And the fear!!

I was taken aback when out of a sudden on a bad hair day,a bad mood day, came from you my dear friend, with a trembling voice, and a shaking hand, that you see me as your girl. I thought you were trying to cheer me up, n have a little cute fun. But I looked into your eyes for a quarter of a second or even less, n I knew I was at fault. We left for the day then, when next day You werent' looking at me, n i shouted your name out loud, thinking we were friends,n we'd always be.

That's not how things go, I held your hand or you held mine, it was a bond I'd die if broken. You were the one who'd be embarassed by me in public but still would fight to be the only one to be seen with me in public or otherwise. I could see you suffering a lot, but I tried to be fair to you n to me n to us but then of course it was getting tough day be day, there were others I was accomodating. I let things be, and were we moving apart, away, far, maybe we were but for good. We had a string still intact. We did get our chance, to be what we were good at, being there for the other, just when needed, just when looked for, just when felt.

On that hilltop with my forzen hands, were you, you were the one warming them, in your pockets, You were the one scolding me for an unfinished meal or a banana shared, You were the one walking besides, chasing, me, accompanying me, my footsteps you could measure n see from whereever you fall behind. On that rock in the river where you sat, gloomy, I saw me at fault again, n it set me thinking, I was enjoying my days of freedom of being me, of being with you n of us together.Till that night when in the moonlight I sat thinking, If I am gonna lose you only at the cost of being a friend, It was my dream, I realize today, sitting by a lake with the stars in sight. You sat with me, n then I saw you leaving, a scare that I felt left a chill. Next morning when I was busy being me, not proving nay bit of me, to any being on earth, You pulled me and out of the fear I muttered, Two years, can you give me two years of my own life . Can I just save my answer till then. And You knew not, the context, you were the friend today I waited for all this while. You nodded your head, and wondered why that long. I am sure to have given you an unsatisfactory answer, which you'd surely have accepted knowing me. But it was the time, I was banking on. I thought two years either I'd start to see you the way you so wish, or We'd grow up to be teh best of friends they have ever seen or so i wished. That was teh day I lost my friends forever never to go back. A moment of fear and a life to follow on , walk on ,move on without you.

I was a friend when you first fought with me, when you never took that chair besides me in the mess, when you decided to give me the most awaited company on the dinner table, when you cracked all your jokes on me, when you'd compete with me on the TT table, when You took on your bike for the first time, when you wanted to go for a walk , when you talked bout your girl, when you had tears in your eyes on the bank of a fast flowing river, n in the cold night I put my hands across your shoulders, n tried to hold you tight, cheer you up, you gave a good reason for a moist eye, but wasnt I reading beneath those lines.

I never got to tell you, that a girl would thank her stars for finding you, I had thanked them enuf for having given you to me, You were mine, n I owned you. I have found you hot in your black shorts, n I have wished you to be my guy, but more than nything else I have loved to be your friend, ride on your bike n fly, my bike it has been or so I have thought it to be.

Being friends is not my cup of tea, I failed to keep up, n wen I look back it was just the fear that I had felt, fear of losing you, that made me lose you.

back home... ;)

