Monday, March 30, 2009

awake ever since!!

and i was asleep...
when you held my hand..
n whispered those words..
words I longed to hear..
n the bedside when you sat..
u came near.. too near..
your heartbeats were mine..
mine just dissolved in time..

and i was asleep..
when you left me that night..
alone I have been ever since..
with the sleepless nights..


Sunday, March 22, 2009

happy be her days!

International Women's day...
for years , since I know this day existed..
I have been religiously wishing my mother...
but sumthing happened this time..
two messages on my cell..
told me I too have grown up..
they wished me a happy international women's day...
well surprised rather shocked...,to see them.
am a woman too..
were not the Mothers and aunts, meant to be woman,
well, old I am now. I thought.. Laughed it of...jokes apart..
yesterday only I saw a lady , perform on a dance show,
while her hubby taking care of child’s examination.
A woman is a special creation, they say
Special she is, n u see a full page dedicated to her,
In the Sunday morn newspaper,
When she’s been in exile for 9 years,
Years spent in horror, n darkness of her soul,
A cage her, own people, her own Dad, created for her,
N her Mom said keep quiet,
This is your fate woman,,
A man fathering six of his daughter’s children,
N happy may u live till years to come, woman..
Naked was a woman, made to run in her village,
Coz they say, she’s the one who dared to fall in love..
Well, how many times have you tore her clothes apart..
Naked has she been.. all this while, On her way
Hear a girl cry on her birth, don’t make her smile,
Coz happy are gonna be her days..
She’s yet to see a happy woman’s day..
I leave my office in the eve,
N I hear a comment, a guy on cycle follows me,
I speed up, n there’s sumthing I wanna say, y I don’t react..
my pleasure I chose to be a woman..
Is that what it says..
You define a woman, by a creature who cooks ur meal,
Does the laundry, washes ur meal plates,
Bears your child, n then every night on that bed..
In the dark of your room, is ur dream girl..
Frustrated you feel n take it out on her..
She’s a gift you’ve got, use it n throw her…
Proud may I be.. to be one,
But the day I understood what this meant,
Its just another woman I am..
Celebrate this day, or one more..
It’s a curse she has got on…
Happy Woman’s day..
to you little born..
Now tat you have come along..
I cannot ask you to go.. run away..
This place is heaven they say..

Saturday, March 21, 2009

its scary!


if tomorrow m not there...

noone will ever know what I had to say.. not even me...
coz hav never said nething..

noone will know who I was.. not even me..
coz have never told nething..

sumhow I can see that nobody listens to wat u r not saying,
noone hears your silence...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

.. on that Hilltop!!

it was a usual trek..
I have never been to any before..
like a real trek No...
we took us like 2 days of train journey
to reach our first destination..
late in the night..
we hadnt still reached
wen our train abruptly stopped
like around 4-5 kms. away.. 1
we'll get down on the tracks and cross over to the platform
take a rickshaw..
who's gonna wait here in dark.. nowhere...
heroic me.. was the first among gals to monkey jump
from the train onto the tracks to the platform..
plan.. no. 2
seems like our train's gonna start...
with only 5 ppl having crossed till now...
we decide to go back to the train...
be heroic... just be laughed at...
jump again..
n this time it was tough..
still managed to crossover n get into the train..
another 5 minutes..
plan ... no. 3
we get to the platform...
n they all turn around to look at me...
monkeys first written all over their faces...
okkkkkey.. I jump again.. n get to the platform..
I 'll carry my own luggage...I announce... fell on deaf ears
within 5 minutes all reached the platform..
n rushed out to get a vehicle to our first destination...
best part... we see our train leaving before
we even managed to fit in that auto...
we do reach our first stop...
at one in the morning
alone when I sat at the banks of the river...
I still knew me..
just the river when I was busy looking at ..
n the star studded sky above my head...
I knew there are just 2 or 3 I know here..
rest all strangers... I was afraid..
n I dialed a number... not dat the person realized why?
but I knew where I belonged...
it was gonna be tough..
when we start again tomorrow morning...

