Monday, April 27, 2009

restore...


a system that was refreshed everytime it was switched on.. as if every work done on it had no effect. nothing mattered. no matter how many changes u made , it was blank everytime you got back , giving you a feeling of being lost, making you find a place deep within where all these changes were stored, just as they were made, where the difference was seen n felt clearly.
but all it took was 5 minutes and the system was restored, back to the way you saw it there, in there. it was my fault, i obviously in sleep, late night net surfing and all, logged it off instead of turning it off, the usual way...

but how I wonder, would it be , if we could restore our lives back to that date , from when on you saw it falling off, tearing apart into pieces, pieces that flew by, never to be found n seen again , never again.
there was this moment back sumtime, when I knew all was under control, things would never be bad , so bad , I had never imagined, but they got , clearly slipping outta these hands, hands bleeding,. held tight , every second that passed,
watever happened after dat never left a mark, not even a sign of its occurence, a smile has lost its meaning, a tear has no stand, what really matters is that lost stance.. I want a restore, so badly, n nothing else matters. coz what mattered was left on that desktop , carelessly, logged off. how I dared to log into any other account , how I now want to get back to my own account , of deeds , done bad , or good , or felt, seen at last, coz this life now refreshed every morn when i open my eyes , is alien .
how I knew this wasnt my account, there wasnt any other place I was meant to be..
no other person meant that much . no one was more important... most important .. is on that desktop in my account... I want to log in again...

Monday, April 20, 2009

..oooh... am irritated...


"You will have a great day, mostly because you are very lucky today. The number 23 will prove to be lucky for you today."

says my horoscope today.. crap it is. its horrorscope..I had an awful day today.. a person who's so bent on proving me his secretary.. aahhh as if hav ever even tried to be sumthing more to anyone at all..how cud he even expect to behave like that in the workplace.. if at all uw ork that is...enough for aperson.. it seem sI can never reply back.. or wat else m I waiting for... I was so irritated the whole day.. trying to keep myself busy.. no lunch nothing..and then there's this person whom u'd like to shake and wake up.. if at all sum of ur words ever strike his mind.. u wonder.. u shout .. and 1000 of times repeat the same things again n again n again.. but he wont understand...can i use the word dumb.. plzzz... it seems they all are.. or if thats d case may be I am...

its a terrible place out there.. work ...I just wanna quit.. today...

wat for is it dat I work.. not money for sure.. coz when they asked me before handing over my appraisal letter.. what are your expectations.. I stupidly replied .. nothing at all.. whatever u think i deserve.. as if... not pleaure.. actually.. coz dont even remember the last time I even bothered to look up that word in the dictionary... maybe coz it keeps me alive... 24hrs.. easy to pass... nothing else am i looking for... not satisfaction .. rubbish.. words nobody knows the meaning of...

ohh i so wanna run away....

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

one day.. gosh!!

today after like three days of enjoyin my weekend.. a long weekend... when I had to wake up in the morn.. obviously the very lazy me.. was strong enuf to make me get out late of my bed..
and then I rushed.. wasnt willing to go to office.. and with no heart at all when I entered my office place.. ok.. I felt ok.. not bad.. and that's kinna good..
I was doing some work.. when sumone stood behind me.. greeting me the morning ritual.. I wasnt tooawake.. when he said we missed you... n i laughed it of saying.. nobody ever misses me.. he said.. no i really missed you..I dont talk to him much.. I dont talk to him.. just that he sits right across.. right in front of my seating place.. n is it allowed to say.. i felt good..
but just then Sir interrupted saying.. we know you miss everyone in the office... ooohhkkkk!! but he said so.. meant a lot...pa bhar ke liye effect may be...

this post wasnt meant only to capture this one moment before it slips outta my ever slippery mind..
Aly wasnt feeling good today.. she was realy unhappy.. it showed on her face.. very disappointed.. helpless.. seeing nothing work.. we've been trying a lot now.. for 4 months since she joined my team.. but none of the candidates have we been able to place.. not tat we dont understand why.. but.. u know teh act tat she's agemini.. makes me feel bad seeing her like this... :(
and this was followed by a sudden burst in the ceiling.. now what's this... a good omen or a warning...
day passed rather quick as in relative to other days... with a meeting...
meetings it appears are a necessary part of management functions.. Some of mUkherjee's issues.. and a little bit here and there..
in the evening when we left.. Aly in her so so mood opted for aaloo tikki.. and me and Sir went for Lemon soda... it was good...
its kinna fun..a lot of different ppl.. with few irritating voices am unable to bear...

