“The more you let yourself be distracted from where you are going, the more you are the person that you are. It's not so much like getting lost as it is like getting found.”
~~ William Stafford quote
Sunday, December 13, 2009
And the fear!!
I was taken aback when out of a sudden on a bad hair day,a bad mood day, came from you my dear friend, with a trembling voice, and a shaking hand, that you see me as your girl. I thought you were trying to cheer me up, n have a little cute fun. But I looked into your eyes for a quarter of a second or even less, n I knew I was at fault. We left for the day then, when next day You werent' looking at me, n i shouted your name out loud, thinking we were friends,n we'd always be.
That's not how things go, I held your hand or you held mine, it was a bond I'd die if broken. You were the one who'd be embarassed by me in public but still would fight to be the only one to be seen with me in public or otherwise. I could see you suffering a lot, but I tried to be fair to you n to me n to us but then of course it was getting tough day be day, there were others I was accomodating. I let things be, and were we moving apart, away, far, maybe we were but for good. We had a string still intact. We did get our chance, to be what we were good at, being there for the other, just when needed, just when looked for, just when felt.
On that hilltop with my forzen hands, were you, you were the one warming them, in your pockets, You were the one scolding me for an unfinished meal or a banana shared, You were the one walking besides, chasing, me, accompanying me, my footsteps you could measure n see from whereever you fall behind. On that rock in the river where you sat, gloomy, I saw me at fault again, n it set me thinking, I was enjoying my days of freedom of being me, of being with you n of us together.Till that night when in the moonlight I sat thinking, If I am gonna lose you only at the cost of being a friend, It was my dream, I realize today, sitting by a lake with the stars in sight. You sat with me, n then I saw you leaving, a scare that I felt left a chill. Next morning when I was busy being me, not proving nay bit of me, to any being on earth, You pulled me and out of the fear I muttered, Two years, can you give me two years of my own life . Can I just save my answer till then. And You knew not, the context, you were the friend today I waited for all this while. You nodded your head, and wondered why that long. I am sure to have given you an unsatisfactory answer, which you'd surely have accepted knowing me. But it was the time, I was banking on. I thought two years either I'd start to see you the way you so wish, or We'd grow up to be teh best of friends they have ever seen or so i wished. That was teh day I lost my friends forever never to go back. A moment of fear and a life to follow on , walk on ,move on without you.
I was a friend when you first fought with me, when you never took that chair besides me in the mess, when you decided to give me the most awaited company on the dinner table, when you cracked all your jokes on me, when you'd compete with me on the TT table, when You took on your bike for the first time, when you wanted to go for a walk , when you talked bout your girl, when you had tears in your eyes on the bank of a fast flowing river, n in the cold night I put my hands across your shoulders, n tried to hold you tight, cheer you up, you gave a good reason for a moist eye, but wasnt I reading beneath those lines.
I never got to tell you, that a girl would thank her stars for finding you, I had thanked them enuf for having given you to me, You were mine, n I owned you. I have found you hot in your black shorts, n I have wished you to be my guy, but more than nything else I have loved to be your friend, ride on your bike n fly, my bike it has been or so I have thought it to be.
Being friends is not my cup of tea, I failed to keep up, n wen I look back it was just the fear that I had felt, fear of losing you, that made me lose you.
“They miss the whisper that runs
any day in your mind,
"Who are you really, wanderer?"
and the answer you have to give
no matter how dark and cold
the world around you is:
"Maybe I'm a king."”
~~ William Stafford