot of things , and a lot more have I kept away , did I ever tell you , how your tears were always perfectly spherical, out of those small eyes of yours, u looked pretty . I did tell you m sure . You remember how, when I was leaving, u had moist eyes n I was laughing like anythimng , if you could just take me back in time . I'll tell you I was crying too.. Its just that m too shy I guess to show it. had it not been you , I doubt if I'd have survived so long .. m aweak gal , you are the strong one . I still love you more than you know who.n ya do you still make guys fall blindly for you...;)

hope you are fine 'M'.. ya I know you'll wonder why Iask now. after not having talked for like years now.. it seems many years, you were the one who put me on that stage, stage a place I never dreamt I'll even go near in a thousand more lives , we have had fun.. you wont remember , or how can u forget , u have many friends , of course come on , if not you who else, but think we did have sumthing just the two of us share , how we used to look at guys, how we were the unbeatable twosome , we have scared many a soul, or even if it was always you , it was fun , the unstoppable DJ night , did we stop or they had to put off the music I wonder , remember it was just the dog and us .. oops yess it was on that floor .. n then that rock night , we banged our heads .. no wonder its still badly damaged and shaken...we have had brilliant jam sessions just waking on the road, why do guys have all the fun rite ? who siad it .. meet us n we'll tell you, the day we were leaving how you came down from that rickshaw and you held me , no words were spoken , I know you held me tight, was there sumthing you wnated to say , I know it cud hav ended in a different way , but guess too much closeness does take you too far... too far is it? the distance even the distant noticed .. why ? lets just get back to the dance floor once again. :)

..............

Sunday, January 25, 2009

...bad guy!!

it was always fun to see someone fall
or make others cry,
i enjoyed life , when others were cursing it,
somehow nobody ever liked me.
they say, if not on my face
m the bad guy
coz I dont make others laugh
I give them pain
when its happiness they want

I realize, i cud not see them not to
why do they need me to cheer them up
when i remain happy all by myself.

a river flowed by my town
i sat there for hours with no friends around
wat lies deep within
is what i always doubt
is there a guy like me, a bad guy
in the place underneath
maybe I'll one day find.

I heard a scream n I woke by
there was water inside my home
My mom was screaming
n my little sis drowning in,
My mother looked up to me
to hold her hand, to save my sis
I dint move
I got up and I ran outside
just to see a town deep into this river of mine,
it was just chaos abound
Peaople stared , said
I am still the same old guy
nothing can change me
not even a flood hit cry,
I smiled to tell them nce again
but I wonder how they cannot see it by then
its them, nobody else can ever make them cry

I knew I found the other bad guy..

for once..


for once,
I dont want to be strong person
strong, when I really wanna cry
when I hear your voice
a voice inside asks me to just slip by
into your arms.
n dream the nite together alongside
your hands in mine
your whispers into my ears
u tell me..

but how can I ever hear
coz m the one
strong to push u away,

for once I wanna be the weak gal,
who tells you.
come hold me .
n take me wherever,
dont ask me again
where do u get the strength u display,
I am weak..
n thats my strength,
nothing else nothing more.

I am weak..

Saturday, January 24, 2009

it was..

give me a thread if u care to..
its not you.
its the me between
me and you..

if u care to uncut,
remember it was not me,
the thread that held
was always you.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

One nite stand .. and a little more

I left my place for the one I have been following for days..
I was scared of what lies ahead.
Is there a welcoming hand
or just a indifferent stare,
I knew whatever It was sumthing,
sumthing .. I was looking for.
None before has ever done it.
N My friends warned me too..
But I had to go..
And it was my nite…
I went down just as always..
There besides the big waves ..
I was walking down alone..
When I saw someone..
I thought maybe I should ask,
But a thousand questions came running,
I knew it was not right,
Still I went over and spoke,
I am new here could u just let me know,
If this is what shines from aboard,
A silence that was there, suddenly broke,
And a giggle came out,
“ How would I know?
Am as new as you are, n I was always here,
You came down,”
I smiled,
This was the beginning, I just knew.
Have never met sumone like that before, All smiles,
I wondered what it meant,
I asked, do you come here often,
A stare I could never forget..
“Well I wish I could, I like the waves”, came the answer.
Same here.. we have a lot in common.
Well can we be friends?
Did it came a little sooner,
I don’t make friends so easily,
What was it that was different this time.
Maybe the fact that both of us were new there and indifferent.
It took a long second.. I don’t know how long
But came a straight no.
Was I expecting it,, well no..
Then I stood still..
And a hand came calling.
I could not understand why, when a blunt no just preceded.
I followed.
We walked that night.
It was long when dawn was bout to break.
I said. I’ll take your leave now.
M sure gonna drop by tomorrow.
Hope to see you then
A sweet smile was sumthing unexpected.
A smile that said I am a good company.
I looked into those eyes and said.
We sure gonna be friends
Just give me one more night alongside
And I left.
Slowly the view got blurred.
But I know it was a difficult return.
Today is the night ,
I am definitely gonna break that ice.
Maybe a little shy.
But then m also a difficult guy
We’ll be the best of friends tonight
And I reached the beach side..
I waited for long but noone in sight
I dared to ask the waves that were there last nite,
Aaahh can you tell me where is my friend ?
And the waves laughed.
After my disappointment was visible on my face,
Maybe they decided to answer,
Ohh dear Moon!
"I watch you every night from here up there
Looking down with amaze and scare,
Why don’t you make me your friend
I’ll be here forever."
I was sad but polite enough to answer
Of course why not,
But for now can you guide me to my new found friend,
A giggle broke again.. This time I dint find it amusing.
"Well ur friend wont be there tonight or ever
They were the footsteps left behind..
And I washed them away after you left last night..."
What does that suppose to mean,
I was not getting nething
You washed them away..
" You know why ur friendship was refused..
Because the footsteps were there only for one night and it knew.."
A tear dropped out of my eye..
I walked the night with the best friend I could ever have..
all that stare said to me was,
if you leave tonite... we're never gonna meet again
and I dint get it that time..
and I still dont know what that smile meant..
I wish I could..

now I know..Earth is where, all dread coming to..
Coz it gives you the best...
The moment you realize you have lost it for the rest.