So I got up late the next day...
n hurried up to get the breakfast...
n a bad mood did I carry along...
well this was not unusual..
when things deviate alittle from wat I think..
the moon turns down on my face side...
we get into our tata sumos...
on our way..
i just love the road trips..
sitting by the window side...
n ya..there were two of these special ppl..
both were thought of by rest as my to be bets..
but we were very good friends...
we reach a hotel...without electricity..
n now some last minute .. just mentioned
shopping to be done..
n then rush to destination 2..
the guys were welcommed by two very new faces...
n for them this is when the quest began..
for the gals.. the fun started.. for me atleast it did...
when we reached our base camp..
one look at our tents
and we know the adventure begins...
we were thereafter.. puppets
who get lives on a whistle blown...n only then..
they divide us into teams...five !
team three was where I stood..
first one in my team was a cutie.. girls thought of...
but how depressed he was to be with..
a girl who cannot cook..I smiled...
next name was not a surprise...
he was meant to be in mine...
one of the two couldnt make it..
n both of us knew.. he's got his nerves blowing hottt...
the three of us.. are so true.. to be friends...
I just loved it...touchwood..
for the rest.. I'll be referring the one in my team..
by the taller one 'T'
n the one who couldnt made it and landed up in the 5th ..
by the fairer one 'F'

I was made the captain of the day...
there were ppl in my team who
never seemed to be happy with me being there..
I know... but then did I care.. maybe i did...
there was this game we had to play..
not once did this cloth ball go straight into his hand..
there was this guy...right across..
n how the cute guy 'C', tells me.. u r useless..
u r worthless.. how I was scared of that guy standing across
but that guy just gave me a sweet msile.. telling me it's okay..
but it was not... oohh... I might be laughing..
but I was so damn clumsy all through...
my team members knew.. they've already lost it on day 1...
second game.. we tried to give our best..
but.. maybe the clumsiness that I was contributing to...
we lost.. day end..when we sat together..
my teammates.. complained..
I was a poor leader.. I defended.. but to no use..
even T seemed to be on the other side..
I was upset.. and scared of days ahead..
there was a number I dialled.. but to no use...
there among the strangers .. I felt alone...
next day I was awake before the sun rays..
I hardly slept.. reviewing the day that went habit...
we were off to some place.. trekking
with our backpacks..I was excited...
and me, T n F with C together...
it was gonna be fun..
we started walking.. sumthing I love.. I love a lot..
I was walking.. without any thoughts..
F followed by me...followed by T
slowly the trek became steeper.. I kept moving..
further n farther.. away.. far.. too far..
not ahead of them all..but ahead of myself..
It was me...when I saw myself jumping
on reaching that beautiful village atop...
I might be a stranger to them all..
but how I know I met myself..
when we started back.. I was tired...
I might have hurt myself sumwhere... too
we were almost the first one's to reach back...
n ya there was this beautiful girl in F's team...
when all were jealous of this guy..
n me, T n C never lost a moment when we can tease him..
he seemed uninterested... :(
second half of the day was maybe for river crossing..
excuse me the sequence of events..
the Instructor turned to name the person who'd go first.
when I was busy making faces on how tough it is...
he called out my name..
there was this sweet girl ready to take it... come on!!
again I was the first one to go full on..
why is it me?? I am the dumb one...
I am not there to prove anything tooo...
I turned to look at T and F..for sympathy..
F got the best joke in life ..
they tell me I had my eyes closed like a 1 month old..
too scared to open.. and midway when I saw the sky..
n the river flowing beneath.. I tell you it was heaven...
I always think m not allowed there..
n so I got to see how's it gonna be...
there was nothin I had to prove to anyone there..
there were ppl who were shouting for me..
even though I never cared to talk to them...
n it meant a lot..
when I was back.. F had the second best joke of his lifetime.. that still makes him laugh...
I was happy.. my team was happy..
I wasnt dat bad...