okk bag on my lap or on the seat.. on the lap maybe if someone would come n sit, but then what if just anybody would come n sit alongside, ok on the lap dats it, book out "If God was a Banker!". Specs.. hmmm no let it be.. ohh n the bus starts finally, n its a nice perfume , guy sitting right next. Perrrfect.. the bus leaves my work city these days. Am deep into my book, a little bored, looking out of the window would be better, am tired too n sleepy.. gosh , I'd rather close my eyes n take a quick nap. bus rides make me sleepy always.The other occupant of the seat keeping a good distance, me ok. His ear phones are a two way music system, n on a stoppage, even I can tap my fingers on my fav songs. N a sudden jerk makes me awake, n thus within the first half an hour I realize I am to stay wide awake. Book opened, n me into it, but can I feel a pair of those eyes peeping into my pages. I just move a little away but then on the window seat you can only go as far as the window is. midway almost naah 2 hours n the bus comes to a full stop, am usual in no mood of getting down, alone no way, would just get a little change in position, my back's stuck. " Excuse me, the bag, will you take care".. A smile follows, Did i for the first time glanced at the face of my co occupant for the trip or not excatly, not dat I can even think of recognizing if sumone else comes n occupies his seat. The book though lost my interest for sumtime, like all other books, when I just feel like skipping to the last page n reading what I am waiting for, am a little rather a lot impatient. " would you like to have? " .. No thanks, a packet of chips and a cold drink, " Would you like to??? " No thank you, thanks a lot.. a few smses and the book continues, And its just when i hear my co occupant cough I feel myself coughing tooo, sumone's smoking.. n that makes two of these very unacquainted ppl have smthing in common, We cant bear the cigarette smoke. not at all.. n having said dat With a covered cold nose the window gives me the company. Do I feel the distance the safe one diminishing, but more than that my heavy pullover (in a fear of it being very cold) is making me uncomfortable, if i could just take it off, but me, I just cannot think of even changing my fixed posture, A painter would appreciate , not even a millimetre of change. Its getting interesting, n am too eager with the sun disappearing faster now, I want to read the end, n aah finally, even this book had a moment wherein the moist eyes it lend to these very dry ones. Closed! I looik outside, A vibration on my cell tells me its Dad, Guess Am bout to reach soon, " Its SBOP Murthal, " .." Another half an hour you'd take..", I so wish.. " Will get down at the bypass.. See you then".. The window now and the signboard that tells me 44kms." Delhi..???" .. A nod of my head to this guy sitting right next, makes me feel as if even he's heading there, well almost of course since that's all that's left to come now.. after around ten minutes , " ISBT... ?? " Well no I'll be getting down at the bypass... n who ever said I was this cunning ugly girl, said it again "You are going to Del too.." .. " Gurgaon.." .. i nod n look outside, but if I may give clarifications, I'd rather not, " so You are studying..." Naay Job, n do I need mention whenever sumone asks me am studying, I get a little comfortable with the wrinkles Apperaing fast on this face. " In dElhi..???" No the city we are coming from... " Where.??" Now That I recall it appears that these monosyllabic questions slowly made me tell a lot, which branch , where am I staying,since when, till when , what next, .. " i was looking for long, Sumoen was busy reading teh book, welll engrossed, I'd get a headache in just 2 pages... " ohh I dint even see how may pages it has... " 260!" comes a prompt one,.okkkk..he knowsss.. n I can just smile on this.. well How do girls react to this.. " So if you need sumthing you can always contact me , anytime, " .. ya of course thanks, " you can take my contact number... " aahaaaa ha I'd come to your office.. ha ha ha When will I reach! " The window, n " What's your cell no. " 6300 would be a good answer.. I dont know what do you say now... " okk it is 9 9 ........." :( was sumone trying to be too smart n ended up being the stupidest of all, gave him my no. great. n bang just 20 seconds n here comes the bypass. " Please anything, anytime, anyhelp, .." Thanks a lottt!!
just to mention he talked well, he was tall, n smart, overalll, its good to come back home, ;)

:)

is it actually changing!

life's changing.. as in ya a little change of place may not be the reason for that, but sure a little change of faith maybe. falling in love or out of it, might be simpler for me, than settling in a place n moving out of it, it takes time. for some days now, am walking on the road of an unknown city, not looking sideways, just in front straight. in search of the destination am walking to, but nuthing much or rather nuthing much interesting has caught my eye yet. with a new person to share my room with, n listening to her midnite whispery chat with her guy, or friend. my idea of owning a business one day is sheepishly moving out into the sand, ready to hide away, 'white tiger' is one book have read, though not impressive at all, it did teach me, what not to have in my book, soon gonna see the light of the day, though I dint know until I wrote this sentence, but now dat I have, am sure sumthing's on its way. hav got my nxt posting details too, so am away from delhi for next 6 months for sure.. n after dat also whereever they take, hav got wheels on my feet it seems, no wonder its gona b tough to catch on with me, was this that i've always wanted, am i unknowingly, n supposedely unwillingly availing what I hav been wanting, just moving on, not staying at a palce for long, leaving the place longing for more, more of me. tonight am not gonna dream, hav a lot of them still, dat need to be realized, i hav to work on them. this one's just an insight into the blogger's thoughts, though its one place even the blogger's waiting for its turn to get in, as usual i had thought of sumthing else, ended up with sumthin entirely different, now clueless, this is how i mess things up, untangling, or trying to my so very messed up life. Am otherwise a clear headed person or so I think, I think its just one long string am so hung on, and all I have to do is open my palm.

Your Week Ahead: 'Even if you've got poor eyesight, you can still help to guide a blind person.' You may not have all the answers you now need, but you have enough. The trouble is, recent events have shaken your confidence. You can remember mistakes that got made, problems that got stirred up and worries that kept on getting worse. So you don't feel like taking charge of any situation. You'd rather let someone else have that responsibility while you just go along with whatever seems easiest. But like it or not, you're the person best qualified to make a decision now... and your choices are likely to work out best for everyone.

Tonight, I'd Dream..