Monday, April 13, 2009

if ...


if I knew wat forgiveness was..
days that pass, without even thinking of you even once.. what was it that your eyes were saying.. repeatedly telling me.. shouting at me.. you came near .. stood for few minutes and time flew.. I lived every moment of being with you..
i knew I had to leave.. my days were counted back then.. ur phone call.. I missed.. u called back.. reluctant.. I picked.. you took your time.." come meet me.." I asked why.. what for.. maybe no need I saw.. like a baby you spoke , your voice still in store.. " meet me.. come on..." there was arelief .. I wasnt willing, for long I know how I could not resist.. how it was difficult for me to refuse.. tell you "no" am not gonna come..and how i could sense that you were aware of this helplessnes.. all along you knew.. I could not say No...
and today as if you knew am not gonna come.. and tat's the only reason I came.. this time this day... today only because you wanted me to come.. not me... I wont say I felt good.. but better.. much better... on that bench.. we sat together alone, a wall I sensed.. and a comfort I felt.. like never before..
u started with your usual talk bout the town.. and then come back to see yourself.. for once I saw you trying to pull away your sight from me.. not looking straight into these eyes..you had a lot to say tat day.. a lot you never say.. just keep away... you tried.. and finaly did u say sorry... you apologized.. you said sumthing.. i dint hear.. it was sumthing else you were saying behind those words.. I could hear.. your whispers.. you were so low...your voice was hardly reaching my ears.. but you did what I wanted you to do.. for long.. not coz it was wat I wanted.. coz this was what I wanted for you...
you asked me if we can be friends.. I said we are.. but how you knew .. u knew.. maybe this was not true.. friends we never were.. u asked again.. and I repeated we are friends.. I think it was there i told you ..its time for you to leave.. you turned back.. and again asked me.. can we ever be friends.. I said what I had twice.. but what was it that you were waiting for.. u left.. disappointed.. I smiled.. but to no use..
I think I dint tell you I forgave you long back.. its just tat today you dint even look into these eyes of mine..

Sunday, April 12, 2009

what more.. ;)


outside the church I stood with doubts abound,
was this I was supposed to be doing..
walking down the aisle..
am I ready for this moment,
am not smiling..
I can still run away before the gates open..
but then how many times
n where am I gonna go..

When I was choosing this gown
with you my best friend,
how I was telling you..
how I'd met my life partner..
n How much i love him..
I told you bout the first night we'd spent together,
it was raining.. n outside the trees knew..
we were meant to be together in time..
I tell you everything and you tell me all..
a pact we've been following since..
we realized we've become friends..

I told you am seeing sumone,
n you were worried,
but the faith you have in me, never gave in,
u let it pass..
the day he went down on his knees,
you were more excited than I was,
you knew I had my doubts, as usual..
you held my hand..n told me..
comeon..have fun..enjoy your moment

then one day..I gave you a call..
n broke down.. into tears...
and you rushed to my place.. just see me faint..
n fall in the pool of my love...
that lie there flowing in red form my veins..
every drop that felt for him..
I wanted it out of me.. n away..
I saw you coming..
my eyes refused to open in this world again..

yesterday when you went down on your knees,
you shocked me..
not a pleasant surprise I'd say..
an year passed, but you know
I still walk away from celebrations,
from happiness i grow sour..
why then you want to take this good for nothing soul..
dead in its own skin, praying to fade away..
I dint knew what to say..I just turned away
coz you were the one who said what I was meant to...
n you said "I know you dont love me.. kiddo!!"
in your eyes I looked ..
just to find.. my best friend..
asking a favour for his best friend..
I held your hand.. dont ask me why
coz you know the answers I can never reply...

I have been running away for some time now..
but running away only to get to you..
and I am coming to you again,
this time though..every step I take,
I dont know if am right.. you my dear friend
have been with me all this while..
why Do I do this to you today..
am indebted, the life i have is nurtured by you...
n I dont even love you...you told me

your smile, just asks me to run over to you,
a place am safe always..
the priest asks me if I Do?
how can i tell him, am not sure..
I dont know what to do..
You just look into my eyes.. n I say "I do"..
as if the words were held by you...u knew..
"you may kiss the bride now!!".. the priest calls
a small peck on my cheek..
n you whisper .. thank you my friend...
for giving me my lifelong friend,
thank you for doing a favour to my best friend..
I hugged you tight and cried..cried a lot..
I cannot even thank you ..
how may I tell you why?

Saturday, April 4, 2009

just to see!

it engulfed me...
a fear of being..
u were there!
I thought a prank u were playing..
a hand I thought would get into mine...
a shadow that I saw..
I recognized from far..
in dim twilight..

n I turned back to see.
I following me..