my team..
'V' he seemed to be a born leader..
everything was always planned for him..
n the plans were fool proof...
we never talked before...
n it appeared the state of no change..
'R' okk.. this one nothing much to say...
I was impressed by his will..
very very impressed..that's it..
n ya.. he hated me! :)
'S' this guy.. one never notices..
but ya.. there's always sumthing.. u an look forward to...
n the days ahead showed it...
he I hope hated me not.. ;)
C n T not given much thought upon...
this day was for some direction full game in the morn..
the leader said.. she will tell the direction..
now I know I felt sumthing... happy
I wont mention that..
we started in full gear.. running from pillar to post..
after the first leap ..we realized we started on wrong track..
n the words.. she will tell the direction started echoing..
n to ground zero did I land with a bang...
but we were still running...
n how they hardly listened to me..
I was right... :(
newaz... running hard.. hurting myself too..we reached..
n this one needs a mention..
this guy.. I supposedly die for...
took my name.. n cheered me..
when I was too tired to even stand up...
n like a fueled engine.. of an old train.. I ran.. too fast...
too smiley.. my day u call..
we did it the fastest...
I almost hugged this strong willed guy...
n then there was this.. I forgot the name..
I hardly got it then...m waiting for T to answer in gmail..
n how i know.. he'll make it today..he cant
so I tell u I was scared..
this was impossible...
there was this big mountain rock in front of us..
20-30 or more mts...rap sailing.. he got it...doubtful still
the neck pained even looking up...
this is wat u see on discovery...
n only see....
while this really always enthu sweet girl..
turns to me and say...lets go.. we'll do it first...
who me.. well.. I'll better stay put...if I could..
teamwise was it announced..
there's still some time.. before i go up there...
not to come back again...
wish I could say Nooooo....
newaz.. F in one of his very romantic styles.. turned to say...
I want you to do it the best way...
aah... wish he was my guy... newaz...
well the process of reaching to the top..
was purposefully difficult I guess..
as coming down wasnt tat tough...
ya n before I went there... I took 'P' s sweater..
dunno how it looked.. but it was pretty cold..
n he got to be a hero... :)
okk n ya this reminds me of another 'P' this time a girl..
I do talk to them... ;)
she was with me.. or I was with her..
since I dint talk to many there...I'd like to thank her here..
n ya I did it fine... how dont ask me...
u dont just see it on discovery...finally!
F was eager to do it... now who shud tell him..
well ok.. not me but other girls was he trying to impress..
C told us later how F came back on way up..
to get hold of the pretty lady in his team..
he defended.. n we just laughed..a lot..
day end.. al of us went back to our den...
it seems the guys forgot there was a girl in our team tooo..

our base camp
was situated right amid these big high mountains...
n a beautiful river flowing downstream there...
a river I have always liked.. with rocks ..
where you can sit n just sit..
for long.. without any thought..
n you dont care.. as to who's there who's not...
there was more to enjoy... a lot left still...
but I almost always miss..
n how after every C managed to find me
a comany to the river to wash our plates..
n in exact words.. for that spoon..
till he manged to get his own..
he's more lazy than I am....
but I never mind his company whatever, however...
in dat chilled water , we still had our egos intact..
we could still find faults..
n not talk to the person.. we'd not talk to...
we are too coool...
I actually could get to my own nerves in any normal situation..
how I didnt like
F sitting on that rock with that girl in his team..
I even sang some depressing situational songs..
which T had to bear...
but that day if am not wrong F was not in a good mood.
why? well mystery I wont say, but I wont reveal..
me and T took him away .. n both of us .. liek his girlfriends..
pardon me the usage of that word...
were trying to bring a smile on his face...tough
but we managed, I did, T slipped conveniently out.. :(

