Sunday, December 13, 2009

And the fear!!


I was taken aback when out of a sudden on a bad hair day,a bad mood day, came from you my dear friend, with a trembling voice, and a shaking hand, that you see me as your girl. I thought you were trying to cheer me up, n have a little cute fun. But I looked into your eyes for a quarter of a second or even less, n I knew I was at fault. We left for the day then, when next day You werent' looking at me, n i shouted your name out loud, thinking we were friends,n we'd always be.

That's not how things go, I held your hand or you held mine, it was a bond I'd die if broken. You were the one who'd be embarassed by me in public but still would fight to be the only one to be seen with me in public or otherwise. I could see you suffering a lot, but I tried to be fair to you n to me n to us but then of course it was getting tough day be day, there were others I was accomodating. I let things be, and were we moving apart, away, far, maybe we were but for good. We had a string still intact. We did get our chance, to be what we were good at, being there for the other, just when needed, just when looked for, just when felt.

On that hilltop with my forzen hands, were you, you were the one warming them, in your pockets, You were the one scolding me for an unfinished meal or a banana shared, You were the one walking besides, chasing, me, accompanying me, my footsteps you could measure n see from whereever you fall behind. On that rock in the river where you sat, gloomy, I saw me at fault again, n it set me thinking, I was enjoying my days of freedom of being me, of being with you n of us together.Till that night when in the moonlight I sat thinking, If I am gonna lose you only at the cost of being a friend, It was my dream, I realize today, sitting by a lake with the stars in sight. You sat with me, n then I saw you leaving, a scare that I felt left a chill. Next morning when I was busy being me, not proving nay bit of me, to any being on earth, You pulled me and out of the fear I muttered, Two years, can you give me two years of my own life . Can I just save my answer till then. And You knew not, the context, you were the friend today I waited for all this while. You nodded your head, and wondered why that long. I am sure to have given you an unsatisfactory answer, which you'd surely have accepted knowing me. But it was the time, I was banking on. I thought two years either I'd start to see you the way you so wish, or We'd grow up to be teh best of friends they have ever seen or so i wished. That was teh day I lost my friends forever never to go back. A moment of fear and a life to follow on , walk on ,move on without you.

I was a friend when you first fought with me, when you never took that chair besides me in the mess, when you decided to give me the most awaited company on the dinner table, when you cracked all your jokes on me, when you'd compete with me on the TT table, when You took on your bike for the first time, when you wanted to go for a walk , when you talked bout your girl, when you had tears in your eyes on the bank of a fast flowing river, n in the cold night I put my hands across your shoulders, n tried to hold you tight, cheer you up, you gave a good reason for a moist eye, but wasnt I reading beneath those lines.

I never got to tell you, that a girl would thank her stars for finding you, I had thanked them enuf for having given you to me, You were mine, n I owned you. I have found you hot in your black shorts, n I have wished you to be my guy, but more than nything else I have loved to be your friend, ride on your bike n fly, my bike it has been or so I have thought it to be.

Being friends is not my cup of tea, I failed to keep up, n wen I look back it was just the fear that I had felt, fear of losing you, that made me lose you.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

back home... ;)


okk bag on my lap or on the seat.. on the lap maybe if someone would come n sit, but then what if just anybody would come n sit alongside, ok on the lap dats it, book out "If God was a Banker!". Specs.. hmmm no let it be.. ohh n the bus starts finally, n its a nice perfume , guy sitting right next. Perrrfect.. the bus leaves my work city these days. Am deep into my book, a little bored, looking out of the window would be better, am tired too n sleepy.. gosh , I'd rather close my eyes n take a quick nap. bus rides make me sleepy always.The other occupant of the seat keeping a good distance, me ok. His ear phones are a two way music system, n on a stoppage, even I can tap my fingers on my fav songs. N a sudden jerk makes me awake, n thus within the first half an hour I realize I am to stay wide awake. Book opened, n me into it, but can I feel a pair of those eyes peeping into my pages. I just move a little away but then on the window seat you can only go as far as the window is. midway almost naah 2 hours n the bus comes to a full stop, am usual in no mood of getting down, alone no way, would just get a little change in position, my back's stuck. " Excuse me, the bag, will you take care".. A smile follows, Did i for the first time glanced at the face of my co occupant for the trip or not excatly, not dat I can even think of recognizing if sumone else comes n occupies his seat. The book though lost my interest for sumtime, like all other books, when I just feel like skipping to the last page n reading what I am waiting for, am a little rather a lot impatient. " would you like to have? " .. No thanks, a packet of chips and a cold drink, " Would you like to??? " No thank you, thanks a lot.. a few smses and the book continues, And its just when i hear my co occupant cough I feel myself coughing tooo, sumone's smoking.. n that makes two of these very unacquainted ppl have smthing in common, We cant bear the cigarette smoke. not at all.. n having said dat With a covered cold nose the window gives me the company. Do I feel the distance the safe one diminishing, but more than that my heavy pullover (in a fear of it being very cold) is making me uncomfortable, if i could just take it off, but me, I just cannot think of even changing my fixed posture, A painter would appreciate , not even a millimetre of change. Its getting interesting, n am too eager with the sun disappearing faster now, I want to read the end, n aah finally, even this book had a moment wherein the moist eyes it lend to these very dry ones. Closed! I looik outside, A vibration on my cell tells me its Dad, Guess Am bout to reach soon, " Its SBOP Murthal, " .." Another half an hour you'd take..", I so wish.. " Will get down at the bypass.. See you then".. The window now and the signboard that tells me 44kms." Delhi..???" .. A nod of my head to this guy sitting right next, makes me feel as if even he's heading there, well almost of course since that's all that's left to come now.. after around ten minutes , " ISBT... ?? " Well no I'll be getting down at the bypass... n who ever said I was this cunning ugly girl, said it again "You are going to Del too.." .. " Gurgaon.." .. i nod n look outside, but if I may give clarifications, I'd rather not, " so You are studying..." Naay Job, n do I need mention whenever sumone asks me am studying, I get a little comfortable with the wrinkles Apperaing fast on this face. " In dElhi..???" No the city we are coming from... " Where.??" Now That I recall it appears that these monosyllabic questions slowly made me tell a lot, which branch , where am I staying,since when, till when , what next, .. " i was looking for long, Sumoen was busy reading teh book, welll engrossed, I'd get a headache in just 2 pages... " ohh I dint even see how may pages it has... " 260!" comes a prompt one,.okkkk..he knowsss.. n I can just smile on this.. well How do girls react to this.. " So if you need sumthing you can always contact me , anytime, " .. ya of course thanks, " you can take my contact number... " aahaaaa ha I'd come to your office.. ha ha ha When will I reach! " The window, n " What's your cell no. " 6300 would be a good answer.. I dont know what do you say now... " okk it is 9 9 ........." :( was sumone trying to be too smart n ended up being the stupidest of all, gave him my no. great. n bang just 20 seconds n here comes the bypass. " Please anything, anytime, anyhelp, .." Thanks a lottt!!
just to mention he talked well, he was tall, n smart, overalll, its good to come back home, ;)

:)