That was the first time he touched me. I dint know how it felt then until one day when he came near n whispered into my ears, "It wont work this way". "Maybe m not the right guy for you". I woke up from my dream that day. n It felt great the first time he touched me, I can tell you today. Seven months have passed I haven't even heard his voice but today once again I woke up. With the same mirror where have been looking at myself wondering, what is it that made him leave. A dark circle that appeared a month after he left, or a black mole on the right side of my lower lip, that he loved. The eyes that still reflect his face, or the neck he used to brush with the back of his hand.8 and I leave for work, there on my desk something seems missing, Have never felt this way before.After an hour long meeting when i came back to my desk, having completely forgotten the missing thing, I felt my phone wibrating, Unknown no. must be Airtel service call. "It's me.. Can we meet, rite now" A few seconds lost, my forehead all wet, in a 16 degrees temperature, so, Is he back. I wrapped up my desk, with no thoughts, and my ID hanging round my neck, I combed my hair, and the face I cleaned , Why am I not wearing a better dress today. What if he changed his mind again. I can not let it all ruin. But no choice, will I be able to recognize him, his hair, might be different, and i know he'll be wearing one of his 100 t-shirts , with his fav blue denim , we spent hours selecting, and then how on seeing the price tag, I asked him to put it away and go for a cheaper one, I still remember the look he gave me, I still remember, the eyes, deep brown with a tinge of gold, very different, and rare. The mark on his chin, which he's been sporting since third standard, fighting for a girl with his friends, his chain with his initials embossed. We'll be ordering his fav Iced eskimo, even though hav been asked to stay away from ice, i dont care.
Is he the one , The shoulders are the same size, its his fav colour too, That's how he bends forward on the table, Its gotta be him. "Hi, I am glad you are here, I thought you wont, but u are still as punctual, And the pink how can I forget, that's the only colour you have ever wanted to be seen in." Moist eyes I was controlling, he has to be the one for me, noone else, he's the only one who knows me so well. " You know Its been sometime, but I realized I cannot forget you, the way you have been there always, whenever I needed a support, firm in you , I could find, And the innocence with which you hav always won this heart. Its tough to forget , you have jsut become a part." Whoever said your love comes back to you was... " I thought over it, and then I decided to meet you, to ask you once to let me be free. Stop worrying bout me. I have found my girl, and she's perfect for me. She's the only one who's ever understood me.." Holding these tears right where they were, I posed the best smile of my entire life, this is the day I kept it safe for. I told him how happy I was, and I left. No touch has ever been felt, Nights spent praying for those hands, in those arms when I slept, His finger on my back, and his scent is so hard to melt, I have been washing this frame now for hours awake. Warm breath in this ear, I can not shut them off, it comes back again n again, his long fingers entangled into mine all through the night, just a wet pillow left, with a wooden heart.
On that desk I missed me forever after then.

Vanity Unclaimed!

What with long tresses all flowing like the river into the sea, I'd stroll the deserted night lanes of the city. Bring on my favourite white gown with strings in blue and a flowery scarf. Not one living being on this Earth compares to the radiance in me, I am the dream that in the night they breathe. The wind changes direction to make way for me, and that's when the heads turn to see, unbelieving its me. The knights battle, the kings fight , with Kingdoms at stake, its only me. Sun rises every day a little early to catch a sight, the moon is the loyal one hangs around when am on my own on this lonely road. In this heart though I dream like the one who sleeps dreaming to be me. Of a heart that looks beyond, and I wonder if on this path I'd find one looking out. A window open or a door welcomming. They all walk away, rather run n stay away coz am the beauty they'd be in awe of, but not be with.
Cassiopeia was the wife of Cepheus, the Ethiopian king of Joppa (now known as Jaffa, in Israel), and the mother of Andromeda. The queen was both beautiful and vain, and the story of how her vanity caused great distress is told in relation to the constellation Andromeda.
After promising her daughter in marriage to Perseus, Cassiopeia had second thoughts. She convinced one of Poseidon's sons, Agenor, to disrupt the ceremony by claiming Andromeda for himself. Agenor arrived with an entire army, and a fierce struggle ensued.
In the battle Cassiopeia is said to have cried "Perseus must die". At any rate it was Perseus who was victorious, with the help of the Gorgon's head.
Perseus had recently slain Medusa, the Gorgon, and had put its head in a bed of coral. He retrieved the head and waved it in midst of the warring wedding party, instantly turning them all to stone. In the group was both Cepheus and Cassiopeia.
A contrite Poseidon put both father and mother in the heavens. But because of Cassiopeia's vanity, he placed her in a chair which revolves around the Pole Star, so half the time she's obliged to sit upside down.

Tonight, I'd dream..

Happy Birthday...