when we packed our bags for the rock climbing session
away from our base camp.. we were excited
with some wierd tools handed over to us..
ohh we started wlaking.. thsi was long..
how we could just not bother to stop..
our team did try to rockkk..
we noticed .. ya everybody did.. by this time
R had developed an affection for this sweet girl in the other team..
another topic we found.. C was having real fun..
n how he also found a point of attraction,
in tat girl in F's team...n even F was enjoying..
me n T always do..
afterall its fun to live life... ;)
our leader was on a different mission..
with his marriage scheduled a couple of weeks later..
he dreamt of seeing a flatter tummy...
girls change your life.. they say it right..
n so he was always the first one in the row..
among all teams...our team was far away
from any materiaistic thing.. world had to offer..
well it appeared that way...
time to take rest.. when we reached this awesome.. location
there was more to see..
when after a break we moved further.. to the rocks all over...
after a demo session.. n it was no piece of cake...
our team with our trainer .. moved to another rock.. rock no. 7
7 .. who's lucky number is it..
n it was straight rock.. verticaly...
my team hardly remembered there was a girl there tooo..
n how I wanted to remind them.
the expressions said,.. al other teams would do it..
n the clumsy me.. got on.. that rockkk... oooohhhh
I could do it tooo.. okk
n ya R was this hero material.. do it first, do it fast..
T ..was more like.. do it for urself.. do it your own way...
C .. do it any way.. just get over with it..
S we still dint notice.. no we did..
coz he did it the right way.. n did it on his turn..
V had to do it.. but how he did it.. was ..
when we got down of it.. I was sure this ends
n then we rushed to another..noway!
I was enjoying u may say..
after a few we came back to this demo rock..
wat appeared cool.. was a test to do..
I retained my clumsiness.. I just cudnt lift myself up..
I still know..I know why..
there were eyes staring.. n I just could not.. go beyond..
I lost it..there was apoint. when I tried...
gave it my best.. n cried like a child..
T had to grab me like ababy.. n put me down...
I held him tight...n ran was me..
n now it was over for me... n one of our instructors..
asked me to do it again.. no I said..
he was stuck on his point...
my weight wasnt getting off in the air.. I was scared..
I did it.. agian.. oops.. thank him now..
I know I can do it .. even when I have said no.. n cried..
there were other rocks too.. but I skipped one or two..
feeling back to earth.. n making a girl's presence felt.
P later told me , none of the girls could manage all..
ego.. boost.. u say.. maybe... ;)
I even hurt my back when I fell hard form one of these rocks...
it started raining thereater..
got really cold...cosily did F sit with his girl..
when C all jealous right in front.. with me n P..
sang his heart out.. it was so much fun...
n we were too wet...sumhow managed to get our meal..
got the tent ready.. n off to bed...four in one.. aahaaa
next morning we packed it alll... n started towards the camp..
we should this day in the camp.. if am not wrong..
but the sequence was pardonable...

now before we leave the base camp for a trek..
where we'd be like those early men.. wandering
I decided to write sumthing,
like how one night me n F
sat on that rock in fornt of our tents..
I was busy looking at the stars..
n he went on with sumthing.. I dint hear..
n I know he likes it not... but then he likes me a lot...
n I take advantage..
one night when I was looking up to the sky..
among those still bright stars.. I noticed sumthing moving...
as imaginative as I am..I was sure its a satellite or a UFO.
I showed it to person.. who'd dare not go against..
I take adavantage of that fact too... :)
I know he tried to be polite ..
n make me understand its not , just a plane maybe...
n human nature.. we became 5 from just the 2 curious..
n except me all were convinced it wasnt a spaceship..
this guy.. he was good looking..but dat's all
he swayed all saying its nothing.. get back to work..
he stared at me.. witha alook I can still imagine...
n I gave T a joke he'd dare not laugh..
not in front of me at least.. :(
n day one how.. T managed to get that human star right!
He kept on telling me for long after...
I never hear him say..
but the child like excitement never goes out of my way..
how he mixed a few ppl.. mingled a few names..
exact version cannot be given.. wasnt there..
n the chocolate biscuits dat disappeared
before seeing the light of the day...
n I dont even mind the one taken away form my hand..
can I have one more!! n here it goes..
the water tank filling sessions are unforgettable too..
hard but fun..n why I wonder.. I forget to enjoy..
or that is how I enjoy... I wonder..
a lot am I missing.. goldfish memory to be blamed..

to be continued....

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It's Ok.. ;)

there's more!

there's more drama in real life

than what is portrayed in these eyes..

the very first time you shouted " you ass$**$"

and I slapped you hard..

you said "what the f**$"

this is how I knew my 12 yr old has grown up..

not long ago..when you cried " Mom!! this guy over here!!"

n I ran to catch hold of you.. my little boy!!

what more could I do then kiss you softly on your forehead!

tell you, "its ok..if you dont hit back when they do so to you"

amazed you looked at me.. I smiled back..

you thought maybe its true..

next morning when I came to your room..

I sat near you for five minutes, before I woke you up..

You asked me " is it really ok!!"

ohh I know you were so innocent then!!

I could not help but laugh..take you in my lap...n wish there's never a day .

I need to tell's not that ok!!

there's more mystery..

there's more mystery that unfolds, this life..

than the folds you see on this wrinkled face,

seventeen you joined the college...

"Am out on date tonight Mom"...

no better way to tell me

my teenager has just started seing the world outside..

go on..I said..

you looked back with a twinkle in your eye..

did I see my young one blush...

it was just yesterday you said.. you are my only girlfriend..

n I know I blushed..

the big car that you drive these days...

is too big I guess..that's why u missed me on the tracks..

the old lady you almost shouted at..

was not me..was I happy...

later you shouted back... Am Sorry!

n I know I smiled!

"she's like you...she's my girl"...

and overjoyed I saw my grown up...

there's more life

Than this one we try to live!

hidden in those smiles..those very firsts..n the last ones you missed!

I leave now.. n It's ok still...

I tell you.. you can take care of yourself...

yOu are the one who took care of me!

you get on with your life..

and one day when you sit besides your bundle of joy..

just once give a peck on her cheek ..

n tell her "It's OK!"


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

interview room and beyond...

one more interview n I'll be dead..
am really scared of these interviews.
wat all m scared of.. maybe everything
but when it comes to facing those fears I still manage out,about ok..
but an interview...

I reached the venue a good one hour early..
too early I thought..
I was the cooolest among them all..
wiping off there sweat.. shining on their foreheads..
come on .. what exactly are these geeks worried bout.. they know it all..
I wondered.
Anyways a low in confidence me.
figuring out wat to do next.
saw this guy..smartly dressed..
Dad expected me to ask where to go...
n I sumhow got the courage to utter .. where??

ohh up on the 2nd floor he said..
coool...move 2..
n round bout 100 or more candidates..
no chance I thought..
but still I dont understand...
how come they are all more smarter than me.. always...
newaz.. I decided this is gonna b my last third degree I put myself into..
group discussion first..well..
I have aready gone mum..
they are discussing it all..
ohh this guy next to me.. thinks he's the coolest one on Earth...
well what a wierd point of view..
lemme just tell him.. its the other way...
okk now..
m I really thirsty.. wen was the last time I saw water..
ohh this lady right across.. she's talking non sense..
just a few minutes back these ppl decided, how they're gonna give each other a chance..
n they are fighting, with whom?
is this the survival that we are looking for..
n what crap did this girl cum up with..
a smile broke on my face.. not really expected
but who the hell noticed!
the discussion, I hardly said nething...
there was a lot I had thought of...
n never did I speak..I was shivering..yess I was
m scared I realized like always..
n when the interviewers gave me my two minutes to say it all..
I still could not.. this was my chance.. maybe my last..
they did even ask all of us to put it on paper.. n I did..
if only had I said it then n there..
the discussion had just started for me..
for long... till my turn for the interview ..
how many times did I shut them all up.
when they called my name..
n I opened my eyes to this world..
I entered that room..
n I lost it.. I just wanted to run away.. far from there..
I knew even when m not answering..
there were questions being answered by me...
hardly 5 minutes and they concluded.. am not satisfied..
n I came out..
I knew I have lost the only chance I had..
never again would they know who was sitting in front of them..
a dissatisfied soul maybe..
conflicting at first I dint like it..
n I left.. with someone's dreams turned nightmare..
and how I knew I could answer ..
but the scare.. why?
is everyone like me..
what am I afraid of...
I was not me inside that room..I know..
it was an interview...
n how I know I hav failed many of these..
many of the real world one's tooo...
coz am afraid they'll laugh..
but when was I scared of being laughed at...
or maybe I hav always been.. that's how I lost it alll...
my last tired of losing..
n the self that I see in that room scares me more than anything else...
at least now when I wont utter that word out
i'll know I was scared...n I wont pretend...